Book Two -- I will Survive -- Chapter 2: Just Between Ex's (Part 3)

5/14/01
Me: I guess I wrote too soon. Guess what I got in the mail today? Wait for it… A picture frame from Tom with no picture in it! The thought is nice, but I am fuming. Can't he think for himself! I think I am going to send it back...to her! Ugh!
Adam: Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. The gift legacy lives on apparently.
Me: How close do you think you are to the legal end? Many months or just a couple?
Adam: Probably many. As Scarlett's father let me know early on she's going to use every means at her disposal to stretch this thing out as long as she can, because that gets her what she wants no matter what the final decision is.
Me: Dragging it on and dragging you through that is really messed up. I wonder how James can tolerate that? I would think he would want her to be done so they could move forward. He said he's getting sick of all this.
Adam: Surely he's known about this. It was her plan from day one.
Me: I know, but that is why I wonder how he is handling it now? He usually wasn't the game playing type. He hates that kind of stuff.
Adam: This guy's dumb as a stump then. Scarlett is the origonal game playing gal. Game playing is a nasty hot-button topic for her: accuse her of game-playing and you better duck, but that's just because it describes her behavior so well. She's big time into subterfuge and judgment, about guessing how people will act then watching their behavior to see how it pans out (always followed by the all-important de-briefing at the end, to compare notes on the process).

Me: I also think “her” plan might be why James is stalling with me. I wonder if they have some master plan to keep us hanging on the line while they try figure out if they really want each other?
Adam: Scarlett is driven by a combination of laziness, craftiness, and downright not-knowing what else to do to get what she thinks she wants. Scarlett has gone past the point of no return with me. I am much happier as things stand right now. My life is flowing in ways I never thought possible and my reconnection with my family and friends is something I don't intend to ever give up again. To be sure, I worry for my son's well-being on a daily basis, but the best I can do is be supportive and be the best father I can when he's with me, and trust in God to see his path through so he turns out a child of divorce who's as well-adjusted as possible. Best of all I don't intend to allow distance to come between us as it did between my father and me.
Me: I talked to James yesterday and laid it on even thicker that he needs to do something. I said it had been a week since our last conversation and nothing had changed. I told him it's been a year since this started and I am sick of the lying and hiding, so he better sign the papers. I think it kind of took him off guard, so I said it again. I don’t he was prepared for me to push so forcefully for him to sign. He knows my belief that when he signs he will never be allowed back and I think knowing that, he is surprised. This playing both sides stuff is wrong and I'm done! I hope I finally inspired some kind of action, but if I didn't I don't plan to let up on the pressure!
Adam: It will be quite funny if James ends up being more attracted to you as you push him around, which is no doubt what Scarlett does to him.
Me: Supposedly he doesn't like me because I am not nice. According to him she is nicer, so I doubt it.
Adam: She is not nice. She is always out for herself. It is her only concern. Not a nice person, believe me. If he thinks she is, he's blind or sick in the head. I can't believe how many strangers (such as your real estate agent) who through the years would actually comment on what a witch she is/was. People I'd never met before. They find out she was my girlfriend or wife, and then, unabashedly, let me know how horrible they thought she was, without me asking. I'm talking total strangers, people who knew her in high school, who would just say "Oh, her? She is the biggest witch I ever knew!" It was wild.
Me: Wow! I know James often felt embarrassed because he felt that people perceived me as being mean, but he never said anyone had done that. I don't think I am mean person. I thought James was just overly worried about what other people thought.
5/22/01
Me: I have been thinking that James learned the concept of settling for a woman from his father; it's inherent. His father gave up his life to marry his wife when she got pregnant and now he never speaks and is constantly being verbally abused and told what to do by his wife. He isn’t allowed to have a mind of his own. He couldn't make a decision if he had to, so genetics are working against him.

Adam: Perfect model for the kind of man Scarlett wants. Scarlett wants her man to make all the decisions, and then wants him to change his mind when she points out a better way.
Me: It would take so much work to make us work and James knows it. He just isn't willing to do it. Although I may be vain, I think he is starting to see how good he had it. Sex isn't everything! It's a lot, but it's not everything. Sex can't pull you through tough times? I can work on sex, but how hard would it be to change your personality?
Adam: Pretty impossible, really. We're all pretty cast in our roles, I'm afraid. Hopefully, James has had enough time dealing with Scarlett to get a much better picture of how she is as a person.
Me: I don't think he has. It’s still the honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior. If things are rough now, imagine what it will be like down the road when the real people come out.
Adam: Plus there's him. His iPorn. His drumming on everything in sight. He won't be able to keep on his best behavior about all that forever and it will drive her nuts believe me.
Me: At this point I can walk away without feeling bad. A good part of me hopes he doesn't ask me to work things out. I'd be better off! So, at this point it's not a loss! Yeah for me! It took a long time in coming!
5/21/01
Me: Remember that guy I went out with when James was here? We are still kind of seeing each other, going very slowly, but boy is it weird! It was strange realizing that I was at a movie with another man. I was conscious of who paid the bill, how close our elbows were, how he smelled, every word I said, etc. It's too weird and I can't say I am really comfortable with it yet.
Adam: It'll take a long time. It's especially difficult because you don't get to totally flush the other person out of your life because of the familial connections and such.
5/26/01
Me: Steve is so awe-inspiring with Tom, better than James could even dream of being! It's a little scary actually.
Adam: Why is that? There are decent men in the world you know. Few from Modesto, I admit, but I wasn't born here, after all, but decent men do exist.
Me: It's not really scary he is good with Tom. It's just scary things are so good. I'm not used to that after all. I’m not used to someone who cares about you, does stuff for you and treats your kid great! It's just weird. It also seems scary because I like it so soon, especially because James still hasn't signed.

Adam: Yes, the entire situation is very hard to adjust to. You're not sure what to feel good or guilty about and you're not sure it will last. Just take it slow, and it will work itself out as it's meant to.
Me: I'm starting to not feel so bad for Tom because I believe I can find (found?) someone who can be everything Tom needs him to be. It's strangely coincidental because Steve’s wife got pregnant at the exact same time I did, only she had a miscarriage. So Tom is the exact same age their child would have been. Steve was really looking forward to being a dad. I think that is part of the reason he is so great with Tom. Maybe there are really strange ways the world works?
Adam: Back up. I didn't know this guy was divorcing. What's up with that?
Me: Same exact thing. His wife cheated on him and had been for years, only they have both signed and filed and are a few weeks from being completely done. I have known them both since my junior year of high school. If nothing else we are just really good for each other right now as a support system. I know this relationship isn't really being set up under good circumstances, but right now it's good!
Adam: Take what's good for you now and don't let it worry you too much. These things work out as they're supposed to in the end. Just don't be too rigid; take it as it comes, make sure you're allowing yourself to be happy and it's all good even if James still hasn't signed.
Me: Right now I want to force the divorce through the courts, but I think I am trying to be open and take it as it comes so that it is all good!
Adam: Do you just need the closure, or is there something else you feel would be served by him signing?
Me: Yes, closure. I need to move on from this point. I've been stuck in this place for over a year!
In my heart and mind I can’t really move forward with another man until the divorce is final.
Adam: I've been stuck longer than that. I just decided not to rate the goings on of my life on her or signing some paper. It's how I feel and how others feel about me that's important.
Me: Yeah, but does she give you the song and dance that she is still trying to decide? I was under the impression she was stalling for other reasons not because she was still trying to decide between you and James.
Adam: Oh, heck no. She was done long ago. She paid a lot of lip service to trying to work on it, but that was just a whole lot of stalling, trying to figure out how to get the most out of the situation, worrying her son might get taken away from her, worrying about what people were going to think and how they were going to see her. I think she still has a lot of those worries, and I notice that she still has second thoughts, but she hasn't really voiced those to me. They mostly come through the non-verbal jealousy she shows towards me, my having a good time and the time that Chris spends with my ex-girlfriend and her two girls (their names get mentioned in front of Scarlett all the time; which actually balances the fact that he calls me "James" all the time too).
Me: There is no guilt. Steve and I have had no physical contact. We haven't even hugged. Even if he had, I am not sure I could feel guilt after the horrid way James has treated me.
Adam: I think you'd be surprised. It's not fair, but we do end up feeling guilt, even though we are the "dumpees.”
Me: I hope not! The only thing I feel guilty about now is that things are going so well with Steve that if James did chose me at this point that Steve would get hurt again, so I am trying very hard to tread water.
Adam: That's the kind of guilt I'm talking about; weird guilt that sometimes comes out of nowhere.
Me: As I tread water I fear it will not last. I'm not so sure it really matters if it does. This has done a lot to show me that there is something better and I can have it, so if it doesn't work out with Steve, eventually it will with someone and I need not be so afraid of the eventuality of the future.
Adam: I'm so glad to see you write that. That's exactly how I felt about the first woman I dated after Scarlett. It wasn't so much that I figured she was the one (though she was mighty cute and was someone I never thought would go for me, and she made the first move), it was really that she was the promise of possibilities. I think you've got it nailed. It's not that this one guy is into you; it's just proof guys will be interested in you, and Tom will not be the hindrance to you that you thought he might be.
Me: I'm not so sure I buy that Tom won’t be a hindrance. I just think Steve is very much the exception to the rule.
Adam: Oh, really? What makes this guy so special? You shouldn't dismiss how great this is, but it does just show all the promise that's out there. There are billions of people on this planet. The odds say there are lots and lots of guys who will be just like him.
Me: Yes, but they are a lot harder to find.
Adam: You think that, but it's not really that true. It's like you told me: once you come off as happy and comfortable with yourself, others end up seeking you out.
Me: But there will be fewer men to choose from because they are afraid of kids. A guy who can accept a kid is like one in twenty. To me that isn't good odds. When without a kid I had at least a fifty percent chance of a date.
Adam: Hey, you're getting much better. Before you seemed to think it was zero percent. I like how he's someone from your past that you knew, who also got cheated on.
6/7/01
Me: I know that I can trust Steve, which I am sure you know is very hard to do now. I know that if I were to have met someone off the street, there would be no trust and a lot more fear. Because we know each other and each others partner we are really able to talk about what is going on and our real feelings about what is going on without having to hide things (because of that strange guilt.)
Adam: That is very helpful; it's good to have a friend that really knows where you've been and how you feel. It's even better that he's on the same side of the coin with you, but is of the opposite gender, so it doesn't turn into a major "men suck" kind of therapy for you.
Me: However, because he is a friend, I am worried about the potential for either of us to be the others rebound relationship. I don't want that for either of us because, regardless I still want his friendship. The good thing about him being cheated on is that we really come from the same place about how we feel about what they have done. We have had some very interesting conversations about Dr. Phil and the book, "The Five Love Languages."
Adam: Scarlett had that book too. Good book. My ex- was shocked that I would even know the title of the book, let alone know the five languages and even be able to rank them for myself.
Me: Reading those books is something Steve searched out and did for himself long before I showed up, but to me it speaks volumes about the type of person he is and because of all this he was really forced to tune into emotions and deal with them. Most guys really don't do that. It allows both of us to value what we get and understand the fragility of a relationship and how to maybe better maintain it.
Adam: Wow. Scary how much this parallels so much of my experience.
Me: Hey, advice.... How do I handle James now? I know he will make his weekly phone calls and I don't want to deal with him anymore. Should I still play nice and not say anything and let him call? Should I not answer the phone? Should I tell him I don't want to talk? Should I tell him I am done because I think I have met someone else or do I not mention that at all, ever? What do you think?
Adam: Be honest. That's the most important thing. Tell him how you feel, what you want, what you don't want. Be firm. If he starts to talk about things you're uncomfortable with, tell him (nicely) that you don't want to talk about it and to please stop. If he persists, end the phone conversation, firmly but politely. "James, I already warned you that that is a topic I don't want to talk about. . James, no: we are not having this conversation; I've given you plenty of warning. This conversation is now ending. Goodbye." Then hang up. Again, be honest. Playing nice, not answering, telling him "I don't want to talk" are not honest. Except, if you really don’t want to have these conversations with him. Your personal life is none of James's business, so it is not necessary for you to tell him about new guys or anything else in order for you to be honest.

