Book Two - I Will Survive - Chapter 1: Free Falling

Free Falling…
I was seven months pregnant with my first child when my husband of six years told me he was leaving me. There were no warning signs. I didn’t see it coming. Our relationship had not been in trouble. I had no idea he was unhappy and then he was gone. He wanted to return to his high school sweetheart, so he got up one morning and left.
7/2/ 00
The only thing I can do to keep my sanity is to sit here and write while my husband, the father of my first born child moves out of my life forever.
I really want to die. It is not the first time I have thought of killing myself. However, for the first time in my life I have considered purchasing a gun. They say that the only reason men are more successful at suicide is because of the method they choose to accomplish it. Besides guns I have thought of pills, knives and asphyxiation. I really want to do it now. Now. Now. Now! The only thing that keeps me from doing it is the child I have growing inside me. James thinks I don't care about this child, but I do. It is the only thing keeping me alive. In my mind I only have to wait eight more weeks until the baby is born before I can carry out my destructive plans. My life has served no purpose and has come to no positive outcome. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My head hangs in shame and defeat. I have absolutely no desire to go on. What’s the point? The only reason I am writing this now is so that when my son grows up he will know why I made the choices I made. Some people can never understand why I would consider this decision, but I have battled my whole life for the desire to want to live. Until now James has been the only positive thing in my life. I don't have the strength to hold myself up alone. I have lived all but the last few months of my life never knowing my biological mother, living instead, as the daughter of an alcoholic single mother. Would my life had been different if I hadn’t been adopted? Or is it just my lot in life to suffer? All of the major things that have happened in my life have been imposed upon me, nothing has ever been my choice. Until now I have barely survived. Besides, it doesn’t matter if I live to be a mother, from what I understand James has quick plans to move in with Scarlett. If this really is the case than already my son will have more advantage than I ever had or could ever give him as a single parent.
7/5/00
My first reaction was to cry out over and over, "How can you do this to me? How can you do this to your son? How can you do this?" I truly don't know how he can. I hope he can explain it to me.
Has he thought about what this is going to do to his life? Where is he going to live until the house sells? It could be months. After the house sells and I have custody and he’s paying child support/alimony does he think he could afford to live in the Bay Area by himself. If he can't, he would have to quit his job, move, and find a new job. Is he prepared to do that? Happily? He can’t handle that much effort and change. He’ll never be able to really do it.
I hope he told his family the truth. I hope to God he didn’t create a picture of me being this horrible wife that made him suffer. In his heart he would know that wasn’t truth. I hope he took responsibility for his own feelings. It makes me very angry that his family hasn’t told him to get back home and try to work it out with me. If they did tell him that, then why didn’t he listen? He is being very selfish and isn't thinking about the responsibility he has for the child he is bringing into the world. What a good father to choose not to be a part of his life -- to choose child support over him. I feel like I am a sixteen-year-old who had unprotected sex and as soon as the guy found out I was pregnant, bolted.
Now is not the time to decide to leave. A year from now, I might agree with him, but not now. Seven months ago I was willing to let him walk out, but I can’t let him leave me with a newborn infant. He at least ought to see what it is like to be a real family a while.
When he told me he would come home, I worked hard on what I wanted to say and how I wanted to try and connect with him. I got dressed up, did my hair and nails. I planned a picnic dinner we could eat while watching fireworks. I had envisioned the night ending with a commitment to at least try. I sat waiting by the door for hours. Now all hope is gone and I feel foolish. I want to beat him to a bloody pulp, but more of me wants to hold on to him forever. I still love him and I do still want to hold him. When he walked through the door I would have gone straight to him and asked for a hug and held on. Yet, I am afraid he will hurt me so bad that I will feel the same way about him that I do about my mother and I do not want that to happen.
He doesn't want to talk about anything because he’s made up his mind, but I am not going to leave him alone. I won’t make it easy for him to back out. He shouldn’t have it easy. He should know every ounce of pain I feel. How my wrists are burning to be cut. It feels like I am on an inflatable inner tube with a hole in it, in the middle of the ocean in the middle of the "Perfect Storm.”
He was the only person in the world who has ever made me feel completely secure and happy. The only person who loved me despite of my problems. The only one who truly knew me. Now I have no one. No one to turn to, not even back home. The next two months being alone every night will be a living hell for me. After the advice I received I was convinced that it is time for me to do the leaving, and that I should do it as soon as possible. I was prepared to go home in two weeks. However in a moment of clarity I checked on medical coverage and under no circumstances will they cover the birth if I go back home since it is out of state, so unfortunately I have to stay. Unless things change I informed my father I will be going back to live with him a few days after the baby is born. If I leave now I would lose all my medical coverage and I can’t afford to cover the cost of the birth by myself. I feel powerless. It feels like being in a pitch dark cave surrounded by heavy smoke. You can't breath and you can't find you way out. It makes me want to cry and run away as far as I can.
Now that he has made up his mind to leave, I wonder if it changes the way he looks at me? Will it change the way he interacts with me? Will he be even colder?
7/7/00
I am so afraid of being a single mother. More than anything I want us to raise this child together. It is really hard for me not to see his leaving as the end of the world. I feel like a failure. I’m ashamed to face my family and friends. I don't like any of the options that lay ahead of me.
James has taken any sense of family or love away from me and I guess that is why I wanted to give this child to him. He is completely responsible for this child being created and by leaving me he is neglecting his responsibility. By giving the baby to him, it is my way of forcing responsibility on to him, because it seems to me he isn't willing to deal with it. He will deny that, but I know he hasn’t stopped to think what it would be like to raise this child alone even if it's just a few months. I really don't think the work and the sacrifice and how it would effect his life has really sunk in. Would he take time off work? How would he handle childcare especially if he doesn't think someone else should raise his child? If he did work how would he make it without being able to sleep during the night? Maybe the reason he is freaking out now is because he is afraid of parenthood. He was so afraid we would turn out like his parents. The reality is that right now we are much better off than his parents ever were. Even now James says he love me and I feel we have a mature love that many relationships strive for.
James is looking for the kind of love that only exists in movies and fantasies. I know he would deny that too because he thinks he has that kind of love with Scarlett. Then why isn't she with him today? Creating a new relationship is hard work. Does she not love him enough to want to do that work? Otherwise wouldn't she have already have left Adam? It didn't take James that long to decide to leave me. I am here fighting tooth and nail to show him I want to work things out and I feel he is counting so much on that movie fantasy that he has already given up. In the movies the spark never dies, but in real life it does fade. It will with Scarlett too, once he lives day to day doing the chores, paying the bills, and shoveling cheerios. I just want to scream, "when are you going to wake up and realize that!" But he wants that spark so much that he isn't listening. He knows what we have really is good and that's what is making this difficult for him to leave. He knows he has a good sure thing with me. Leaving me before she has left her husband is a risk, and he’s too afraid to walk out the door. I know both of us have let apathy settle in and that is why the spark isn't there. Looking backward I can see the decline in myself. There are things that if I had chance I could fix or restore to make things better. We knew some of them in January, but because of the pregnancy I couldn't change them. It doesn't seem to matter now since he couldn't stay with me to see the pregnancy through. I believe I settled for living in the difficult lifestyle of the Silicon Valley. I settled for not having any friends or a social life. I settled for a career that I don't completely enjoy. I mistreated myself by not being able to control my weight. I lost sight of my family values, which are very important to me. I have completely lost sight of who I was seven years ago. I thought giving up things was just a part of our relationship. If I had spark in my life maybe I would have more spark to share with him.
As much as I don’t want to admit this, when he said maybe we should try again hoping that he could find the spark I didn’t think it could happen. I don’t know if sparks can be re-created. When I asked him if his feelings had changed because I am the mother of his son, I wanted to know if it created a spark. If anything could create it, I would assume that bond would help create it. If those feelings haven’t come to him by now there is a slim chance it will miraculously happen when the baby is actually born.
Essentially the last thing I wrote to James was a suicide note. He had no reaction to it at all. He hasn't even mentioned it to me. You shouldn’t ignore someone when they are crying out for help. When Scarlett came home and found Adam trying to hang himself in the garage, she didn't let him get way with it. She made sure people followed up on him, even if it wasn’t her.
My family has talked to me and pointed out some things and I might reconsider how I feel about the custody thing. I hadn’t really stopped to see past the birth of our child. All I see is the hurt of now. I haven't thought long term. I can hardly think any further than five minutes into the future. I haven't thought of what would be the best for Tom long term.
If I were to live, I would regret not being able to raise my son. I could never live with the daily heartbreak of giving up my son. Not knowing what he was doing, sharing the joys and sorrows in his life, not being there when he needed me. What was I thinking?
I wonder how that will make James feel? Will it make him rethink anything? It means I will live in another state and he will only see his son a few times a year. I don't think a court can compel me to live here. How would he feel about the fact the Tom wouldn't have a father? How would he feel about only seeing his son once or twice a year? What kind of relationship does he want? If he is concerned about the quality of his son's life if he were to grow up in a house with us together, imagine how it would be to grow up in a house with no father. Until he is five or six, he couldn't travel on a plane alone. That would mean the only time he would see his son for the most formative years of his life -- would be when he came to visit and how often could that realistically be? By the time Tom was old enough to visit him, Tom wouldn't know who he was. Imagine how traumatizing that would be. I used to get shipped off to my father every summer. Does he know what that does to friendships for a small kid -- they don't get to do anything with their close school friends. Then you have to go to your summer time friends and try to force yourself into their school year cliques -- meanwhile back home, your friends are growing further apart from you because they have gotten closer to each other through experiences you haven't shared. He has never lived being shipped from home to home. He hasn’t had sibling relationships forced on him then ripped away. He hasn’t had to go intrude into someone else’s home and room three months of every year. Sleeping on someone else’s bed, playing with someone else’s toys because there is only so much you can pack in a suitcase. He hasn’t had to deal with all the awkward, uncomfortable times at graduations, weddings and holidays when each parent is vying for attention and wants something their way. I have, I lived it. I wish he would listen to my experience! It feels like I have been bound and gagged and I am mumbling through duct tape on my mouth.
7/8/00
It's really hard for me to stay focused on what I am supposed to be doing, and I have no desire to continue with my daily tasks -- going to work, keeping up the house.
I have an incredibly strong desires to go through the house destroying everything. The only thing holding me back is knowing that financially speaking, I will need the things in this house when I am alone.
Spending the afternoon listening to the garage door open next door and each time hoping it will be him. Hoping he will come home to say he’s sorry, he loves me, and he wants to work this out. Alas, with everything he doesn't do, it becomes clearer to me just how much he doesn't love me and how truly far apart we are. It hurts. I bet while he is at work that barely a fleeting thought of me has crossed his mind.
7/10/00
I couldn’t take the tension last night so I left. I didn’t say anything I just walked out the door. He didn't try to follow me or find me. He didn't call anyone. He didn't try my cell phone. Nothing. He had no idea where I was and he made no attempt to find out. I could have been dead for all he knew. When I confronted him about it, he so thoughtlessly responded by saying, “Well you said you wanted to leave, so I knew you might be gone. I didn't know I was supposed to try and find you.” He wasn't “supposed” to do anything. He was supposed to want to care enough about me and his unborn child to find out without being prompted.
When I came home he didn't turn off the television. He didn't come over to greet me; he didn’t he even act surprised that I was home. He just sat there. When I came down stairs the next morning, there was nothing there. In my heart I was hoping for a small note of some kind.
This morning I went through his box of old letters from Scarlett. The letters were insightful. I realized I have no idea who I am married to. It explains why when we got married the only thing he could say in his vows was "I love you. You are my best friend." No matter how much time has past he still considers her to be his best friend, not me. I am nothing. The letters made me understand that he never did love me. It makes me wonder why he ever came to Utah, and why he ever proposed. It makes sense why he never discussed marrying me with anyone before he proposed. He did not really want to ask me. He knew he could be easily talked out of it. He settled for me since he could not have her. The one moment that has meant so much to me in our relationship had nothing to do with me. The day I found him listening to Styx he wasn’t sad about me. It was reminding him of her all over again. That was his break-up song for her too. It was not special or specific to me, and to think I bought into that event as a pivotal moment in our lives!

Random letters written by Scarlet with no real context behind them. The first one was written four years after they had broken up, and in my opinion shows their warped relationship:
2/12/90
I wish there were something I could do to help you with your girlfriend. Deep down inside you realize there will never be a love like we shared. We were each others first love. When I met Adam I realized he was a completely different person and our relationship was going to be different. My feelings for you will never change. I still think we have very special feelings for one another. Sometimes that also causes problems for us in our current relationships - at least it does for me.

Four years to the date before James and I got married and the Mormon being referred to isn’t me. It was a different girl he sort of had a crush on. I didn’t meet James until 1992.
6/24/90
Thrashing on Mormonism? You're mean! Especially when she is a pretty cute twenty-year-old and she supposedly has the prettiest blue eyes you have ever seen. Too bad you're not willing to get over her Mormonism. Could be she is the one and you may never know. Think about it.
And then there is your last girlfriend, Kelli, you just wanted some companionship and Kelli just took the bull by the horns. You are too pessimistic and down on yourself and that puts you in a relationship where the girl you are with becomes dominating. (Hum does this seem familiar?)