6/14/01
Adam: I'm assuming you haven't needed to hear from me, that things are well for you, and you're reaching contentment. These are all very good things!
Me: Yeah, well, what do you know! I am very happy. In fact I’m still a little scared that it is so good... I'm already afraid of losing him, but it is amazing how much what we have had to go through has taught us about how to make things good. It's wonderful. I am trying to enjoy one day at a time and not worrying about too much beyond that.
Adam: It sounds like you are in very similar circumstances to mine; both where I am, and where I have been for a while. I'm so happy to hear that! It is very scary and you end up questioning things that should seem natural, but I think that is good. It's scary, hoping against hope that it won't be a rebound relationship, taking it slow and careful are the only way I think there is to approach it.
6/16/01
Adam: Here are some questions that are none of my business, but I'm curious all the same. What did you decide to do about James and Father's Day? Scarlett got me a couple packages and a card (all "from Chris"), but I haven't opened them yet.
Me: I sent a card, and a lame grocery store photo frame. Shipping and all it cost me less than ten bucks. The card was the best part and I am sure it will piss him off. I think it was funny. It said:
Bat 1: my dad sucks
Bat 2: no way, my dad sucks more than your dad.
Happy Father’s Day to a dad who is easy to brag about.
I thought it was hilarious!
Adam: That is pretty good. I can't believe they make a card like that. How perfect. What did you finally tell James about his calling to talk to you?
Me: I never mentioned Steve. I just said that is was pointless to talk on the phone. There is always so much silence and he didn't really need to know about me anyway. It’s not like Tom can talk, so we could just email about Tom.
Adam: Do songs still bother you? For me, most any love song (especially those about overcoming odds, working it out, knowing we're right for one another no matter what, etc.) used to really set me off. Now they just make me smile.
Me: I have been very conscious of my reactions to music recently and they have no negative effect whatsoever. I can listen to his songs now with no connection. My mind is connecting to the new person and I like it much better!
Adam: That sounds a lot like what happened to me! That sounds really great for you. Every once in awhile I'll get struck by something that hurts, but if I apply it to my next love, it's pretty easy to deal with. Now that your attitude about James has started to change, has your attitude about how much of a relationship you're going to allow him to have with Tom changed? Before you were saying you wouldn't even let him come to see Tom. I guess that has changed, huh?
6/18/01
Me: Yeah, I guess. It was weird yesterday because I realized that I have no connection or feeling toward James and that I don't care what he does. He is just someone who will visit my son every now and then and be on the periphery of my life. To me whomever I marry next will be Tom’s father. Steve is wonderful with Tom and as far as I am concerned is his father right now and I am very happy about it. I can finally see this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Tom and in fact he might be better off because what Steve and I could offer him would be so much more. Is that sad?
Adam: No, it's not sad. It's what I've been hoping you'd see for a very long time.
Me: So what did Scarlett get you for Father’s Day?
Adam: A frame with a photo in it.
Me: Wow! Did you predict that or what?
Adam: Are you kidding? The reason I told you to get that for James is that's all she has gotten me for gifts ever since Chris was born! Birthdays, Father's Days, Christmas: another frame.
Me: I am pretty sure my Father's Day choices have hurt James's feelings. I only sent something this time because technically we are still married and it was his first one, not because I really wanted to. I gave Steve a Father's Day present and it was much more thoughtful. I was very careful not go over the top because of the situation. If things were really serious I would have done much better with the gift, but I didn't want there to be too much pressure or expectation. It was emotional enough that Steve hadn't even opened the box; just the card and he began to cry. All I said was thanks for loving my son. He said, "I feel like I should be thanking you!" I about died. That's more feeling than James could ever have!
Adam: I know. It's funny how a guy gets his heart ripped out, then he ends up showing much more emotion to the next lucky gal that comes along to help him pick up the pieces. One more question, perhaps the toughest of all: Has your new set of experiences, especially now knowing someone else who had a woman cheat on him and who's undoubtedly shared some pretty intense stuff with you over it; has that changed your attitude or views of Scarlett at all one way or another?
Me: I'm not sure I know what you mean. If I feel more sympathy or anger towards her, no. If anything it's just the first time I have really seen it from your side. I have stopped being so self absorbed. It has changed the way I feel about all people who are on our end. The thing I see with Steve is that is just doesn't make sense. He is so wonderful and I just don't understand how she could not see it and how she could do what she did. When Steve talks to me about it, my heart breaks. It makes me so sad. I think I feel worse for him sometimes then I do about myself. It just makes me think how stupid his wife was. I don't think these people think about how much they have literally crushed their partners. I don't know. I just don't get it. I don't understand.
Adam: I think I got my answer. I think it has changed your perspective a bit. I don't know how Scarlett could have done it either. She traded down for heaven sakes.
Me: Yeah, that's what I see too…
Adam: I was hoping you'd not take offense. All the things she had in me, he doesn't have, and all the things I lacked, he doesn't have them either. For better or worse, she had me trained into treating her the way she wanted, and now she's gone back and started over?! What's with that? I hate to toot my own horn, but from the sounds of things, I'm ten times the father James is, and for that matter, (from what I'm being told all the time), I'm probably three times the father most men are. It sounds like Steve may be in my camp too. Congratulations on that.
Me: Yes, he's amazing. Every night we just sit on the couch after Tom goes to bed and he holds me. I've never had that before.
Adam: Been there, done that.
Me: It's a little scary that it is so good.
Adam: Whoa-hoe-hoe! Been there, still there, still waiting for the bottom to drop out!
Me: I said last night, "can life really be this good all the time?" He said, “Yes.” I just can't imagine.
Adam: Things always mellow and have their ups and downs, but as long as two healthy people care about one another and pay attention to what's going on, it can go on as long as you put in the effort.
Me: Every time I am with him I just think everything is so cool. And then there is Tom... I never thought I would be able to look at him with another father and feel that special family feeling, but with Steve I do. I see him with Tom and I melt, I can see the love he has for Tom. He's so wonderful. I just want to hold him. It was never that way with James. I don't know. It's just too cool!
6/26/01
Adam: I don't suppose you have any solid evidence that James and Scarlett were sleeping together prior to October, 2000, do you? And I mean defensible-in-court solid?
Me: Nope, sorry...
Adam: She told our lawyers in session last week that, during the period from July to October, 2000, she was portraying to the world that we were married to one another. I thought having James live there and sleeping with him in the house was probably not something that counts as "portraying herself as married" unless one is terribly liberal in one's interpretation, and to me, having slept with him prior to May is pretty strongly against that portrayal as well.

Me: Although he used other subjects as a cover, I believe his call was about the papers. He said he will send them in today, if he isn't lying, IT"S FINALLY OVER!!!
Adam: By the way, the other thing I found out was that she's not looking for a job, and doesn't plan to. So, yes, she does expect me to support her while she stays home indefinitely.
Me: Doesn't surprise me one bit! There's no way you can force her to support herself? Would you want to?
Adam: We're working on it, but it's going to take a very long time. She's going to be able to stay home until Chris is three, which is what she had wanted.
6/27/01
Me: So I guess based on what you said that she is trying to get money from you and you have no legal way to prevent her from doing it?
Adam: No. During a meeting with our lawyers, when my lawyer said, "well it does not look like they presented to the world that they were married" (during the time between when we separated and a week before she filed). She said, "No, I did do that. We were in counseling; we were working out of books; there was still a chance. Then he called me on that day and said what he said. Only then did I know it wasn't fixable.”
Me: I wanted to say, "Sleeping with James is 'presenting to the world that you're married'? But I had no proof. If she were to make these claims in court, I'd like to have irrefutable evidence to the contrary. That's all. Any news on your papers? Is it done?
Adam: Actually I haven't heard a thing, so I am starting to wonder...
Me: When I picked up Chris recently, entirely without my prompting him, as we pulled away from the house, he said, "Mommy back in the house; Mommy and James in the house." I said, "James is in the house?" And he said, "James is in office."
Adam: You can bet that his car wasn't out front. Hence it was in the garage. I left it at that, of course. But I think it's pretty funny, how she's working so hard to hide the truth and it's simply a universal condition that the truth will find a way out no matter what, and the harder she tries to conceal it, the easier it is to get out. Now our ambassador between the two homes is becoming so vocal, she's completely screwed in the "under wraps" department. It's not like I want this to happen. He's going to want to share his life with me, everything that happens; and he's going to want to do the same with them. But Scarlett doesn't want James's name mentioned. She doesn't want the details of her life told. She can't forbid her child to talk; she'll just screw him up.

Me: If she were happy about her choices and above reproach in her actions, she wouldn't care what people knew. She would be so happy she would want people to know.
Adam: I agree, which is why I know she's hurting, embarrassed, and trying to hide things. Not the most comfortable way for a person to live. This is a big part of why I used to whine to her that she's making such an illogical mistake. If she's going to have me as such a major part of her life for the next sixteen plus years, and if she's going to be living with and loving a little boy that's me all over the place, then how can she be saying that she can't stand to be around me, doesn't find any joy in my presence, doesn't want to be reminded of what we had? She'll have to abandon her son and practically move to another planet to do that. With all that, it didn't seem logical to me that she'd pick James over me. It's getting all the bad from me she hates, plus making it much more difficult to deal with everyone, from her family and friends to her own son, right down to her own conscience. Idiotic. That's Scarlett in a nutshell. Me, on the other hand: I get to love a little boy who's such a big part of who I am, get to see him one-on-one and unfettered, plus I get my own life, my own home, my own belongings. I get to decide all the things I buy, how I decorate, what toys I like, which movies and games I want to get, everything. Whom I spend my time with and how I spend that time, and I get to form whatever kinds of relationships I want. No annoying family gatherings of hers, none of her controlling, pressuring and judging me (none that I have to listen to or heed, anyway). I stay up late at night and sleep in when I want to. It's so much better. I should throw myself a party!
Me: Can I use you as my psychologist on another issue? I'm a little skiddish to tell you, but I think you know more about my emotions in the last year than anyone, so I think you'd be the best judge. Steve has said that he knows he wants to marry me; it's just a matter of timing.
Adam: That was a nice thing for him to say. It was perhaps a little quick, but it was nice to hear, I'll bet.
Me: Yep. I would like it very much if we did. Every night it gets harder and harder for him to go home (for both of us), and some nights he doesn't.
Adam: Gasp!
Me: I feel weird that I can think about it so soon, and I am not that afraid of it. In fact I think I could get remarried before James. It seems so natural. Am I psycho?
Adam: No, you're not psycho.
Me: I am so glad to hear that!
Adam: What you are, however, is vulnerable, and in a rebound situation. You need to exercise great caution here. My advice is that you take Steve's admission as a very flattering compliment. Only you can know what's in your heart, and what you're really truly, deep-down comfortable with. What you need to do now is to look deep inside, as often as you can, and ask yourself what you're truly feeling. Go with your feelings, but slowly. Keep asking yourself whether it's the excitement of being wanted again, or if it's truly this guy that you're enjoying so much and not just the fact it's any guy.
Me: He and I have this conversation a lot about a rebounding relationship and making sure it's not just an “a" person, kind of thing. He wants to date other people to be sure it isn't a rebound relationship, but he says he's confident what he'll come back to.
Adam: Sounds like a really good idea. If/when he does, then you'll be able to gauge your own reaction to that happening. If it seems like something that really bothers you, down deep, and it's not just that you're potentially getting away from any chance, but rather you're missing him specifically, then those feelings will help you to know how you really and truly feel.
Me: I already hate the idea, but it has to be done.
Adam: You might have fun dealing with other people, too, and it will help you reaffirm your feelings for him as well.
Me: Yeah, my parents are encouraging me to date others, the problem is around here older single men are hard to find. We found each other because we are old friends. Someone brand new is difficult.
Adam: Once you're out there, you'll find that it's not as difficult as you think. I thought the same thing about creepy, conservative Modesto, but I don't even have to go looking. I'm being flirted with right and left, even hit on, and plenty of times it's when I'm with my son or out on a date with another woman. You don't think it'll happen to you because you are in Utah, or because you have a son, but people are people and they act the same no matter where they are, and it will happen to you too. Make certain any actions you take have absolutely nothing to do with James, your feelings about James, or any actions James takes.
Me: Steve and I began by just hanging out to get each other out of the house, just kind of pals. It helped us both to talk about what was happening in our lives. I never expected what happened to happen. It just did and now we're inseparable.
Adam: It sounds wonderful. This is your time and your life. You need to make decisions that are for you, no matter how selfish.
Me: Every night he stays, it feel so good and I feel selfish.
Adam: That's good. If you're concerned about these things, then things sound to be heading in a right-minded direction. Take your time. There is no rush. There is nothing to be gained from wedding him as soon as you can, from a financial, emotional, or ethical standpoint. Morality is another question. If you're involving yourself in situations with this man that make you feel guilty or expose you to risks (pregnancy or disease) or go against your morals, then my advice is to back off and let it cool for a bit. Don't shut the guy down entirely, but give yourself room to think. What you're going through is very close to what I'm going through and I have many of the same issues. I'm trying to keep as close an eye on things as I can as I work through this transition time, and learn to enjoy my life both as a bachelor and as a part of other committed relationships down the road.
Me: Just because he has spent the night don't assume we have had sex!
Adam: People are going to assume what they will. You can't help that. Only you're going to know in your heart what's right, just and true. Just stay true to your feelings and convictions and you'll be fine. Remember to be able to look that face in the mirror each morning and know that you have no shame and you are walking the path that you know to be true for yourself.
Me: Steve was married in the temple and has every intention of being married in the temple again. The fact he plans to marry in the temple means no premarital sex. Mormons are a different breed than most people today. The issue of a temple marriage would slow the idea of our marriage down. Because I have been away from the church for such a long time, I am not worthy to attend the temple yet. I would have to prove a minimum of six months devotion before I would be allowed to go.
Adam: Mormonism seems like a really strict and difficult way to live to me.
Me: Maybe you can understand the rigid ness of my beliefs a little more now. The belief system Steve has is more in keeping with mine. With James I fell away from the light.
Adam: Most of what I felt during the dark times in the past several months about Scarlett and morality were strongly borne out of my misery and heightened sensitivity. I could forgive and perhaps even understand what Scarlett has done at this point. I don't feel as darkly now about the religious aspects as I did before.
Me: I don't think I registered you feeling darkly about religion. Can you refresh my memory?
Adam: I was really down on her as a sinner and as a dark, horrible person for sleeping with him, for cheating in her heart. But I'm not really that rigid. That's not really me. I know if she really did care about me, then their physical acts would be very regrettable, but not unforgivable.
Me: I still think they are both terrible sinners but now I am now in a much different place where forgiveness and understanding are now possible.
Adam: Yes, but to what end? The relationships can't be salvaged, and they don’t want and don't ask for forgiveness. For you, I am pleased that you have found someone who treats you with respect and has beliefs so much closer to your own. That's what you deserve.
6/28/01
Me: I don't know if you'll really want to know this, but I asked James if they had discussed marriage and if it felt weird to discuss it already since neither of them are technically divorced and when they thought they would get married.