Adam feels threatened by you. He can't get over it at this point, so I'm not going to push him. You and I are good friends, friends who tell each just about anything. It is a relationship I wouldn't ever want to be betrayed because I care for you too much. I hope our relationship lasts forever.
Affairs in general are not a good idea but from your definition, I could be having an affair with you. I love you and I love spending time talking with you. You can be in love with somebody, never want to leave them, yet want to be with someone else and not want to be committed to them.
Love Always,
Scarlett
How prophetic she was!
7/13/00
Where does he get off thinking he knows how I feel? How does he know what I think – whether I am happy or not or if I would be happier with someone else? He has no right to decide these things. He is wrong! I wouldn’t be happier with someone else. I am happy here and now. I have everything I wanted.
However, I will not sit by and be played while he waits around for Scarlett to figure out what she wants. I will not be second choice again. So he wins. He doesn’t have to be the bad guy. I will do it for him. I’ll make the decision for everyone because I cannot continue to go back and forth.
7/15/00
Why is it when you are depressed every song seems like it speaks directly to you? I got in the car today to run errands and I thought maybe, just maybe, he had planned for me to hear the song cued up in the CD player, track five from a Dire Straits album:
“Baby I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby I'll wipe away those bitter tears
I'll chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into grey

Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now”
I played it over and over and cried the entire time, wishing from every fiber in my body that he was saying to me.
Later when we got in the car together the CD started on track six and we just kept listening. After a few songs he pulled out the CD case and picked a new CD. We never listened to track five. It was evident it had no special meaning intended for me. However, he pulled the CD out after other painfully hurtful lyrics that I had never paid attention to until today:
“I'm tired of being in love and being all alone
When you're so far away from me
I'm tired of making out on the telephone
because you're so far away from me.”
Knowing he is ruining my life and causing me pain, he should pay a little more attention to the music selections he picks when I know he reads the lyrics into his feelings besides the fact I was trying to sleep. He completely ignored that minor detail and instead put on Queen’s Greatest Hits. It made me sick.
I’m not sure how I could tell the difference from being sick due to the pregnancy or being sick just from being around him. I've felt sick ever since he told me he was leaving. Sitting next to him now, makes me sick. I don’t like the music. I don’t like the jerky stops in the car; and I don’t like the constant drumming with his hands. I hate the way he keeps looking at me. Why does he look at me? What does expect to see? What I don’t understand is why I went to the show with him at all. I asked him last night what he wanted from me and he said he wanted us to go to the performance together. I don’t understand why. We’ve been on the road for over an hour and he hasn’t spoken one word to me. Is it just his selfishness again? He didn’t want to put wear and tear on two cars? Does he think I cannot take care of myself?
As we drove along, I thought there is a possibility soon I will never have to look at this dried, ugly, dead stretch of congested freeway ever again.
I remember one of the first times that we drove together on this road. We were going over the pass to get to his sister’s wedding. We had to pull over awhile to let his beat up car cool down. When we first met, I remember how comfortable I was being with him in that car. It was so natural, like I had known him forever. It felt so secure. I remember consciously thinking what an odd natural feeling that was. Funny how things can change.
7/20/00
Looking back at our relationship, we never cultivated feelings of love. I feel I tried multiple times. I was always pulling teeth to get him to share his feelings about anything. James was just happy to get attention. When he got sex that first night together it became the basis of our relationship. To this day all he has for me is lust. I don’t even think when he says he cares about me he really means it that way. Like any man, his world revolves around sex, and the biggest memory he has of Scarlett is how much they used to do it. The only reason I think sex is such a big issue with us is because that is the only reason he allowed himself to be with me to begin with. He never had love for me, just sex.
I question why I am fighting and what I am fighting for. The more I hear him, the more I believe it is a losing battle. He told me if he left his only concern would be that we’d part as friends. So why am I still fighting? I just can’t see things in shades of gray, it is either black or white. If he wants this child and me the choice should be easy and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. He can’t face his own answer. I am about ready to walk out on him to force him to face the reality instead of living in this dream world where he gets us both. The spiteful part of me hopes that he finds all the things I have been saying about this dream world he expects to find are exactly what I’ve been telling him, a dream! The grass really isn’t greener on the other side. There is nothing I can do to overcome the comparisons he is making between she and I, so why should I try. I mean, really, how could I change the color of my eyes. Sure I could try to lose weight and be nicer, but there is nothing I can do about the color of my eyes.
It also breaks my heart to think this means this child was not created out of love. He will deny this and say, “at the time I loved you.” But it just simply isn’t true. . Why couldn’t he have been honest with me? Why couldn’t he tell me our relationship was still on trial? There was no love. It was all just a big mistake and that is why he feels trapped. Does he really think I would have let myself get pregnant if I knew our relationship was on trial?
More than anything I wish I could see even a little bit of fight in him. A little bit of fear. A little bit of wanting me. He says he has been in this big indecisive mess because a little bit of him does want me, but other than him saying that there has been no evidence to really show it. Being indecisive means nothing. He is being indecisive not because he loves me but because leaving me is too risky for him. He is waiting for Scarlett to leave her husband first, and he doesn’t want to find himself with nothing if she doesn’t follow through. He doesn’t want to look like the bad guy and he doesn’t want to be left with nothing if she doesn’t follow through.
I am tired of getting hit in the face with his insincerity and inaction. I am getting tired of feeling bad about myself because of how he is treating me. I have a right to be loved and feel all those wonderful feelings he wants too. If this keeps going I won’t be able to stay around. One day he’ll wake up and I’ll be gone. But he won’t care because then he can move on without the guilt of having been the one to leave.
He is dragging me down. I can't be strong for both of us. The more I think about it, the more I think this is all backwards. I am fighting tooth and nail for him and I have done nothing wrong. He needs to be the one that comes crawling and begging back to me. He should be begging that I accept him back into my life -- not the other way around.
Pain does make me stronger, and I may become strong enough to push him away.

7/25/00
I had known for a long time that we had album labeled Whitesnake in our CD collection. I have never had a desire to listen it. However, today I found it in the car. When I saw it, I knew immediately it was not really a Whitensake album. Whitesnake isn’t really the kind of music he would listen to now. He wants the sappy love songs that represent all his repressed feelings. He labeled it Whitesnake because knew I would never listen to it. Right there on the inside cover was the track list:
1. You Are the One by Mike and the Mechanics
2. One More Night by Phil Collins
3. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel
4. Remember the Feeling by Chicago
5. That was Yesterday by Foreigner
6. Same Old Lang Syne by George Folgelbug
7. I know Your Out There Somewhere by Moody Blues
8. These Dreams by Heart
9. Hold On My Heart by Genesis
10. Blue Eyes by Elton John
11. Find A Way to My Heart by Phil Collins
12. Your Wildest Dreams by Moody Blues
13. Can't Turn Back the Years by Phil Collins
If only he truly believed that we can't turn back the years!
I cannot begin to tell you how painful these lyrics were to me. He might as well have gotten a gun and shot me dead himself.
I listened to the first seven tracks. It told me more about his feelings than he ever had. It was the most painful thing I have ever done to myself. I know he never intended for me to listen to it, but as he was making it how could he think it would never hurt me?
Just thinking he actually took the time to make it hurts. I have to wonder when he made it because I know we have had it for quite a while. I wonder if she got a copy of it too? Was this how they sent messages to each other through the lyrics of the music? How infantile! That is what kids do in junior high.
That is the difference between us. I never allowed myself to let my feelings have any kind of voice, because I knew it would make it worse. Instead, he gave his feelings a voice by making this CD and then listening to it over and over wallowing and reminding himself how sad he is without her rather than focusing on any positives or on us and trying to make us work. If he wants to try and make us work this CD needs to be destroyed. Yesterday was our sixth wedding anniversary. I was hoping he would spend the day thinking about us and being concerned about us. Instead he was listening to that CD and thinking about her. Each song feels like a missile aimed directly at me. I don't know how he could sit down and make that let alone keep it in the house and not think about how much pain it would cause me. As he recorded every song, he should have been thinking about what the mere act of recording it was doing to our relationship.
One reason my mind changed two years ago after talking with Eric is because I thought James loved me. Before his mission Eric broke my heart. I remembered how that felt. I cried myself to sleep for months after Eric left before I could accept that he was gone. Therefore, I knew how valuable a person’s love really is. I didn't want to cause James that kind of pain. I would never wish the pain of a broken heart on anyone. Yet James has never tried to suppress the feelings he has for her for the sake of us because he never wanted to. This CD is evidence that he enjoyed wallowing in the misery of being without her. How did I ever have a chance to try to be the one for him and fill that spot in his heart? The spot had always been filled. We have both pushed each other away because of our feelings for our first loves. We didn't come to each other or discuss it with each other at the times when we really needed each other the most.

7/28/00
In an effort to save things I found a marriage counseling retreat weekend for couples with troubled marriages. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t see the point but I forced him to go. It was the most painful two days we’ve experienced together so far. Looking inside yourself and facing the truth can really hurt.
I find it ironic that there was a wedding going on in the building when we arrived. It hurt me to see the bride and groom cuddling each other as they walked out of the room. A year form now it could be him and Scarlett. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want him to see that it hurts that much.
This whole thing feels like someone who has never been on a roller coaster and you are terrified to get on, but you are shoved into the seat. You are racked with fear as each click of the track goes by. You have no control and you have no idea what to expect and you think you are going to die. Then it begins to drop. You hang on tight and scream your lungs out. Then it’s over. No matter how much screaming you did you couldn’t stop it.
I thought we were real with each other. We were always honest. (Oh how blind I was!) I thought we knew everything about each other and that I didn't have to hide anything from him. I could just be me and that was okay. I thought he was my best friend and my best support system. I liked what I thought was us. It shatters my reality to think that everything isn't what I thought it was.
I hope he sees that the way to forgive himself is to make things right with me. However, I am sure he is thinking his mistake was not lying and cheating on me but choosing me to begin with and the way to forgive himself is to move on, away from me.
Part of me thinks that compassion and happiness will come with the birth of this child because I really believed it was going to complete us as a family. But I don't know if I can be as happy as I thought I was going to be. I have become very bitter about this child because he represents nothing but pain and punishment.
I have always tried to earn James’s love, but it has not ever been recognized by him. I tried very hard to make sure everything was always taken care of around the house and that fun activities were planned for us to do together on the weekends. Even though I worked full time, I tried to do the cooking and cleaning and little things like shopping before he got home from work so we could spend time together. I thought he could see what I felt by what I did.
I am not letting go easily and I live everyday in this confusing pain. I am punishing myself by not letting go.
I haven't valued our relationship and because of that I am losing it. It makes me feel horrible about myself because I didn't realize it. I don't like not being able to control what happens in my life and now I feel very insecure.
Its like the Simpson’s episode where Lisa yells at Ralph on Valentines and Bart shows her the video and he says, "You can actually see when his heart breaks." The pain is my heart being torn into shreds everyday.
To find out you are a failure and that your life wasn't what you thought it was, that you have been living a lie, that your existence causes someone else pain, that you have never once been loved by your life partner, that you have always been nothing and that your child is nothing more than a mistake, that everything that you had worked for in your life was crumpling around you -- the only way to describe it is painful. It feels like someone cut a hole in body and took out my heart while I was still conscious and breathing, then sat there and laughed at me while they were doing it because I was the fool who let it happen.
I feel foolish for believing and trusting him. I feel stupid for allowing myself to be continually hurt. I was standing on the top of a twenty story building and then there was an earthquake and I somehow was buried alive in the rubble in the basement. I am trapped, and I am hurt and there is no way I can possibly survive. I am terrified that I have to face motherhood alone, to completely raise a child by myself. I know my child is being deprived of the best life possible and I am sad because I know it will take me a long time to look at my son with complete joy in my heart.
The time James and I spend together now is valuable. He is only staying around now to help me through the birth, so with the time I have I hope I can change his mind about leaving. I want to have a deeper connection with him and I don't think that happens when we just watch TV for hours. I see our lack of quality time as a direct statement of how he feels about me. It seems we have different opinions about what quality time is. The messages he has sent says that he doesn't value time with me. This translates into "I don't care about you." Looking back I have expected a double standard by working hard I made myself inaccessible or over tired, but then he never complained. He never came to me asking for more attention, time, sex or anything. When I would ask him to come home earlier or go out with me on the weekend he would always complain, so when I was tired or working I figured that he didn't care because at least I wasn't bugging him to spend time with me and he could sit around without being bothered. I thought that was what he wanted and that was what made him happy. Unfortunately, I think this is what created the downward spiral that pushed us away from each other. I would love to be there for him, share with him and create great memories together, but our approach has been different and I don't think he has ever wanted to let me in. I thought that was just how he was that it was all part of his personality. Now I know that there was apart of him that I never even knew. A part that he saved in reserve only for her.
Knowing he is leaving and he doesn’t love me, but he is still in my house makes this aspect of quality time something I grapple with everyday. Now that all of this has happened how do I treat him when he comes home? What do I ask or not ask him to do? Do I go to his softball games? Does he care if I go? Do I leave him downstairs by himself? Do I try to make up for lost time? Is there anything we can do besides watch TV?
I It feels useless because you know nothing you do will matter. It is like trying to drain all an alcoholics beer or crushing a smoker’s cigarettes. They will just go out and buy more.