Adam: I'd say this would be the acid test: I read your e-mail at about 1 am, just before going to bed, from my friend's house and had almost no feeling whatsoever. That broke about three rules for me right there. I read one of your messages in that scenario once, and it made it impossible to go to sleep that night. I was so upset, and I swore I'd never read mail from you or about Scarlett before going to bed again. And here I was staying over at my friend's, in the same room with the same computer, reading the same way I had before.
Me: Sorry...
Adam: The email I read before was the big confirmation about them sleeping together. Frankly, James is a fool if he marries her, whether he pays any attention to what I think or not. She has a boatload of issues to deal with and he's a big part of the things that upset her, and so he's setting himself up for one big time fall.
Me: What part of him upsets her?
Adam: She blames him for what she's done to me, what's going to happen to her son, not knowing how she is going to support herself and/or bring up her son in a lifestyle that she had not planned; how she has to face and deal with her friends and family now that she's re-coupled with a man she's already broken up with twice before. All things he's very involved in and responsible for. Down the road when things get difficult, she could really blame him for everything (if she doesn't now) and that could really unpleasant for both of them. I know she has equal responsibility, but sometimes you miss your own role in it all. It's going be his fault and all his fault (with perhaps a good helping of my fault spooned in to the mix), and he's going to get slammed. Hard. Poor shmuck.
Me: James didn't really set himself up to go into that relationship in a healthy way and it will catch up to him eventually. Anyway, he said they had discussed getting married, but it wouldn't be for awhile and it was weird to discuss and that's why they hadn’t broached the subject.
Adam: Everything is weird to discuss with her! Everything! If there's even the slightest edge to what's being discussed, she's not interested. She never broaches uncomfortable subjects, she just lets them slide. That should be big-time warning bells right there. It will be very surprising to see whether her reaction to our divorce proceedings will be to get him to marry her as soon as possible. She's going to realize that, by living with me for seven years, and then being only married for four, she loses out on a lot of belongings and makes it very difficult for her to get a hold of anything in the event of a breakup. It protects her, financially and emotionally, if she marries him as soon as she can. James sure does answer some pretty deep questions, considering he knows that you talk to me. Is he mentally challenged, or what?

Me: Or what! I think it's his stab to keep a connection with me, since that's the first I've talked to him in almost two months.
Adam: That's pretty desperate, to be sharing that kind of stuff.
Me: I was very surprised he answered, so I agree.
Adam: I received one of her medical bills the other day. For ten to fifteen minutes, I convinced myself she must be pregnant, from the looks of all the blood tests. But the doctor she went to turned out to be Urgent Care, so she probably just had the sniffles or something.
Me: Just a day or two ago I shared with Steve some of the emails you've sent me that showed your philosophies, he thought they were very similar to his outlook.
Adam: That's pretty interesting. Are we about to do a hand-off, here where you get more from Steve now than me?
Me: Looks that way...

book Two -- I will Survive -- Chapter 2: Just Between Ex's (Part 2)

4/15/01
Adam: According to you, James said "Relationship Rescue" backfired for him; he kept thinking of Scarlett. I wonder what would happen now if he read it? Funny thing happened to me, I read it trying to fix my marriage and it backfired for me too. I learned about the right way to be in a marriage, how to treat people and how to expect to be treated. In the end I came out of it with all the reasons why it won’t work with Scarlett. I also moved on to "Life Strategies,” and that was even more important for showing me how to be, how to live, and how to enjoy myself. Oops. She kicked the dog out the front door, and once he got a step or two out of reach of her boot, he suddenly transformed into a thoroughbred that went running for the hills, full of joy and vigor.
4/16/01
Me: I am curious how all this works. Does the Easter Bunny come to both houses?

Adam: I have no idea what Scarlett did, other than an Easter dinner at noon at her dad's house just before Chris came to me. As for us, we had my friend Tricia over and her two kids. We had hidden eggs, jelly bean nests, and Ghirardelli chocolate squares all over the (my -- mine, mine, mine) backyard and the kids had a blast. I was surprised a two year old would know what he was doing as well as Chris did. I never mentioned the Easter Bunny to him, but I think that's how it will get described; the Easter Bunny goes to every house, not just every kid, same as with Santa Claus.
Me: James is whining "I gave up so much. I want a house."
Adam: Scarlett lives in a house. What is complaining about?
Me: "I miss the dog and the cat and Tom and..." Isn't this what he chose?
Adam: It's very easy when your hurting on the inside to sit and judge and simply say, "Tough life. This is what you chose." We keep making choices all the time and none of them are ever terribly lasting. You're just going to shut him out if you say those kinds of things to him. Instead you might try pointing out to him that we all have our choices and we're never really locked in to any of them. If he wants to he can choose his way right back out of this, easy as pie. It won't be entirely clear to him because of Scarlett's hold on him, but if you could be encouraging to him rather than so bitter, it might help your cause.
Me: What would I want to be encouraging about?
Adam: Everything. Remember about flies, honey and vinegar.
Me: I can't be encouraging about his lack of definitively choosing between us because he keeps hitting my head against a brick wall and I can't take it any more!
Adam: You keep telling yourself all this negativity. Just make yourself excuses right out of the behavior and attitude that will get you what you want. Why don't you go jump in the pool and soak your head while you're at it?
Me: You are right. But why is he complaining to me?
Adam: I dunno, dippy. It might be because he actually cares about what you think. That he's trying to talk to his best friend no matter how badly his feelings are being expressed? Maybe he's just venting. Maybe he's reaching out to you for help and understanding, testing the waters to see if you still have the capacity to be a giver rather than a taker; to see if it might just be possible he could form a future with someone like you?
Me: Are you implying I am a taker?
Adam: "Come back to me" "You owe it to me" "What about your son?" Yep, you sound like a taker. Try: "I can (and want to) give you this," "I'd like for you…” “I want to work together on this," "Let's have Tom's best interests at heart as we do this."
Me: I tried all that and it went nowhere.
Adam: They're not platitudes. They're not tools to keep someone in line. They're an attitude and a belief system. You have to believe in them, not just say them. Maybe you’d better take a look in the mirror at how you are acting and ask yourself if you're being a person he might want to be with going forward? I'm reading a whole load of whining from you. It's all problems and very few solutions. What kind of package are you offering this guy anyway? You've got to give a little in order to get what you want in this life and you have to give more than you take in order to live a good life. Do you know what I'm saying? You really should stop focusing on how bad and evil they are and focus on what makes you happy, what you need and who you need to be in order to live the life you're meant to. I am a bit of a friend and a friend doesn't lie you.
4/17/01
Me: Yeah, even when you are down right rude, I don't mind.
Adam: Sometimes, it seems like you only listen to me when I'm rude.
Me: I even smile and it really bugs me. You are always right and always so positive! I am glad you are that way though, because I need to hear it, no matter how rude you say it!
Adam: There you go. I'm having a blast. I'm loving that I'm alive and she didn't kill me off with her selfishness. I even enjoy that she and I are starting a repertoire that will help us to raise Chris in as healthy a way as possible given the circumstances. You are down, bitter and still wanting that vile schmuck back in your life. It's revolting. We seem to be at opposite ends. I've come through it and you're stuck back at the beginning. Learn patience or learn misery. It's your choice. You think I'm getting too harsh? I told you to go to counseling. Now, several months down the road, we're in the same stupid place. Why aren't you doing everything possible to get back into counseling?
Me: We really aren't in the same place. I can feel the tide turning. I think a positive break through is around the bend. What will a counselor really do for me? Nothing I couldn't do for myself given time and introspection, and someone to nail me to a wall every now and then!
Adam: Funny, coming from a psychology major. You're supposed to buy into their psychobabble more than I do. My counselor is a big part of the reason I'm on solid ground again. I see him every two weeks and sometimes I think weekly would be better. I am glad to get the sense from you that you feel I'm helpful but I'm not qualified for this. You need someone you can dump to in a weekly session for fifty minutes, not someone you email every so often. How am I supposed to help you if you only take the feel-good things I tell you to heart?
Me: I take everything you say to heart, but changing behavior is difficult, especially when you don't stop to think about it. You are good at making me stop and think.