I feel horrible at not being able to really hear what he was trying to say (although he said it through silence!) It makes me feel selfish and self centered. Those feelings do not make me proud of my myself. It makes me sad I was not able to validate him, help him, or make him feel good about himself. My blindness and resulting failure makes me feel like I walk around like Pigpen in the Snoopy cartoon covered with dirt with everyone pointing and staring at me.
I have never kept any of my feelings about his cheating away from him. At times I have been very rash in judgment and harsh with my words and because of that I am afraid what I said has pushed him away further, but nonetheless I have done it and it makes me feel very insecure. It feels like I am at the bottom of a well and there is no way out and nothing to hold to and the top of the well is so far away that the circle of light is the diameter of a pencil. It is raining outside and even though the hole is so small I am getting pelted with nowhere to run for cover. Me against the world, a battle I can't win.
During the marriage retreat they played the song “The Rose.”
“Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves a soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you its only seed
It’s the heart afraid of breaking, that never learned to live
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give
It's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live
When the night has been to lonely and the road had been to long
When you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose.”

As it played I was sitting next to him bawling. Even though that was the song his father sang at our wedding, he was still sitting right next to me thinking of her. They are like the rose who's seed is finally blooming after a long winter. I bet he never even considered it could be us, that we could survive this and become the rose on the other side.
When he hears the fist two lines, I bet he thinks it describes his relationship with me, and the third line describes how he feels for Scarlett.
The second verse describes our relationship in the past. The fourth line explains it the most clearly. He was afraid that if he stayed with me that his soul would die, but the second part of that line is than you never learned to live. I don't think he gave us a fair chance. He never tried to learn to live with us. He could not seem to give. He didn't take a chance to make things better, by learning to live with me.
We could be everything he wants us to be. We could have become a rose, if I'd have only known…
I feel like a car skidding out of control on the ice. I wish I felt almost anything except for the pain that I feel now. I wish…I wish…I wish… I wish I felt loved. I wish I felt optimistic. I wish we could start over and be happy. I wish a lot of things, but I can’t even wish anymore. I feel like a piece of trash, a vegetable that has been shut up in the fridge for so many months it can't be recognized anymore. It is so awful and smelly that someone has to put on plastic gloves and hold their nose to take it out to the dump.
8/1/00
I learned the truth today. Up until this point I never thought they had done anything but talk. I guess I am just too naive.
He is the biggest freaking liar and cheating bastard I have ever known. I never thought I would be treated like this. Not only have I found out they had sex together, but that they have recently had plenty of phone and cyber sex too. He had the nerve to discuss our sex life with her, saying how frigid I was. He had the nerve to keep ongoing communication with her through email on our home computer while I was sleeping in the next room. Until today I didn't view their relationship as an actual affair. I was under the impression he was being mature and making these decisions before they had been physically involved. I still trusted him and he has continually lied to my face. Not only did he send her music but she sent some to him. What did they think they were doing? Did they think were innocent? Leading a double life is cheating. This is the truth I know!
Did he not think about the fact that what he was doing was wrong, immoral, and would cause the destruction of our marriage? Did he not think it would hurt me? Did he think I wouldn't find out the truth? If he didn't want to hurt me, what did he think he was doing. Unless he comes crawling back to me tonight, he will have papers served before this child is born.
"I care about you. I don't want to hurt you,” he says. What a lying bastard. I hope he looks at himself in the mirror everyday for the rest of his life and remembers how he destroyed my life and the life of his first born son. I hope his next wife realizes that marriage vows don't mean anything to him!
What is even more painful is that our anniversary is on Monday. Not only does he leave me when I am pregnant, but he does it days before our anniversary. A day that could have been happy and joyful, a day we could have been focused on our new son and working together to bring him into the world. It could have been a wonderful day.
8/5/00
I was standing doing the dishes getting upset. I am al most forty weeks pregnant why am I doing dishes at ten o'clock at night while he sits and watches television? I know why I do it and it is demented. I do it so I won't have to nag him. He should have been my knight in shining armor. At forty weeks pregnant, he should be waiting on me hand and foot concerned about my welfare. Normally he always did the dishes, but now when I need him the most, he just sits there. But because I am too uncomfortable to just sit next to him, I get up and do them. It would be my dream that he would not ask me if I need help, he would just step in and take care of me when I needed him. But under these circumstances, if he asked if I needed help I would never admit it. I need him more than ever, but I won't ask for help now, not ever!
Every time he asks me, "How are you feeling?" I have to keep myself in check. Under these circumstances I would not tell him anything about how I feel unless I thought I would have to go to the hospital, but that does not mean I am fine. I do not want sympathy or support from someone who does not love me, and I am not going to allow someone who has made it so obvious they don't care about me to feel better about themselves by allowing them to take care of me. Truly I am always feeling crappy, but he doesn't seem to notice.
What makes it worse, his interest in how I am doing is greater than it has ever been in our lives. During the fist trimester when I was sick and tired and crying at night because he was not home, why could not I have had attention then? Oh yeah, because he was out screwing another woman! But now after he has decided he is leaving me, it is just a matter of time, now he suddenly cares about how I am doing? It doesn't make any sense.
We are living on the surface, just like we did nine months ago, except for now we are sleeping in different rooms. I hate it. I don't know how to behave. What we are doing everyday is not helping anything. I can see so much I feel, so much I would like to do, so much that could make things better, but as long as he is just here until the baby is born, I won't do all the things I really want to do. I won't show him all the love I really want to. I wont hurt myself now by hanging on to someone who doesn't care for me.
Knowing all this makes it very hard for me to be nice to him everyday. He probably can't see it, but after the load he has dumped on me, I am extremely compassionate. Supposedly, she is so much more compassionate than I am, but what does he think she would do if she were in my shoes? I doubt there are many women in the world who could have listened to the things he has said to me and still allowed him to have lived in their house. What if Adam had said all this to her at eight month pregnant, how forgiving does he think she would be?
It is nice to have a backrub when I feel sick or to have someone to take out the trash, but I could take the trash out myself, and frankly sometimes the backrubs aren't worth it emotionally because knowing he loves someone else and that he is leaving me for her can make every single touch feels like pins sticking in my body. Frankly, I can't say the benefits outweigh the pain, but I have done my best to behave naturally. I hate it, but I will continue to try an act as if nothing has happened.
8/7/00
Nine months ago I told him that if he loved someone else and that is what it would take to make him happy then I would let him go because I loved him and did not want to stand in the way of him being happy.