Adam: You need to change your attitude, rather than your behavior, and attitude is much more malleable than behavior. I feel only about ten percent of what I've had to say over the past few months has stuck. And why should it? I'm some guy with a failed marriage. You don't know me from Adam. But I still try and sometimes it feels like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit with sand one teaspoon at a time. My number one good thing to tell you is: get thee hence to counseling. Once you do then I can be helpful again. Other than that I'm barely making a scratch. You want a priest, hit a church. You just want to vent and be allowed to figure out how to live your life right (and this is the only thing you really need, by the way), then go counseling.
Me: Please, do not think of me as a bottomless pit. Try to see your grains of knowledge as a grain of sand an oyster. That little ten percent will someday turn into a pearl. If James had ever worked with me as hard as you have maybe my attitude would have changed years ago.
Adam: Yeah, well, maybe if I'd have worked this hard on Scarlett and me, things would be different too. But there's no going back, only forward.
4/18/01
Me: You are more real than any counselor and you don't sugar coat things.
Adam: A counselor (a good one) doesn't do any more than have you face your own issues on your own. If you really face off against yourself, as you should, then you won't get a sugar-coated version either and there's no miscommunications, misunderstandings, or filters. You can't hide from the truth in your own mind at least not for long.
Me: Honestly you and my stepmother harassing me to be positive and nice has done more to change my ways and the way I see things.
Adam: It's not about changing your ways. It's about introspection that lets you feel good about who you are as-is and how you treat other people once you find your inner peace that can lead to inner joy. That leads to outer peace and outer joy. Then people flock to you because they haven't found that for themselves. With luck, you find someone who's got potential or even has already found his joy and then you build something together. Then the chains of love don't exist any more. You've both got joy on your own; you don't need it from others; you're just giving it. And between you, you really feel for one another and build upon each other's joy, and there's no reason for either person to look or go elsewhere. And then, even if one of you does go elsewhere you've already found your own joy and hopefully you really can allow the other person to go forth and celebrate with him as he realizes his joy either away from you or as he comes back.
4/24/01
Me: Even though I thought our decree was finished, James called because he wants to change it again. He wants language so we can discuss in the future that I help to pay for travel visitation costs. When it comes to that issue I just can't do that. I will not pay for him to see his son when it was his choices that put us here. If he wants to see his son then he can pay for it! Is that really an awful way to think? Part of me knows it is because we should have a more cooperative approach to parenting, but he will always make more money than I will. Why should I have to pay for his choice?
Adam: You may be surprised, but I agree with you. You shouldn’t agree to pay for his travel costs. It sounds Scarlett inspired, to tell you the truth.
Me: Part of the positive tide, is that I am starting to really not care about what choice he makes because I am getting sick of this. Second is because while James is here with Tom, I will be going out for the third time with Steve. Being able to date makes me feel so much better!
Adam: Wow! I thought you were still so hung up on James you weren't dating. That's great news!
4/28/01
Adam: It was a pretty important weekend with James coming to visit. I didn’t hear from you. I'm wondering if things went badly?
Me: There was no confrontation. No discussion of anything about relationships or the divorce. We spent a lot of pleasant time together. It went badly only in that nothing is any further resolved and that bothers me.
Adam: Patience is a virtue. It would be nice if you had him sign so you can be sure it's over, but it's really his issue to deal with and you need to let him work through it without any negative input from you; if there is to be any input, it should be positive, supportive, and non-pushy.
Me: I could feel myself dealing with the concept of letting go much easier. I am in a good place. I wasn't destroyed when he walked out the door like I usually am. I'm not sure if it was because things went so well or because I am letting go. Maybe both. Anti-depressants probably have their place in the equation as well. It could be James was so nice because he feels bad for being a scoundrel and thinks being overly nice will help me get over it and hate him less or he could be having second thoughts. I have no clue.
Adam: It sounds like he still cares for you on some level and if it helps you and enriches your life then that's positive to hear! I used to think of Scarlett as the cold hearted witch who dumped me like yesterday's garbage, but I've now realized that it's quite possible and even probable that she still has her moments of regret as she sees me moving on with my life and being quite successful. She's nice to me because she doesn't want to believe herself capable of the evil she's wrought, and is trying to make up for it. It lessens the damage she's done. She definitely wants to minimize the damage done to Chris. On some small scale she wants to keep the door open too. Not to mention I have some measure of ability to relate to women on their level, to be empathic, understanding, a really good friend, lover and mate to my female partner. Why she gave that up is a question that still eludes me.
Me: You have been amazing to me. You have done a lot to help. You are very open with me. James could never come close to discussions like this. In fact in a recent conversation he asked me questions about the way he communicated and I got the sense he was asking me things that Scarlett had a problem with like, "do you have problems with the long periods of silence? Do you need an answer from me every time?"
Adam: That's funny, because I can see how that would be a problem with Scarlett. She likes reassurance. She likes to be talked to a lot. In a lot of ways she trained me to be more open about myself. Scarlett figures that in order for people to be in a room with her they need to interact with her. If they don't, she's insulted. We used to visit my mother and watch a lot of videos since it was something we all (all being me, my mother, my sister, and my sister's husband) enjoyed. Scarlett hated it. She felt it was a waste of time to sit in the same room and not relate to one another. She was quite insulted by my sister in this regard. She did not understand how my sister might actually come into the room she was in such as the kitchen attached to the living room, get food and not at least start a polite conversation with her. I'd do the same thing, be working from home at my desk, want a soda or something, hit the kitchen really quick, and head back to the room. As far as Scarlett was concerned that was high treason.
4/30/01
Me: While we lived together, James appeared to be concerned about me. I think he legitimately cares, but he isn't the type of person to get wrapped up in your life. He wants his own life, separate, yet supported.
Adam: That doesn't sound entirely unreasonable but in Scarlett's world it does not fly. Especially having your own life separate from hers. She does not go for that. I'm very glad to have my own life again now we're apart.
Me: That will take an awful lot of training to get James to talk. I can't tell you how many silent drives in the car there were. Every night all we did was watch movies or TV with little to no conversation. We liked it that way I thought.
James: She hates just sitting around and watching movies. We used to do that whenever we visited with my mother and she absolutely hated those trips. I like to just sit and relax at night and on the weekends, but she wants to be out there doing things feeling like she has an active lifestyle; though I don't know how much that has changed now she's a stay-at-home mom.
Me: James hates the fact you and I talk. He thinks it is a personal attack on him.
Adam: Really? I figured he wouldn’t care, like he doesn't care about much that happens with anybody but him. I'm sorry if I've upset things for you with him.

Me: I don’t care what he thinks about it because I think you have helped me, especially in being able to be nice to James.
Adam: It really is ironic that he feels it's all about him. It's been more about you and about me and it's resulted in healing and acceptance.
Me: Exactly, if only he really knew who it was who has been his best ally in getting me to behave! But because we talk he thinks he can’t trust me (of all the irony!)
Adam: I don't think he quite understands trust. Obviously he can't trust himself so why should he trust anyone else?
Me: I haven't done anything that I feel would betray his trust.
Adam: Scarlett doesn't trust him. He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him. There's not a lot of trust going around. But they're both untrustworthy so they've got a real pickle to deal with. I do agree with your implication that there's irony here. Who are either of them to point the finger of distrust?
Me: James's birthday is coming up soon. I told him the best present I could give him is time with his son. I offered to fly both of us in for a few days, even though he is coming here in a few weeks. With as little as he sees his son and as much of a witch as I am about not paying for any visitation you would think he would jump on the chance, but no. He has sat on his decision about whether he wants me to come for five days now.
Adam: Well, now that's not an answer of no now is it? I say be patient and let him fully answer if he's going to.
Me: I wrote to him about the cool things Tom is doing: standing in his crib, crawling, two new teeth, and he wrote a short "that's cool" response. His problem with my coming is my presence would cause a problem with Scarlett. He is afraid to deal with what my being around would do. At this point I hope he doesn’t say yes, because I don't want to come anymore.
Adam: You had the right attitude by offering. But if you withdraw now, it won't look genuine that you did have the right attitude. I don't think you should have to wait forever for an answer either. I think it's fair for you to bring it up to him nicely, and say that you want to make plans one way or the other; so would he please indicate his interest or disinterest so you could move on it?
Me: Doesn't this whole not signing the divorce papers for six months show you how that philosophy doesn't work with him? He can't make up his mind about anything and he doesn't care if he keeps you on hold while he ponders it! It just annoys me.
Adam: I'm telling you how to get out of this without looking bad. Tell him you need time to plan and that time is up. Does he want you to come or not? If not, then you cancel and it doesn't look like you made the decision for him. It's perfectly allowable that you have a timeline to follow. He can't drag his feet forever. Whereas if you simply say "you didn't answer me, so I presumed your answer was no,” then you're being a jerk(ette). Maybe you should suggest staying over in the Bay Area so it's not near her? You could stay near where he works.
Me: I suggested Sacramento when I brought it up to begin with. If all was beautiful between them why should I be a threat to either of them?
Adam: Well, even fairly confident folks have their hang-ups. But to not even allow for this because she'll get jealous over his seeing his son; that's bad.
Me: I don't think it is jealousy over seeing his son, I think she is threatened because I'll be around! They don’t want me to know anything about their lives.
Adam: But to keep him from his son that's not right even if she is threatened. Then again we're talking about a certified cheater here spending time with his not-yet-ex-wife and his child. How can she trust him? Of course this is going to be an ongoing problem for them. She will never change on this no matter how deeply into a relationship they get.
Me: And since he doesn't have the nerve to stand up to her, she wins.
Adam: It's been my one saving warm thought through all this. James has had no idea what he's doing. She's a piece of work and a definite challenge to deal with. It's not fun, ever. I had molded a semi-dealable relationship and life around her a series of coping mechanisms that allowed me to deal with her and feel I was happy. But now that I'm at a distance, I can only think "you poor, miserable schmuck. You're going pay for what you did and it will be your own poor misguided choices that did it to you. Oh my how you're going to suffer..."
5/2/01
Me: James and I talked last night, I didn't use the time issue. I said it didn't feel right. It wasn't meant to be forced or complicated and it has turned into a pain. I said all I wanted was for it to be nice and it won’t be so I didn’t feel like coming. He agreed it would be a pain. He's afraid I have another motive so I told him I didn’t need to come. He said he was sorry that he seems to suck the niceness out of things. He said he would think about it some more.
5/4/01
Me: This was the first time in history he has said I'll think about it and his answer changed! I guess he decided taking advantage of the opportunity was more important than all the other issues. That's a first for him! After our conversation, it would be nice if the trip were enjoyable, as much as it can be under the circumstances. His big hang up was I said I would not allow him to take Tom for any time alone like I do when he is here. He asked why and I said it was because I don't want Scarlett anywhere near my son. He replied, “but what if I guarantee she wouldn’t be.” Yeah, like I can trust him! He apologized for handling things poorly. I said it's not poorly; it's just how you are. In a few weeks his whole family (parents and sisters) is scheduled to come here. Since I suggested bringing Tom for his birthday, he had the nerve to ask me to bring him for their planned trip so his entire family didn't have to trek out here. I said if he paid for everything, hotel, car, plane, food, I'd think about it. It would be saving his family hundreds of dollars and he still didn't say he would pay it. He'd have to pay anyway if he came here. I just don't get it.
Adam: Power plays, that's all. Even if it makes more sense it's like you are getting something out of it so he doesn't want to do it.
5/9/01
Me: Wow! What a powerful trip on so many levels, but I guess I really need to wait and see what the fallout of all of this is. Saturday and Sunday were nice hanging out with his folks. There was the typical obnoxious family stress and difficulty, but that's normal. It was fun to just sit on the floor and play with Tom. Tom took his first solo steps Saturday and we were both there to see it. If for no other reason I am glad that I went just so James could have seen that. When we got back to the hotel Sunday, James did a lot of crying about Tom and wanting to be a part of his life.
Adam: Sounds like Scarlett a lot in the beginning except without most of the crying.
Me: Do you mean she wanted to be part of Chris's life or that she wanted you to be part of Chris's life?
Adam: That it was all about Chris. Never mind what she had done; never mind how much I was suffering. It was all about making sure his life didn't get destroyed. I had news for her, it was too late and it was in large part her fault. I try to see it more as "It doesn’t matter what happens to my life, as long as I make sure this doesn't affect my son, it will work out.” Problem is, there was no way it was ever not going to not affect him.
Me: While I was there it hit home how much I love Tom and how great he is and how lucky I am to be with him everyday even though it's is hard work.
Adam: I'm pleased that you're able to do that. After what you've been put through, you at least deserve that.
Me: Monday James, his parents, Tom and I went to Mickee's Grove (a cute little amusement park for small children). We took Tom to the zoo and then we went on some rides and then we sat in the park and had lunch. It felt like we were a family and it was nice, then we got back to his parent’s house and it was like returning to prison. Everyone separated to different rooms. I just wanted to be alone with James and talk, but that wasn't going to happen, so I kind of lost it. I went into a back room and just dealt with my issues for awhile by myself. When I came back it was like a nice family again sitting on the floor playing with Tom. Back at the hotel James tried to leave without talking to me, but I wasn't going to let that happen. After talking I felt like he made the decision to finally sign. I begged him to sign. But then he went on about, "I did suffer. You saw my suffering." It just baffles me. No, I didn't. I never saw anything. From the day he got her letter until the day I found out I never saw a change in James's behavior at all -- ever, but he refuses to believe me.
Adam: That is pretty cold. "I know you saw me suffering as I cheated on you. That makes it okay. I didn't hurt you because you knew it was happening." Lame. Weak. Loser.
Me: Besides the fact that it just isn't true! He expected me to make things better when I couldn't even tell things were wrong!
Adam: It's a cop out for him to have expected you to fix things. Same with Scarlett. "You don't make me happy" she said. That's something a three-year-old would think. We're responsible for our own happiness, not anyone else.
Me: For two mornings I sat about six houses down from her house and watched as he pulled out of the driveway, confirming that he does live there.
Adam: I wish you hadn't tortured yourself with that. I wish you hadn't tortured me with that. But I already knew he had his own remote to the garage opener, so I was pretty well in the know anyway. Does he know you saw him leave the house two mornings in a row?
Me: As you might have guessed, I would leave his neighborhood the same time he did so it was tough beating him back to the hotel. He asked me what I was doing driving around town. I wouldn’t tell him. He could tell I was mighty angry so if he isn’t stupid he figured it out.
He was crying as he left Tuesday night. As horrible as it has it turned out to be it is the best thing that could have happened for Tom. Yes, he is without a father but with the kind of father James would have been if nothing had changed it makes all of this not such a bad loss. All of this forces James to think about fatherhood more and make conscious choices to be a good father and I don't think he would have thought about it so much if nothing changed. So it's all good. I think making that trip was the best thing I have done for myself in months. I think you and I have really come a long way and really done pretty well in moving on and after this weekend it seems to me that although they live together as a man and wife they are both still pretty stuck in their unhappiness.
Adam: There I will agree with you. They're a done deal, but just don't know it. They're not growing; they're regressing. I was somewhat hopeful that James might actually have shown some growth by asking your forgiveness and giving it another try, but I only think that would have been a temporary situation that would have left you with further heartbreak eventually. Better to fully break it off after mistakes like this and move on.
Me: I don't know what I expected you to say, but you didn't have reaction to all this info that I thought you would have.
Adam: What did you think? Anger? Hurt? Indifference?
Me: Actually I think I expected you to congratulate me on doing so well and finding the positives.
Adam: Forgive me, but we've been through this before, and it didn't stick then. Plus, there's the spying on him on Tuesday, which wasn't a good idea. I know he lives there. I know he's a putz. What else can I say? He's beneath you and you need to find better. To be honest your revelation about him leaving on Tuesday morning did bother me, but it's nothing I didn't already know securely in my heart anyway. It's why she gave me the cats; it's why she continues to get my belongings (those she doesn't want) out of the house. I continue to adjust to the fact that he's there, but considering the fact I'm not there and I don't want to be there it really shouldn't bother me much. The fact they returned my condoms, but not the AstroGlide is still a bit bothersome, but I try not to think about it. It's one u-g-l-y mental picture. I get the feeling she thinks "oh, good, he's better now; accepting of things, so now we can get back to the way things were, on my terms"
Me: I don't think they realize that they don't have that control over us anymore.
Adam: You got that one right. Hit the nail on the head. They've got a lot of surprises in store for them in the coming months, and I doubt they're going to like any of them. For grins I played Boyzone's "No Matter What" tonight; it's the love song that Scarlett sent him the soundtrack for; then emailed him the lyrics as well. Listening to that, I can see exactly how nastily they're glued into a pointless fantasy land. You might go look up the lyrics on the web. Worth a grin or two (only if you're feeling very strong hearted, though). It's silly really. It's how thirteen year olds see love not grown adults. Nice and romantic, thinking the world is against you but your mutual love will see you through. Nice if you're in junior high, but not really reasonable to believe in for normal adults.
“No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know our love forever
I know, no matter what
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered (hear my prayers)
Then we would hear God say
No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What we believe is true
And I will keep you safe and strong
And shelter from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born
No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need
No matter if the sun don't shine (sun don't shine)
Or if the skies are blue (skies are blue)
No matter what the end is
My life began with you
I can't deny what I believe (what I believe, yeah)
I can't be what I'm not
(I know, I know) I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what”
Me: Maybe things are on the up and up for me, but I think I got over all their song swapping with each other a long time ago; James's personal CD creations were far more destructive to me. Those songs ripped my heart out. I could see why James is so blind and whipped. I can understand love and wanting to be together. I can even accept it, but the way they handled it makes me sick.
Adam: For awhile I was feeling the same way. I still think, "Okay fine, not me. That I can accept, but going backwards in such a soap-opera, Jerry Springer manner? That's just nuts"
Me: There is a moral right and wrong and they are violating everything I believe to be right, and it doesn't have to be that way. I don't care if they end up together, but living together as man and wife before either of them is divorced just makes me physically ill.