Now I do not want him to go so he can be happy. Now I want him to go because I know what kind of person he really is and I really do not like him. He keeps telling me to stop blaming myself. That his leaving was not my fault. He says he is the awful person. He’s right. He is the most horrible, awful, hurtful, careless, heartless jerk in the world. I thought he was the most caring, compassionate person I knew. I just made excuses for him, “he didn't show his emotions well.” The reality was he really was an uncaring, selfish, heartless jerk. I only pray Tom turns out nothing like him. As each day passes I get more and more disgusted having to look at him seeing him for the person he really is. It makes me angry at myself for having been so blind. How can he look at himself in the mirror, unless he truly has no soul and cannot see the reflection of the bastard in the mirror?
He has only cared for two people in his entire life, himself and Scarlett and I guess that will never change. They deserve each other, because she is obviously as selfish as he is.
8/10/00
This is my first child and I have no family or friends around, so I thought it would be a good idea for me to take the prenatal classes at the hospital. In retrospect I really did not learn anything I could not have read in book. The pain I had to endure for each class I went to definitely wasn’t worth it. James robbed me of what should have been the happiest time of my life.
Every class was the same. Since we were coming from different places, we would go to class in different cars. He was always late, but that was nothing new he was always late for everything. However, it still showed he did not care enough or respect me enough to be on time. I didn't want to sit out on the sidewalk with the pillows by myself advertising I was alone, so I sat in the car until I absolutely had to get out and go into class the so I was not late. Looking at the spot we were to meet and noticing he still was not there, I thought maybe this is the day he has decided to really leave me? He has not called. As I watch couple after couple drive up together, each new couple tears at my heart.
Finally, I go in alone. In the class I see all these couples happy and excited, whispering and holding hands. I force myself to stay in the room and stare at the walls. When James comes in we hardly acknowledge each other’s presence.
We get on the floor to relax in the dark and all the guys are helping the ladies get down on the floor. The couples are all touching each other, leaning back on one another or a head in a lap or some other kind of touch. I had no help. I fumbled to the floor by myself and we sat so far apart you could fit a parked car between us. During the relaxation exercise the instructor would say, "Imagine. Imagine someone's strong loving hands rubbing your back in a heart. We move in the shape of a heart to show our love…Your baby…Your baby…" Exactly, MY baby, not our baby. He will not be there. I cried through the entire exercise and he didn't even notice.
Even though I know he is physically sitting next to me, he is not emotionally there for me. Anyone can be there physically. I need someone to be there emotionally. I am doing this all on my own even with him sitting right next to me.
The pressure finally builds up too high and I can’t take it anymore. I completely break down and run out of the class. No one in the class knew why I really left. They thought I had gotten sick. He did not follow me out either. Later he told me his interest in the class has more to do with Scarlett than me, because she has already had a baby and he wants to know what she has gone through. Then he claimed he was too tired to deal with our issues and he needed time to himself. Very selfish choices after watching the mother of your child fall apart at a birthing class!
We went home and he went to his room and slept. When I woke up he came downstairs, which never happens because I always get up hours before him. He came to tell me he slept awfully. At first I thought this was good thing, then he followed it up with, "It's too weird being in the house and needing time alone especially if we are supposed to be separated." He said he didn't know if he wanted to leave though because he worries about me. If he is going to divorce me he will have to stop worrying about me at some point.
8/12/00
Today we saw a marriage counselor. He didn't say anything to James I did not already know. Essentially in order to work with us at all James needs to completely give Scarlett up at least for now. Of course he did not know if he wanted to do that. The counselor said maybe he should see James alone, so they have an appointment on Tuesday. After the appointment James asked about my feelings. So I made the observation that after listening to his conversations with the doctor he was not ready to walk away from Scarlett. He is so far checked out and already done with the relationship and it was clear to me I had better face the reality it is over. I could be wrong but I think that shocked him.
Later that night he talked to out mutual friend, Ryan, about moving in with him for a while, so I asked him when he was leaving. He said tonight. The counselor told us if he moved out it probably meant the marriage was over. I told him that if I knew he was going to leave I would not have let him go to the birthing classes with me and that he wouldn't be having anything more to do with the preparations for the baby. He said he disagreed with the counselor and he does not see leaving “temporarily” as meaning our relationship over. I guess he has years of experience counseling married couples to know better than the professional man with a degree who does this for a living, but who am I to know! I told him the only reason he was leaving temporarily rather than calling it completely off is because he just waiting for her. He did not deny it. If his purpose for leaving is to go and be alone to think, than he needs to be alone, without any contact with her, but he is not willing to do that. He decided he would pack up in the morning instead. When I went to leave in the morning I hugged him and kissed him goodbye, realizing it could be for the last time. I went outside the bedroom door stood there and cried for what felt like eternity.
8/15/00
What is it? Why is it so hard to love me? To give me a chance? Adam said that years ago James once told him his girlfriends were nothing more than sperm receptacles. I cannot believe a man would say that about someone he supposedly loved, but I guess that is all I have been too. The father of my child would never have an affair while his wife was pregnant. The father of my child would never leave his son. The father of my child would always put his child first. The father of my child would never do the despicable act he has done. Therefore, James is not the father of this child. He is the sperm donor, but I guess all his girlfriends have only been sperm receptacles.
What is he going to tell his child when he asks why mommy and daddy do not live together? Will he be able to say he tried hard enough? If my son asks me why mommy and daddy are not together I will not be able to say that we tried hard enough. I will be able to say that once I knew he thought of leaving I tried as hard as I could, but I will say his father left at the worst, most unfair time of all.
His story nine months ago, before I was pregnant, was that he was willing to make us work, but then he says he got to know her better and decided he didn’t want to work on us. The fact is he got sexually involved with her and that is when he decided we were over. I hadn’t even been pregnant a month. He consciously did this. He consciously crossed the line while I was pregnant. He chose to ignore the fact he has a child.
It is not like he can say, “ I'm sorry” anymore. This did not just happen. He wanted it to happen, he encouraged it to happen, and he made sure it did happen. It was all a conscious choice. He did not think about what he was doing to me or his son. It is one thing to have always had these feelings, it is quite another to have worked on, developed, and allowed those feelings to be created especially while I was pregnant.
He was not there for me when I needed him most. Crossing the line while I was pregnant is the epitome of selfishness. The fact that he was sharing the most important, most caring, most familial experience with me and it did not stop him from having an affair is sick and wrong.
In the first trimester when I would cry at night because he would come home late and ignore me, the next day I would have discussions with the men at work about him seeming not interested in the pregnancy and how nothing was the way I thought it would be. They tried to explain it away saying that was how men are, that all men do not really get into pregnancy until the baby is born. Huh! Little did I know the real reason was because he was screwing someone else!
8/20/00
He does not feel guilty about what he has done. He feels justified and happy about it. How wrong is that? He should feel incredibly guilty every day of his life, guilty enough he would want to repair the horrible things he has done, guilty enough to give us the fighting chance he knows we deserve because he knows what he did was unfair and we have not tried hard enough.