Adam: Unfortunately, most people don't see a problem with this sort of thing anymore. Even I don't feel as strongly about this particular aspect as you do (though I do think I should have been able to get my stuff out of the house before this happened; I'm still without most of my major belongings. She even gave him one of my motorized toothbrushes. Considering Scarlett has never had much compunction about extramarital sex, it should come as little surprise that she doesn't feel terribly immoral about this. In her mind, the marriage covenant doesn’t mean as much as her personal feelings.
Me: They could have been together and still had/have compassion on the people’s lives they destroyed but they didn't. I think that is the part that makes me really angry.
Adam: That would have meant they would have had to make adult decisions, and have been truly sure about what they wanted. From Scarlett's perspective, she has been extremely conflicted about all of this all along, not sure about what she wanted to do. What she did was raise enough ire with me until I had to act; I had to push things forward. It's immature, childish stuff, but it's what she did.
Me: It was exactly the same with James. I've told James what he wanted really isn't so bad, but it's the how it was handled and when it was done that really makes him such a jerk. There could have been a lot of forgiveness and even compassion and support by me, if he had handled it in a compassionate way towards me. But the screw you, I hate you, I can't wait until I am out of here attitude I feel I received during the last trimester of my pregnancy just garnered the same response from me, and it didn't have to be that way. I know he really doesn't hate me, but the way he handled it I felt like he did.
Adam: You're giving him too much of a way out with this. What he wanted was bad.
Me: Not really, he just wants to be happy. I can understand that.
Adam: He wanted to cheat on you. He wanted to betray you.
Me: I don't think he wanted to do that.
Adam: Well, I phrased this wrong. What he wanted was to sleep with Scarlett. Wanting that is wanting something bad. It's wanting something that will cause cheating and betrayal. It's not so bad for him to want to experience other sexual partners (it's scummy, and low, but somewhat natural), but it was bad for him to pursue those things while with you, to lie to you about it, to betray you. He did want things that caused all that hurt, and he did act when he should not have. I have never sensed he was unhappy with you either. He wanted to experience sex with Scarlett, that's all. That's bad. It's inexcusable for him to remain with you and pursue someone else.
Me: Because he is still legally married to me it really bothers me that they live together. Fine be together, but do it morally. He should get the divorce that he wanted to imitate before moving in.
Adam: Their moving in together bothers me too, and should help me legally. Frankly, wanting to just have sex with her was a hollow goal. She's simply not all that and a bag of chips as a sexual partner. She was very hard to please. She set impossible goals for me. Consequently, I got very good at certain aspects of lovemaking, much better than I would have to be to please most women; yet it was never enough for her. She didn't train me to do anything either. It was me, constantly working to please the unpleasable.
Me: But hard to please means you need lots of practice to get it right, so I bet James loves the practice sessions.
Adam: Actually, she's very bad at expressing what she likes or doesn't. It was all me trying to make it better all the time.
Me: When James would try things with me and I wouldn't respond or didn't like it he would counter that other women loved it and responded to it. It made it sound like he has had all this experience, but James has only been with three people in his life (to my knowledge).
Adam: He was working from knowledge in porno's, no doubt. Where else would his info come from? It doesn't sound like this guy talks to other folks about this stuff around the water cooler. My understanding of his previous sex life is only three other people too. I'd point out how sad it is I know that about him. It boggles my mind. I get hit on all the time. I used to think it was because I was happy and not wearing my ring anymore, but then I put the ring back on (for my own reasons), and I got hit on even more. Perhaps I appeared safe to flirt with, I don't know. When you are happier it is just the air you personify. You are looser and more easy going, people will approach you, ring or not it doesn't matter. I could see it completely. Thing is, there's that one aspect of it, and then there's the fact that these women who hit on me have consistently not been the type to have paid me any attention before. Then again before I knew Scarlett, I had the lowest self-esteem you can imagine. It's why I settled for her. I had dumped my only girlfriend up to that point, and the person I dumped her for showed little true interest in me after all, so I grabbed on to whoever seemed interested and look where I am now ten years later. If I'd only had the confidence then that I do now. I would have avoided a whole lot of pain.
Me: You know, I think that would be the exact words James would use to describe his life! Low self-esteem, grabbing whoever is there, settling and then ten years later, blam!
Adam: It sounds like he's settling again. If they are so all powerful together, why is he just stumbling from one default relationship to another without thinking through what he really wants? What's really important to him? Isn't it about time he really grew up? I think it is.
Me: He doesn’t think of being with Scarlett as settling since it's what he has always wanted. However, I tend to think now that he’s learned she wasn't all that she was cracked up to be, so now he might see it as settling again. But he is so lazy I don’t think he would leave her. He told me our biggest obstacle was my being here and having bought a house.
Adam: What a crock! It doesn't allow him to control you anymore, and it puts serious problems on his staying here. But still, if he cares about you, that shouldn't matter.
Me: He said recently that if I had stayed we'd have gotten back together by now. I don’t know if he means it or just said it because he is tucked away safely in California.
Adam: Sounds just like Scarlett and her logic. "If only you hadn't done this one little thing, then it would all be different..."
Me: James has a very kinky sexual side in him, and since Scarlett participated more in those activities than I ever would, he was drawn back to her. Which I find ironic. Seems she has the talk, but that isn't really the way she walks!
Adam: Hard to say anymore. More things are becoming a lot clearer to me now. Why she didn't like oral sex for either of us. I think she was saving the memories of those things she did with James. I was too blind for too long, and I only have myself to blame for. Thank God she let me go. I might still be stuck in that living nightmare otherwise. In the end she suddenly got a lot freer about things like scanning the scrambled porn. She only started to do that with me after she was cheating with James. She started doing the kinkier things too. She started to define her roles differently.
Me: I don't know if you knew this but in high school he would shop at Victoria Secrets for her Christmas presents. Apparently it became a tradition (all of two years...), but I found receipts from Victoria Secrets in his wallet in January, and I can say with confidence that nothing was given to me, so the tradition lives on.
Adam: No, I didn't entirely know. (I did know that he bought her stuff from there, and I'm pretty sure she still has it all), but it was our tradition of sorts for Valentine's Day as well. When she had new stuff at Christmas time I just figured she bought it herself.
Me: James probably loves that he can do kinky, sluty things now and gets responses.
Adam: It amazes me that he'd even tell you that he expected oral sex from her, let alone tell you he was really looking forward to it.
Me: He didn't have to tell me. I knew what they did in high school. He told my how they used to have oral sex almost every day.
Adam: Nice imagery. No wonder you've stayed bitter for so long, harboring images in your head like that. Yuck!
Me: I don't participate in any kind of oral sex and it is his absolute most desired thing, so I just know him well enough to know what he was thinking.
Adam: I used to think that oral sex was something that didn't happen much, but these days it seems to be a fairly common and expected part of the process. Even twelve year olds are doing it on the playground so they can experience sexual release without fear of pregnancy. I think it's become more acceptable for society in general. Near the end of the marriage, Scarlett became a lot more open about this sort of thing. At the time I thought we were finally growing as a couple. I realize now it helped her feel less inhibited about what she was doing with James, and perhaps was even leading up to her requesting we have an open marriage. I'll never know for sure.
Me: Does this imply that toward the end she did it more than usual for you?
Adam: Hoh, yeah! It just says even more about her character; and about how it's a good thing I'm no longer with her. I just hope I can rub off on Chris enough that he doesn't follow her lead as far as how to view sex and marriage.
Me: I am pretty sure oral sex was the first physical contact they had when this started up too.
Adam: Yeah, that fits. Scarlett would and could probably justify all that in her mind as "it wasn't sex, so it was okay,” or at least "not as bad.”
Me: That's part of the reason I think he flipped so quickly over all of this. Of course not to discount the phone sex, cyber sex, and nasty letter she wrote him of course. What is a sex deprived, porno driven, fantasy man supposed to do? Of course he would fall down going gaga. “Tell me how high to jump...”
Adam: He's just driven by his hormones. I like to think I have outgrown that stage.
Me: I believe that physical act took place in January while you were out of town around her birthday. In case you are wondering; it was Dan who informed me. I am also pretty confident it occurred on some of their lunch dates too.
Adam: I'd have to go back and check out the timing on that one, but it's not worth it. Water under the bridge. Probably when I was staying in Redwood Shores overnight, but what does that matter? I could have been at my grandfather's funeral, or working to raise money for orphans or who knows? It wouldn't hurt any more or any less to know what I was doing that precise moment. It wouldn't save anything. It wouldn't change anything. I just try to get on with things and leave them behind, where they belong. Besides, every time she does something creepy, I end up winning. The Karma just seems to flow that way. It's amazing. And I don't understand the lack of conscience and lack of self-respect they must have to participate in this stuff. It boggles my mind.
Me: I don't know if you'll believe me, but I feel the same way. If James wanted to have sex now, I couldn’t do it, even though we are legally married and I have the right. It would make me feel like a slut, which is why I don't understand how they can wake up every morning and not feel like they are doing something disgusting.
Adam: That's unfortunately the way some people see the world. They've made their intentions clear, so they're no longer cheating on either of us. We are just more feeling than they are. They seem to be able to just dismiss their evil acts and intentions with a wave of their hands and simply feel better.

Me: James has yet to make his intentions clear. Just last Friday he told me he was trying to decide if might want to come back. If that is the case then yes, he is cheating on me!
Adam: He's stringing you along is what he's doing. Why he'd be doing that I don't know. He may not be sure, but he's not on the up and up, no matter what he's feeling.
Me: That's why for the last month every time I talk to him I ask him when he is going to sign the stupid papers! I told him he still needs to spend a significant amount of time completely alone to learn about himself because he's not bringing a healthy James into their relationship either, but he just assumes I have a hidden motive!
Adam: No one wants to face the possibility of being alone. Now that he totally messed up your relationship, he's probably afraid he might end up alone forever if he doesn't watch it. A miserable relationship (at least one with sex) is better than none at all.
Me: That’s a very male point of view. I’d rather have no relationship than one built solely on sex. Other interesting news I forgot to mention is that James's parents were invited to dinner at "their" house and they went. I don't exactly when it was however.
Adam: How did you find that out? I sure hope it was a weekend when my son was with me.
Me: I flat out asked his mother if they had done anything with them. And yes, Chris was there because I asked that too. The comment was made to me in October.
Adam: Yikes, a long time ago. That's before we even filed for the divorce.
Me: Sorry... I can understand though. I don't want Scarlett anywhere near my son. It's unfortunate that you can't keep James away from Chris for a while. What happens if Scarlett and James don’t work out? It just isn't smart. If she really had Chris's best interest in mind, James would not be living there. If it doesn't work out, how will James's leaving effect Chris? Or is she just as blindly confidant that they will last forever? Will James be the first of a string of guys she will drag through her house? It just isn't smart, and for your son's sake it's too bad you can't have a little more control over what she does in that respect.
Adam: Unless she does start in on a string of guys the courts won't see it as anything but their business, as long as Chris gets fed and clothed.
Me: On a different note, did she recognize your birthday?
Adam: Not personally, but she gave me a gift from Chris. I felt it was a pretty major copout. Plus, it was a picture frame. She keeps doing that. I've always felt photos should be shared; but it's a cheap excuse to use them for personal gifts. Her family thinks differently. I bought her a $100 cashmere sweater for Christmas, in a "no hard feelings" move, and while she said "Thank You,” and said she liked it. I didn't feel she was really ever going to wear it, and when she responded in kind with a photo in frame, I realized she just doesn't get it. I was going to skip Mother's Day entirely, but was reprimanded by friends who thought it too cold. I'm betting that Father's Day means another photo for me.
Me: James has done nothing for our anniversary, Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, or Mother’s day.
Adam: That doesn't sound atypical for him, as he's never did anything on holidays even when you were together. You should let him know how you feel though. "The mother of your child, yes your child, is upset that you have chosen to not even recognize that fact with a phone call or something. Child support and monthly visits do not make you father. I am very disappointed in you. First as a husband, and now as a father."
Me: Why should I bother telling James how I feel, it obviously doesn't matter to him, so why should I waste my time? If he changes it would be more about guilt and I am through with that.

book Two -- I will Survive -- Chapter 2: Just Between Ex's (Part 1)