For most women, especially married women, giving birth to their first child is the most exciting time in their life. He has completely taken that away from me! For the rest of my life the memory of Tom’s birth will center around this horrible thing he has done. The pain of this memory will never go away. If he cared about me or this child, if he did not want to see me hurt and he wanted to see me through this, then why/how could he have made the choice to cross the line while I was pregnant? How is that giving me a chance? Why is it I had to force him to move in until the baby was born? Why wasn’t he mature enough to make the right decisions on his own?



8/22/00
It was obvious to me James was not making any definitive decisions because he was waiting for Scarlett to decide whether or not she was going to leave her husband. I thought I would write a letter to her to hopefully help her decision process along – one way or the other.
Dear Scarlett,
There are some things I feel I need to share with you. James is oblivious to anything but you, so I am writing you. You can think more rationally and maybe you will listen to logic. I realize you are stilling struggling with all of this. I also know you really do not want to hear from me, but my time is running out. If James and I cannot figure this out in three weeks, I need to leave so that I can have the support I need to raise this child.
Contrary to any problems our marriage may have had that James told you about, the only problem our marriage has ever had is his fixation on you. James readily admits that. He has always been so fixated on you. He has never given me a chance to be his lover or companion. This has lead him to a lot of pain and conflict within himself. It is easy for him to complain about our marriage to you because he has always wanted you. He wants to make things in our marriage look miserable because that is what he wants you to see, because he wants you. The problem is his life isn't miserable, but in order for you to maintain your relationship he has to make you believe that it is.
While he was on the internet complaining about his sex life, I was ten feet away sleeping in the next room. Maybe if he were not on the net with you, he would have been in bed with me. Each day the two of you would write or talk, he would come home and distance himself from me even more. Talking to you about our sex life did not help. It destroyed it. Every time, however, it has been you that has initiated the contact and brought up the idea of feelings and of you two being together. If you never would have done that, he would have been content to stay with me. He was certainly happy when we were in Utah for two years and there was very little contact with you. There is a direct correlation to when you two began to get close again and when our marriage began to fall apart and it has nothing to do with me.
He told me I could have given him everything he ever wanted and it still would not have mattered. He would still leave me for you. He told me he would stay with me in a heartbeat if he could not have you. There is nothing I can do to save my marriage, because it has never been about me or anything I did or did not do.
If you discuss any of this with him and he denies it than he is lying to one of us, and it wouldn't be the first time. Through this whole thing he has lied a lot to me (wanting to try, when he saw you, when he talks to you, what he has done physically with you) Eventually, he will lie to you too, if he has not already. For example, his lying about how bad things are for him at home. Has he told you within the last few weeks he has had a great sex life, a couple of orgasms a day? How does it make you feel that he is supposedly committed to you but he will still have sex with me? Supposedly he care's nothing about me, but he is still willing to accept the sex.
Have you thought about what it would have been like if you would have been abandoned during the last two months of your pregnancy? It is absolutely the cruelest thing a man could do; yet because of you that is what is happening to me. You may think James is still physically here so he hasn't abandoned me, but that is not true. For the last month we have not been in the house at the same time, and even when we are his physical presence means nothing. In fact all it does is increase the stress and tension. I have no family or close friends in California and I have lost my only sense of emotional support. I have been completely abandoned. As long as you are telling James you two will be together some day, you are supporting his abandoning me.
Adam says you are such a good mother and you would never allow James to shirk his responsibilities as a parent. Because of you, he has already shirked his responsibilities by not participating at all with the preparations, or by being here for me emotionally, to support me and ensure that I am healthy. Because of this stress, my child's health has been put in jeopardy. If you are the great mother Adam says you are and you believe in motherhood, how can you do this to these children? How would you have liked to have been a single mother from the first day your child was born? To me it feels like I am a sixteen year old who was date raped and the guy took off on me. I am completely alone; James is not here now, nor will he be later when I am 800 miles away. As a child of divorced parents and as a mother you ought to know how bad divorce is for kids. It may not seem bad now because Chris will have two dads, but because of how young Chris is, James would be the father that is there everyday. Adam's fear of losing his son is very real. Adam will lose his relationship, and James will become the more important father because he’s the one living there every day – tucking him in at night an enforcing all the rules, no matter what is done to try and foster a relationship between Adam and Chris. Adam will miss out.
If you value motherhood, think about what is happening to my son. He will have no father at all. I have no choice but to return to Utah. James will not be able to foster any kind of relationship with his son at that distance. The child of the person you love will have no father. Part of being a parent is sacrifice. A child's needs should be put above those of the parent. My child needs a father just as much as yours does, and not just any father, but their biological father. You may disagree, but I not only have I been through three parental divorces, but I am also adopted. I know.
At a school party in September he announced to all my co-workers during a party game that his only wish was to have children with me, yet now his only wish is to get as far away from me and this child as possible. It doesn't make sense to me.
Both you and James have apparently made wrong decisions in life. It seems it is easier to make another wrong decision than to stay in your current situation and work it out. The philosophy that it is easier to leave is why the divorce rate is so high. A marriage vow should be about "until death do you part," not until something better or easier comes along. A marriage vow should mean you don’t leave just because there is something you think you want more. If being together was what you wanted you should have figured it out years ago. You knew James for seven years before I met him. It seems to me that coming to him now and ruining my life and our child's life is just too little, too late. It is really unfair. Both of you need to know it is okay to admit that maybe you chose poorly, but live with the decision you made and make the sacrifice for your children and live up to your parental and legal obligations. Work on your current marriages, without contact with each other, honor your wedding vows, and do not allow our children to grow up with divorced parents. Admitting mistakes, making sacrifices, keeping commitments, and dealing with the consequences is what mature adults do. Running away, giving up, hurting other people due to selfishness, and the what is in it for me attitude is immature. It is okay for you two to realize you love each other and made mistakes, but as mature adults who have integrity and honor for marriage and parenthood, that is where all your conversations with each other should have stopped.
If you truly love someone you would never encourage them to get a divorce. You may never have outright told James to divorce me, but your other messages have. Telling him you two will be together someday translates into "divorce your wife." Telling him you will be together someday has only made his life more painful now. It is painful because he doesn't have you now and it's painful
because he has to see the pain he is causing me everyday and will continue to be painful realizing what he has done to his son.
If he didn't love me, walking away would be easier for him. All of this time he never told me anything was wrong, never told me how he felt about you, never told me I was constantly being compared. How could I possible have known my marriage was in danger? I never knew, and now things between you two have gone so far he won't even let me try to make things better. You should know how pregnancy changes a person. From the first time I found about you two, there has only been maybe three weeks I wasn't pregnant. I think his making this decision under these circumstances is pretty unfair of him. Again, I don't know where you are in terms of your own marriage or in terms of James, but if there is any doubt in your mind that you will be together with James, I think you should tell him. He has three weeks before I walk out of his life forever. If you aren't sure about what you want and he knows it, he might try to salvage what little he has here before it is gone forever.