Just Between Ex’s

Sometime in August I was sitting at home one day when I received a surprising phone call. On the other end of the line was Scarlett’s husband. He called me because he was trying to gather information to try to understand the truth of what was going on with his wife. He obviously did not believe the stories she was telling him, so he wanted to talk to me to compare our information. It was no surprise to learn that the stories were different for both of us. James told me he was leaving to be with Scarlett. Scarlett had not told Adam she was definitely leaving, but she did admit to having an affair. Adam’s reaction to learning about the affair wasn’t terribly different from me at first. At one point he had taken a rope into the garage and had strung it up around the bar for the garage door opener and was preparing to hang himself from it, when Scarlett walked in on him and professed her love and commitment to Adam. Since our spouses were less than forthcoming about the truth and about what was going on, Adam and I found that comparing notes was very insightful. We learned more about the truth of where our own marriages stood and how to deal emotionally with that information. Eventually we moved from phone calls to emails. A few days after giving birth to my son, I found myself home alone all day with nothing to do but focus on my life, so the relationship Adam I developed became a great strength.
9/7/00
Me: I gave birth Sunday; hence James is home pretty much full time now, and things are not well. He saw a lawyer last week and went through all the boxes I had packed and said soon we should discuss finances. Those are not good signs. My thought was to wait until I felt good enough to see a lawyer myself and then make arrangements to move. He has been living here the last three weeks, although he has been in a separate room. He has been nicer than ever taking care of me like never before. It doesn't make any sense to me. He said he wants to try to be here "just for the kid" for a month or two and then "maybe he'll find a reason to want to be with me.” It is a pretty feeble statement, so I don't know if I want to stick around under those circumstances.
9/12/00
Adam: Congratulations! I hope you are as happy to be a mom as I was to be a dad. It is a whole new life now, not just for your son, but for you as well. I hope and pray for the best for you and your family.
Me: Considering I have had no emotional support from the person I am supposed to be married to I am doing fine.
Adam: I am truly sorry to hear that. I was hopeful the birth had changed his attitude towards things at least enough for you to feel better and more supported. I know my fatherly instincts were not immediate. Not because I didn't care for my son, but rather because I wasn't sure how to express those emotions towards the new fellow in my life. It did come with time, however.
Me: I am not as much of a wreck about having Tom home as I thought I would be.
Adam: Just try to keep your wits about you for your son's sake. He will need you, and you him. You will be thankful when everything happens that he's there with you.
Me: Have you been able to move back in with Scarlett?
Adam: I don't mean to be facetious, but as I indicated earlier my interest here is in knowing you and your son will be okay going forward. To be quite honest, I have viewed your actions and your words with some measure of concern. I did not see what you were doing as equal to the ideal laid out for you by "Relationship Rescue,” in that you are ultimately responsible to yourself for you own well-being and contentment. You seemed intent on striking out at others and throwing blame, rather than trying as hard as you could to heal yourself and build a foundation for your life going forward, no matter what your life might hold for you. Ultimately, your happiness will depend on your care for yourself, and then your son, in that order and any happiness you might gain from James in the future will be dependent upon how well you've managed those primary goals and responsibilities first. It is my hope you can find strength and happiness for your life within yourself and through motherhood. So, to reiterate, I am not after information about James, and I'm not looking to supply any information about Scarlett and myself. I am interested in making sure your life is running in a positive direction (through whatever very minor role I can through my advice), rather than a continued downward spiral. I can tell you this: I feel as if I am on the right track. It is in no small part because of heavy self-inspection, brought about because of "Relationship Rescue," "Life Strategies," and "After the Affair." Taking responsibility for one's actions and facing one's demons on a level playing field, are what allows a person to take control of his or her life, and deal from a position of maturity and self-fulfillment that are prerequisite for a happy and well-lived life. I urge you to try to find this kind of peace and understanding for yourself.
9/14/00
Me: I’m speechless. I don't know how to respond.
Adam: I thought that might be the case. I do tend to come off tough-love preachy, but I'm thinking it's the best way to get through the cloud of confusion, fear, and hurt permeating your life.
Me: Why do you think I am still lashing out?
Adam: Your letter to Scarlett was very counter-productive. You took no responsibility for your own actions, laying a great deal of the blame on Scarlett's shoulders. While it is entirely within your power to point blame any direction you choose, it doesn't make you right about what you believe. At the same time, and perhaps more importantly, it's also entirely within your power to accept your own responsibility for what's happened (see Doctor Phil's work for a reference to this. He talks about this particular topic a lot more in Life Strategies, but there's plenty in Relationship Rescue as well), as well as the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you need to do for you, not for anyone. There can be tremendous power and healing in both accepting your responsibilities and living up to them, allowing forgiveness in your heart so dark thoughts do not turn to dark actions and overrule the important good forces in your life necessary for positive outcomes. I wanted to tell you not to send the letter, because it would not do any good for anyone involved. Even now, I'm not asserting what Scarlett's true reaction to it was; I'm simply saying it was a doomed project from the start. Outcome one could have been that Scarlett told James to take a hike. Then he's just settling for you and you've taught him it's okay to treat you badly. It'd be a temporary situation, as many issues would still be in your way. Outcome two might have been that you really upset Scarlett which would galvanize her against you, and make your cause that much more difficult. I'm not saying she'd actively work against you, but she certainly would lose any impetus she might have had to be supportive. It was lose-lose. Not only that, but you were working to control another person's actions, which is never an advisable tactic. You were asking Scarlett to do the dirty work to make it happen. Any outcome borne of such treachery is bound to fail, don't you think? Lest you think I'm just spouting my own stupid opinions without basis, I have participated in far too many attempts to control people. I've acted on really bad plans, and I've taught people to treat me in really horrible and underhanded ways, all the time thinking it was a winning proposition. I fully admit that I'm far from perfect. I was wrong to do these things, but I'm still learning as I go.
Me: Part of me still makes excuses for why James has done this.
Adam: James doesn't deserve to be allowed excuses, however much wallowing in excuses might fit into the lowered lifestyle he seems destined to build around him, but you need to treat yourself more maturely and respectfully.
Me: I don’t feel I have really been in a position to make too many choices for myself. I feel everything about this situation has been forced upon me.
Adam: That is an excuse for you. You have had the power to allow people to hurt you and you have allowed it. You have had the power to not allow the dark thoughts to overwhelm your sense of honor and self-respect and you haven't asserted that power. You've had the power to decide you're going to move forward in a positive direction without hindrances from your husband or the situation he has created around you. You're not doing that. To borrow Dr. Phil's words, you have had the power to change the way in which you've taught James to treat you. The way you're asking to be treated right now is not the way any self-respecting person should be treated. You're asking to be kicked and slammed as a martyr. No matter what it is that still ties you to someone who's so abusive to you, try to look at it in at least the rational point of view that you would not, could not, love someone who is whiny and weak, lies in front of you, asking to be pitied and punished, begging for your mercy. You need a strong sense of self, a sense of boundary, power and self-worth. Only then will someone be able to respect you and feel love and closeness to you. Other people respond to power and confidence; they shy from weakness and pathetic behavior in relationships, and rush to those things in abusive ones.
Me: I feel my ability to give and be everything James wanted was limited during my pregnancy.
Adam: As strong as my proceeding words are, let me say how crushed my spirit has been at the prospect of what you've been going though, not just at its basic level, but also while in the throes of such a biological and emotional kick-in-the-gut as pregnancy must be for a woman. If there were any room for excuse in this situation, this would apply in no small measure.
Me: But now it is over and I really have to face reality.
Adam: Your reality going forward is going to depend in no small part on what you make it. What you have to do now is to decide for yourself, how your life is going to run from now on. It's not about whether you're going to be with James or not. Your marriage may be over, but your relationship with James is going to last the rest of your life. James and his son will need to have every opportunity to form a proper relationship, and as painful as it may be for you, you have a duty (and not because I say so, but because you're going to know deep down inside for yourself, that it's a necessary part of who you are so you can respect yourself) to make sure that they have those opportunities. It’s about living your life so you are happy, nothing more. Griping and lamenting your losses is never going to make you happy. You'll be bitter and sore. You may appear to many people to have a right to be those things, but you really don't have the right to put limits on your own spirit. It's a disastrous thing to do to yourself to give up your power that way, wrapped up in a comfy warm wrapper that makes the role of martyr look so appealing, but that's a false front, and it just serves to destroy you from the inside, so you're no good to yourself or anyone else.
Me: Part of me was very happy with who I was (except for my weight) so I didn't think I needed to change much, especially for someone who wasn't committed to me, so I haven't changed in any way that would make James happier.
Adam: First, who says James is made happier? Who says the things you need to do to take care of yourself are in any way supportive of him or his efforts to be selfish and destructive? Second, presuming for a moment anything you do might make him happy, and therefore might support his treatment of you – so what? Can you understand the amount of power you give to James when you do that? You're saying you'd rather be miserable, self-loathing, and playing the victim because to give up that wonderful package might make James feel better in some way. I know how warm and fuzzy the feelings of vengeance can be. You think they give you strength and control over the situation. You feel the strength in yourself as you allow yourself to sink deeper into hurt in order to hurt another. You're showing strength. He's suffering. Pretty good package deal, right? I hope you're seeing what I'm saying. I'm obviously not trying to be subtle here. It should, hopefully, be clear to you how ridiculous that thinking is. If you don't want to be nice or supportive of James, then don't. But first, you have to be nice to and supportive of yourself; so you actually possess those items you're trying to hoard from him.
Me: I admire the strength in your message, it sounds like you are being successful.
Adam: Please proceed with caution and care here. This is a long, slow process, and you don't want to make any sudden moves. Things that seem like they're for you at first glance might turn out to not be that way, so the key here is to evaluate everything you do for awhile very carefully, asking if it seems right for you initially and then continues to do so a while later. I can spout on about all the power you've had to change things, about how you didn't use that power. It might appear as if I'm tossing some blame your way (why didn't you smell the coffee earlier?), but the truth is, it's very, very tough to accomplish these things and my being flippant about it doesn't really help anything. You haven't acted differently so far because the time wasn't right for you to do so. Believe me when I say this has been a very difficult time for me, and a lot of my strength is something that is surfacing after a long period of dormancy. I still proceed with very light steps because it's tough to know one's own path when one has been blind to it for so long. We're all here with just ourselves in the driver's seat. It's our responsibility to make sure we make the best of it. Keep reading your “Relationship Rescue,” especially the parts that talk about how you define your relationships with other people. If you're of the mind, you might try to get a hold of “Life Strategies.” A lot of this theory comes from that. Once you've decided, proceed slowly and with caution trying to make calm, mature, thoughtful decisions and then follow through. My understanding is as a woman, you're going to have a very tough time defining your boundaries. You're going to let James get to you. He can collapse those boundaries with very little effort. Heck, you still feel he's part of you, so there are few boundaries there. You have to learn to reestablish those limits, so you know where you end and the rest of the world begins. Then protect that division, so you make your moves without undue outside influences. You're in this for yourself (and then, later, for your son as well). Eventually, you'll get back to the core of you that once existed. I'm betting that girl is the one that James admired and was drawn towards. You want to be her again, perhaps even achieve a more improved version of her. By then you'll be having so much enjoyment, life will just flow right and if James is the guy benefiting with being with that person, then lucky him and if not, so what?
Me: Religion is one of the parts of me I know I lost when I chose James. At the moment, however, I am not sure how I feel about the loss.
Adam: I don't think you lost anything. You might not practice certain rituals or behave in certain prescribed ways, but faith is not something we forget, erase, or lose. Either God’s there for you and you've been ignoring Him, or He never really was there and you were just part of a big club with very defined rules.
I think James has discovered that reality is not nearly as good as the fantasy. His and Scarlett's problems stem from the fact she has terrible mood swings. One moment everything is wonderful and the next moment she's giving James a really hard time.
I found an email between James and his friend Mike. In it James said it was nice dealing with you because he could relax and feel comfortable. With Scarlett he's constantly walking on eggshells. He never knows when she's going to explode. Right now her biggest thing is your divorce settlement. She feels James has given in to you on too many points and she wants him to fight it.
He seems to feel he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. There's no going back. He did say if he could go back in time he would go back to last June. Ian asked him if he wouldn't want to go back to before the affair and he said no, that he needed to get it out of his system but he wishes you had never found out.
4/10/01
Me: James doesn't regret anything now and that is important. If he regrets it a few months from now or a few years from now, who cares?
Adam: You might care and it would be better if you wouldn’t say to him there's no going back.
Me: The person you who are married to should share the same moral values as you. Your morals and view of marriage should not be flexible issues!
Adam: I don't see you two ever seeing eye to eye on this. For that matter, I was shocked -- downright shocked -- that Scarlett could act as she did. It doesn't jive with the person I knew as my wife. That fact has a lot to do with my recovery from the situation and my realization she and I are simply not right for one another whether that's what's best for Chris or not. It's the signing of a piece of Man's Law that has you bent out of shape? To me, if you can forgive and get past the first series of sins, then signing the divorce paperwork is pretty minor by comparison.
Me: Knowing James I can understand what he did with Scarlett, that is why I can forgive it, but signing the papers says something about me. It says he doesn't care for me. I am not important to him. Our marriage meant nothing at all. That I cannot forgive.
Adam: That's just wacky. I don't see how you can justify this, but I guess I'm just not able to see it on your level. It's probably a gender issue. To you, sleeping with her is one thing, but to divorce you means an emotional attachment to her that you can't handle. For a guy, the sex would be the deal breaker. I do laugh a bit when I think about James wanting to "get it out of his system." I almost committed suicide because I was too bull headed to not believe in something so strongly, and just let go and learn not to let her get to me so strongly. What a waste it would have been had I died.
Me: I don't believe it would be a waste if I died. I actually believe it would be in my son's best interest for me not to be here.
Adam: You'd rather he be with James? That's what that would mean. Chris and Tom as stepbrothers? What are you thinking? Your being bitter and whiny about James will do much more harm to Tom's self-esteem than the fact there's no daddy in the picture. Worse than that would be if you checked out (either literally, or figuratively) as his mother. If you want to hate James forever, then do, but try to shield Tom from your anger. Do not think that subverting those feelings or your not being around him will in any way help him. It's not true. If you get hysterical you'll only hurt what you're trying to accomplish.
Me: Months ago I told him nicely and politely it was time to sign the divorce papers and move on because being held in limbo like this causes me to suffer. He didn't care. He says he’s still thinking about what he wants to do, and he still hasn't signed.
Adam: That either means he's not ready to, he's too lazy to do it, or he's actually listening to Scarlett and her nagging about trying to drag things out.
4/11/01
Me: So, how do I handle James not signing?
Adam: You should wait to see what happens; you should foster the lines of communication with him so you can know what he's thinking and try to be honest. I am sorry that this is so hard for you. Every day, I thank God for taking me out of a bad situation and improving my life day by day so it only gets better. It's not always easy and I fear a bit for Chris's happiness, but that's all I concentrate on: me being happy so he'll be happy around me. I wish it could be the same for you. If I could find it so hard to be married to her, it's possible James might too. I kept at it for ten years though, so this is quite possibly going to be the longest period of patience you'll ever have to have. I don't see it going on that long, but I am afraid it won't be a quick realization for him and you might have to accept some very tough things to get there. But if you can really look deep inside and know what you want, then you should keep after those things no matter what. I believe anything worth having is worth fighting for and anything worth fighting for is worth fighting for with all you have, all the way.
4/14/01
Me: I think he is starting to figure out and realize what he gave up, but it doesn’t make a huge difference.
Adam: It might. Remember, I was really surprised to hear that James was interested in this relationship with Scarlett because of sex. I'm not casting aspersions in her direction as far as her interest or abilities in that area, but I was very surprised to hear about basing a relationship with her on that. It's just not a major focus in her life. She likes sex and enjoys having it, but my experience with her was not one where I could ever imagine it turning into a focal point in her day. Daily intercourse seemed far out of the question. I figured James had that special something that would provide impetus for her to be different, but it's hard to believe after thirteen years of knowing her, I didn't have a better handle on her sexual focus. I'm now believing James misunderstood her interest in intercourse as far as being on balance with his and he's now seeing that. If you pick and paw at her, she does not appreciate it and while the honeymoon phase for them might have meant a lot of new experiences for him, I doubt it would last long term.
Me: I knew that too and tried to tell him, but he was convinced it was different! Yet, he still hasn't made up his mind about leaving me. He said the one thing he wants me do is move back to California. I will not do that under these circumstances.
Adam: I'd be wary of anything that puts you back in California, which would be all to his (legal) advantage.
Me: He hates it in Utah and he doesn't want to come back.
Adam: You hated California, so why should you come back here? He needs to decide how badly he wants whatever it is he wants.
Me: I will not return to California until I am convinced Tom and I are the only priorities in his life.
Adam: If you were to move to California, ever, you'd be taking Tom away from relatives who were there to support you when you needed them. Are you really willing to do that to them, after how they supported you, all to be with a man who did nothing right by you from the moment he got you knocked up? I don't think you ever should. You'll give up what support you have where you are and become dependent on him again. It sounds like a set-up to destroy your ability to own your home and get on with your life of your own.
Me: He told me that for Tom's sake we should live closer. I agree, but he left me for another woman, so he can come to me. But do you think she would ever let him move near me and take her son away from his father? No way! The situation is doomed!
Adam: No, I don't think she'd come there, and I certainly don't want her to. But I do think that he should come to you if he's interested in fixing this and getting back to you and he as a couple.
Me: To convince me he’s willing to fix us he will have to come to me, here in Utah. I don't think he grasps that yet, but at this point it is a non-issue. I also told him if he signed the papers I wouldn't be surprised. I would be more surprised if he came back. He said he would try to make up his mind as to whether or not he was going to sign this week. To which my reply was, “If you do not know what you really want, but you can still sign those papers then divorce doesn't really mean much to you. If it is something you can take so lightly, I can't be around someone who can take it or leave it. Marriage is not that kind of commitment to me.”
Adam: The big question I have in my mind is how much is this guy willing to risk in life? If he sees the truth that he built the fantasy in his mind way too high and it's now come toppling down, is he willing to risk that coming back to you might work? Or will he simply stick with what he has, because it's safe and secure; at least in the short term?
Me: Knowing James, he would stick with what he has because he doesn't want to admit defeat or a poor choice.
Adam: That's a big-time bummer. It takes a real man to admit those things. How unfortunate.
Me: He couldn’t admit he’s made mistakes because then he would have to admit he has hurt people.
Adam: No, no, actually this makes some sense. I'm starting to think he's more mentally challenged than a jerk at this point. Perhaps he really does try to do the right thing; it's just his thinking is extremely clouded by his seventeen-year-old "gotta get me some" mentality.
Me: If he left her now, instead of hurting one person, he hurts two. If she is still holding on to him, even if his fantasy is shattered, he may think he has an obligation to be with her since she left you for him. Yes, it was a huge risk to leave me and I don't think he really has the nerve to take that kind of a risk twice.
Adam: I think the reason for Scarlett's decision to be with him was based on how impressive it was to her that he would take such risks. She romanticized he couldn't do such things to you (and would never do that to her). But when he did, it was so obvious he must really feel for her to do that to his life, his wife, and his son. Thing is, this won't last. The way he's acting, it just won't. The way it is to live with her, it's just too wearing on a person. I couldn't really see it until I was out of the picture for a significant amount of time too. Believe me, if he thinks she's moody now, just wait.
Me: I made the mistake of being impressed by risks he took too. Besides, why would she be impressed with what he did? He didn't do anything. I am the one that filed and kicked him out!
Adam: It's the risk I'm talking about, not the actions. Remember, as a woman she's looking at emotional content, not physical action. He did participate in writing her letters and he did participate in the whining "My life with her sucks. I love you" conversations.
Me: I still don’t know why she would be that impressed. Truth be known James is in the same place mentally he was seven or eight months ago. The only reason he moved in with her is because I made him sell the house and he is too cheap to pay rent so he had no where else to go. She probably doesn’t know how cheap he is. Even though I have left, he still talks about being with me. Nothing has changed; he doesn't know what he wants. Being impressed he could do this, frankly, that is sick.

Adam: No, it's just the female mind at work (a bit twisted in its thinking, but still). How are women raised in this culture? To romanticize relationships with men. To believe in the knight on the white horse, who takes care of all the troubles and sweeps her off her feet. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not even saying that I know for a fact that she feels this way; it's just that's the only way I can see this having happened as it did that makes any kind of sense to me. As I was talking to a mutual friend in Santa Cruz, who has only recently found out about the divorce, she was incredulous about the whole thing. Of course, she figured it was all my doing. I'm the man after all. When she found out it was Scarlett and her first boyfriend/lover, I found myself actually defending Scarlett; as I was asked "how could she do that? Doesn't she see that he'd do that to her too?" I have to believe it's because she over-romanticized the whole thing.
Me: Why would you want to be with someone who could walk out on their newborn child (I guess I should ask myself that too). But when I really take a look, she initiated the whole thing. She started the phone sex.
Adam: It really doesn’t matter how it started because he was way into it, "I promise I'll do better next time" She did apologize for starting it, but he was completely against the apology saying, "Oh, no, I don't mind!" Anyway, it's entirely inappropriate to try to pin this on any one person or event.
Me: She sent the love letter to our house, and with his immature “gotta get me some” mentality, he didn't say no. Only when I found out did his world unravel. I filed. I kicked him out. I moved. I made him sell the house. I did everything. He was doing nothing and he is still doing nothing.
Adam: Aha, but, he is suffering through a very lousy commute to spend time with her. From her perspective, what he's doing might be just fine.
Me: I mentioned James would be to afraid to leave her now. What about her? If she didn't really think he could leave me, yet he did, might she feel that she owes it to him to be there for him? Even though she doesn't like it, would she stick it out?
Adam: She'll stick it out because she doesn't know what a great relationship is like. She doesn't know because she's too afraid to let the men in her life be autonomous. They have to be under her control, because she's too afraid things won't work out otherwise.
Me: James would never have gotten involved with anything like this except for with Scarlett.
Adam: Not true. He's built to cheat. There's no such thing as a one-time cheater.
Me: I also believe Scarlett was just looking for an out and James was there.
Adam: While you might be right about this, you cannot reduce the entire situation down to just that. She may have just used him as the out, but he was pining away for her for years. When he saw what seemed like his one and only chance, he took it.
Me: I don't really think she has fantasized about James all these years.
Adam: No, but she did keep the relationship alive and in secret. They were exchanging letters all that time and I know she used to drive over the hill from Santa Cruz to meet with him for lunch. She kept it as secret from me as she could.
Me: Until George told me a few weeks ago, I never knew they met for lunch. That is one thing I hated about the Silicon Valley compared to the town I was from. At home I could get across town in fifteen minutes. James and I worked ninety minutes away from each other. I was always felt heartbroken we could never meet for lunch. Now I know why it didn’t seem to bother him. He was meeting another woman, and he had never had a reason to hide his meetings with her unless there was a guilty intent from the start.
Scarlett has just never been without a man. She needed one to make the break and good old James was there to help out.
Adam: Because of their history and the constant relationship they kept going he did represent something special to her. Even though I'm pretty happy to be out of this relationship it doesn't mean it was all gloom and doom or that I was unhappy. It's just how many men would love to have the body of a twenty something, the income of a fifty something, the maturity (and, let's face it, the sexual know-how) of a thirty something, and with all that be placed onto the market for eligible single women? It's fantasy meets reality for me. I'm not convinced she would not have worked on the relationship had James not proved available and interested at the time that he did, coming right in the middle of serious emotional turmoil for Scarlett with my sister-in-law and the live-in situation. She fooled herself into believing the relationship they were developing so closely once we moved back to Modesto was all based around his helping her with that situation. Of course with James's historical obsession with her, he did all he could to prove interested in much more than and she took that attention at a sorely needed time and ran with it. She had a new baby, a husband that was gone two nights a week, and a sister-in-law and nephew that she had no skills to deal with living her house. She was completely vulnerable. Ironically it was a situation she designed. She's going to realize fantasy and reality don't quite mesh.
Me: You don’t need to remind me about their constant relationship. Everything she wrote after he went to college talked about how special their relationship was and how she never wanted to lose it. Every single thing! Even down to monologues she would write on the back of pictures said how much she didn’t want to lose him! Even on the back of your wedding photo.
Adam: Yet you continue to insist you had no clue, no sign trouble was brewing.
Me: I didn't have a problem with continued friendship. I didn't appreciate how disgustingly stuck on her he was. Which was clear every time he talked about her crystal blue eyes. I miss my first love too. I think everyone does, so I didn't really put much stock into it. I didn't know how stuck in the past he was.
Adam: I can't believe that. From everything you've told me, it was pretty clear to you.
Me: Obviously not or I would have done something a long time ago. I would have felt intensely threatened by the letter she sent to our house. However, I thought it was funny. I never read it. I never even pushed James about its contents. I just let it be. I felt secure enough in our marriage not be threatened. In retrospect I understand why our friend, George, so seriously asked me why I thought it was funny.
Adam: When was this? Was George in the know a lot earlier then?
Me: In November about a week after the letter arrived.
Adam: So the letter came around the time of the phone sex. I wonder if she wrote it before or after I confronted her about the whole thing. She was quite adamant there was nothing going on until I came clean about reading the e-mail. So she had already written the letter and was entirely lying, or she decided, screw it when she found out she was caught and went for broke.
Me: George knew everything from day one. He supported James in leaving me. James used him as a cover-up many times to get out of the house. When they hooked up at the Stockton show, George was my chaperone to make sure I didn’t find out they were meeting on the side. James has always been jealous of George’s sexual prowess so James bragged to him about everything they were doing. It was George who told me just how far their physical relationship had gone.
Adam: I don’t doubt James would brag, not since Tim told Scarlett (in front of me) that James said "Scarlett is the only one. She's the only one that's ever been. No one else will ever matter. This one I'm with now is just a sperm receptacle." Then Lisa broke in with something like "But this one is new. So I guess she's just sperm receptacle number two." I can't believe they told her, let alone right in front of me.
Me: So she really does care about him, but I don't think she cares enough about him to put him first, and to me that is the kind of caring you should have with your marriage partner. I think if you loved someone you would never encourage them to walk out on their newborn child. If she really cared she would not be encouraging him to fight me on our decree because she would be just as concerned that Tom was able to have a mom at home just like Chris. She would be concerned James and I have a good parenting relationship rather than provoking me. Her actions scream of selfishness and a what's in it for me attitude, not looking out for James and being concerned about him or his child. She would be encouraging James to experiment and find out what was right, rather than keeping him on a leash and not letting him out of her sight. I can see so much of what has happened since July as being totally controlled by her. She is afraid and I don't think she is afraid of losing James or afraid he won't be happy or even afraid she won't be happy. She's just afraid of being alone and starting over.
Adam: I think she's smart enough to realize she picked a jerk that could do the same thing to her that he did to you. She has to keep him under control or else he'll cheat on her too.
Me: If she keeps James on as short of a leash as you seem to think, I don’t think he will do well.
Adam: But like you said he's getting sex. He's getting the girl and nothing else much matters to him. That's where he is. That's where he'll be stuck. Life is a funny place. We chose the people in our lives because they enrich our lives and we grow together and continue to enjoy being with one another. Why does a commitment have to mean a leash and collar? Commitment is commitment. No one wants to be bound in his behavior. He has to feel he has free-will, is able to choose those things that make him happy. You're treating this as if he should come back to you because of his vows not his feelings. Just let his feelings on the subject blossom (however they might), and stop trying to guilt him back with the leash of the marriage contract.
Me: No, it's not about guilt. I don't care what decision he makes, but he needs to know how I feel before making that decision. I do want him back based on feelings. He had free will and he chose to marry me. He chose to cheat. He has the free will to go with her but he isn't signing the divorce papers! At this point I don't care what he does as long as he does something!
Adam: But you keep arguing that he should simply come back because he is married to you, like that covenant is everlasting and immutable. In the old days religions helped to push this idea about marriage (we are, after all, a bunch of self-absorbed halfwits, and sometimes it takes the fear of God to keep us on track), but few people believe in that view any more, and even fewer think it can actually work out when you are bound to stay in a relationship forever because of a decision. We should stay in relationships forever only when they continue to support us and our mutual happiness.
Me: I disagree; as his wife he should be committed to me period, end of story. That is what the license means. It is what the commitment meant; otherwise why get the piece of paper at all? You don’t get married because it makes it socially acceptable to have sex or to make other people happy. Getting married means you are making a promise to that person and to God in front of the whole world that you will commit to that one person for your whole life, regardless what happens to you in that life. Unless you are in an abusive situation, you simply have to make the decision to follow through on your commitments. I believe the covenant is everlasting. It was what I was raised to believe.
Adam: I realize you were raised that way, so was I. But if all you do is sit back and tell him he needs to live by his commitments and do what he agreed to it will seem like a nasty prison he's being forced to return to. There's no way he'll chose that and even if he did it will be solely out of guilt rather than love. You don't want that.
Me: No, I don't want that, but I don't think of it as a nasty prison. What we had was good. If I did think it would be a prison for him, I wouldn't be fighting to bring him back and in his heart he knows it was good too.
Adam: He will see it as a prison. We live in a world where most people don't seem to have ethics or morals. You’ll either end up alone but self-righteous, or you adapt and live with what you can. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who lived her life so rigidly by such all-consuming rules. I looked hard at myself and realized I couldn't be that way either or I'd only attract people I didn't want, so I let go of such rigid thinking; decided to accept a lot more about people and their humanity, rather than being so judgmental and stipulating. It's made me a lot happier and less disappointed with people.
Me: Why would having such high standards leave me alone? It would seem you would attract other people who are like you with high standards and ethics! Just because you have morals and ethics it makes you judgmental. They are separate issues. Yes, I have judged James but it’s because he is my spouse and I hold him to a higher standard because he is my family not because I feel like I am a better person or have better standards than him. I don't care what anybody else does or what anyone else’s standards are unless they are my family or until it directly effects my life or my family's. I made a commitment and through my integrity I plan to uphold that commitment. I expect the people around me to have the same integrity as I do.
Adam: I'm talking about not being rigid. I'm not saying you should be a doormat. If you draw a line in the sand and demand that James cross it or not, else you won't accept him you're creating a problem for yourself not him.
Me: What's the difference between not being a doormat and being rigid?
Adam: There's a balance. Accepting his affair without forgiveness and restitution is a doormat. Saying if he does this or that, or doesn't do this or that or it's over forever, that's too rigid.
Me: My old psychologist said to think about the lesson you want to teach your child. Do you want to teach your son that it is okay to cheat and lie? Forgiveness is one thing, but tolerance and acceptance are another. I can forgive without having to accept or tolerate a behavior.
Adam: You can either condemn what he did, and label him an unredeemable sinner or you can try to work on him at his level which means no guilt trips or judgments. Leave the judging to the Almighty. Try to bring him into the fold by appealing to the goodness of his heart rather than a rigid rule set. Don't give up your values to do it, but don't look like you won't be accepting of some of his faults to achieve what you want. If you've decided you simply can't accept, forgive, or work past a great number of his problems without some major compromise you might as well give up because it will take a lot of giving on your part to make this thing work.
Me: Exactly! It is more than I want to give! I value the covenant of marriage above all else. I can forgive and work through anything else but the destruction of that!
Adam: I'm sorry that it's so important to you. I don't see James living up to that standard. I just don't. I hope you'll accept that if it turns out to be true. He's a weak person, less than you. Pray he finds the help he needs to be a human being. Few people believe in that view you have any more.
Me: I have a different set of standards, I guess. James didn't have a different set of beliefs when we got married.
Adam: Obviously, he did. He thought marriage was important “unless and until” the love of his life became interested in him and/or available to him. That little proviso in his head was kept alive and when it happened he dumped all else in favor of it.
Me: At Least I thought we believed the same things; that was why I married him! Things have changed apparently so it is possible that we will never be together again. I really don't think he thought, “unless and until” going in. He thought he would settle for me because she would never be available.
Adam: How funny then, that I did settle for her and here she was the Holy Grail he wanted. And now, the fantasy doesn't match the reality. There was a girl Kim who wooed me away from my serious relationship years ago and I found out the fantasy did not match the reality when it came to her too. Then Scarlett insisted I be with her exclusively, and since the fantasy wasn't working out and she seemed a solid match and since I'd dumped Kim I went ahead with it. It didn't hurt that I was allowed to live in her mother's house rent free while I went to school. Then her father cosigned on my truck, and her mother stopped living in the house and we treated it as if it were our own. The sex wasn't perfect, and we argued almost as much as I had with my ex-girlfriend. My sister, mother and father didn't like Scarlett much (the latter made the mistake of making his feelings clear and was then ostracized from my life by her intervention for years). I was always haunted by the fact that I had settled for less than I deserved in a relationship.
Me: I never felt I settled, but I always wondered if there was more. Of course now everyone says I can do much better. Now I can step back and really see how he treated me, I tend to agree that I can do better, not that I think what I had was bad, but life sure could be better. It has been amazing to me how many people have told me how much they didn’t like him or how they thought he was wrong for me. Why couldn’t they have stepped up and told me that before we got married? Maybe it would have a least made me stop and think.
Adam: I totally understand and empathize with what you're saying. Scarlett and I could have been made to work, but I'd most likely be a lot less comfortable with myself and now I am ecstatically happy with the direction my life is going. There is more out there than a broken relationship and while it's not the choice I would have taken, it has been thrust upon me and I won't let that stop me from jumping in head-first! But still... We had a very long term relationship and learned to tolerate one another. The sex never really improved, but it was my only true complaint when it came time for her to ultimatum the wedding.
Me: What? She forces you to marry her and the she does this?
Adam: Yep. It was "we had better be engaged by the end of the year, or I'll be moving on with my life.” So I succumbed. I later convinced myself I was very happy with that decision. Looking back it seems clear to me that had she walked I think James would have been her first phone call.
Me: By then we were already married. If he was that important why didn't she try to do something before we got married?
Adam: I made more money. She had a lot invested in me. She had momentum going with me too. Besides she's has a beautiful son now and no one can take that away from her. She figures she can continue to take my money and live the fantasy. She hangs out all day with wives of Modesto doctor's posing as someone with class as if she belongs among them. She thought she had what she wanted with me but as I continued to live my own life and not remain completely wrapped up in hers (which she believes she needs in a mate), she eventually gave up on training me. But we married and had the most wonderful son, but fate has a way of intervening. I don't know what possessed Scarlett to do what she did but in the end the path I was cast upon was the one I was meant to take. My point in all this is simple: we end up where we're meant to be, no matter how blind we are to the truth, how ignorant we are of the facts, or how dedicated we might be to making a broken situation work out. In the end, we end up where fate or God or whatever destiny it is that guides us wants us. Your heart knows what you need and what it can stand. If there's one thing God gave us, more of than any of us really needs, it's time, and as long as you don't go launching nuclear devices at people or run off your mouth to completely destroy all your credibility, then time is always on your side. Patience is your only stumbling block.