James is so blinded by the idea you two will be together in some happy dream world someday he does not hear any of the logic anyone tells him. He doesn't care about who he hurts and he doesn't care about the fact his child is being born in less than a month. Unfortunately, I believe you are the only one who can give our marriage and our son any kind of chance right now.
Beth
8/24/00
I received a response from Scarlett today. From what she said I would not put much faith in their being together. Scarlett claims James and Adam are two completely separate issues, and she doesn't want to deal with issues of James until she resolves issues with Adam. Yet James is completely confident they will be together. He has waited thirteen years what difference does a few more months make to him? Just like the counselor told him, if he wanted to work things out he had to stop contact with her. I think the same is true for her. If she really expects to figure things out with Adam, then I think James ought to step out of her life for a while so she can figure it out.
I told James he no longer had a reason to take time off work to stay home with me and Tom after he was born and it didn't even phase him. I know he has more than two weeks of vacation time available. He told his boss he could take a couple days to a maximum of two weeks. Even if things were beautiful between us, that would upset me. Wouldn't he want to spend as much time as possible with his child? His first child. You only have a first time experience once. Is he saying that work is more important than his child?
He can't wait to share this experience of having a child with Scarlett and do all the things with her that he never did with me. Does he realize if they have only one child together, he'll have three children and that's if he has only one. How many children does he want? He told me he only wanted one, but now he has two to support and any way its looked at it my son is the one that gets passed over. Chris has two new daddies; Tom has none. Chris is the older brother and has already made Tom second before he was ever born.
9/10/00
Tom was born seven days ago. I woke up at four in the morning in wrenching pain. I called my parents and James took me to the hospital. During the day James would come in and out of the room. He watched sports on the TV. (I hate sports!) He was there, but he was useless. I asked him to film the birth and he didn’t even do that right. After only very minor complications Tom was born around six o’clock that night. Even though my parents lived in Utah and drove the whole way here, they only missed the birth by an hour. I stayed in the hospital a few days (James never stayed) before going home. I never sent out birth announcements. I just couldn’t. No one except for our immediate families knew about the impending divorce. What was I supposed to do “joyfully announcing the birth of our son and by the way we are getting a divorce?” Sending out a cheery announcement just seemed so contrary to everything that was happening in my life.
My parents stayed at my house for a couple of days. They thought everything looked like it was going well between James. They have always thought everything looked like it was going alright, even when my entire world has been crumbling around me. They thought if they left it might be better for us. Little did they know they were the glue holding everything together. We had to play nice when there was company around. So two days after I got home from the hospital, they left and everything fell apart. Two days after that James went back to work. After only a week I was home alone with a newborn infant and no one to help. So here I am now, ready to go see the lawyer so I can get separation paperwork so I can go to Utah and still have financial support. I can’t stay here alone with a newborn. I just can’t.
9/15/00
Everyone says one day James will regret what he has done. But everyone hasn't heard the callous, cruel remarks, and seen hurtful things he has done. If he does not have a conscious now, why would he get one later? Maturity enables a person to control their impulses. If he knew all along his behavior was wrong (which any rational thirty-two year should know) and would lead to this disaster and he did nothing to control the impulses, but instead encouraged them and acted upon them, then he is not mature. He chose to end up here, not by deciding divorce was okay, but long before that -- the first time he looked at me and rather than letting me in on trying to fix things decided it was easier to look elsewhere and began questioning his love.
Along with all the books that say there is no such thing as “the one” and that love is a decision, they also say people can behave their way to happiness. His belief he will never be happy with me is a choice, it is not a fact nor a reality. I teach people how to treat me. I guess I have taught him not to love me. We could just as easily teach each other to love each other. We can behave our way to happiness. It is a choice.
But regardless of all that and regardless of what my feelings are he still plans to follow through because he believes he will not be happy. Yet, he cannot identify what it is that will make him happy. Other people do not make you happy. You make yourself happy. Just getting a new partner will not make him happy. The problem is internal and until he fixes it, he won't be happy.
Maybe the reason he hasn't received love is because he hasn't been loveable. In order to be loveable you have to give love. What has he given to me? He hasn't been interested in me, so why would he expect me to give him warm fuzzies when he sits there treating me as if I were a rock?
He has to name it before he can claim it, but he hasn't been able to tell me any concrete things about this happiness he desires. You cannot change what you cannot identify. So if he cannot identify concrete things for himself then how did I ever stand a chance to make thing better? If he doesn't know what I can do to make him happy then how can he know what someone else can do for him? He may be just replacing one set of problems for another. The only thing he has been able to tell me is that he wants that "oneness" feeling, well, what is that? I will tell you what it is, it is whatever you want it to be, that is why love is a decision. It is whatever you chose it to be. That is why your behavior can make you happy. I can make him just as happy as she could if he would chose to let me, but he isn't letting me in and he never has. The message he is sending me says, "I never loved you and I don't want to love you." This is the message I am getting from the father of my child and husband of over six years.
Dr. Phil says the offending partner needs to help the victimized partner with emotional closure (I am sure the context is if the couple stays together, but I still think it applies.) If I don't get a fair chance there will never be emotional closure. I will carry around the anger and the "what if's" forever. Dr. Phil goes on to say that healing cannot start until the hurting stops. It has been over fifteen years and I have not been able to heal my relationship with my adoptive mother. I will not be able to heal about this either. The hurt will never go away. He wants happiness for his son, yet he leaves him with an emotionally injured and unstable mother? Which do you think is more unhealthy way to live, together with parents who are best friends and trying hard to make each other happy, or living with a single mother, hardly ever seeing his father and having his parents bitter towards each other forever? Because of our move and a one parent income, Tom will be forced into a lower standard of living with more responsibility placed on him at a younger age, and no real male role model. (James certainly is not a role model. He has taught his son that marriage and vows mean nothing and cheating is acceptable.) Which situation does he think will lead to the best opportunities for Tom?
The number one priority in James’ life should be his child. Tom should come before all other things. The message he is sending him is that Tom was an unwanted mistake. Tom will want him to explain how it is that he left before he was even born. He can give any rational answer he wants but in his heart Tom will not believe him. Children of divorce more often than not think it is their fault. He can keep denying Tom will feel that way, but he was not the product of divorce. He has never lived it to understand what it is going to do to him. He sees his parents as unhappy, but at least they are BOTH there to support him all the time. He can spend holidays and special occasions with them both, without having to chose. He knows they wanted him and they love him unconditionally. His parents always put their children’s happiness above their own. Tom will not ever have those experiences or that security.
I will not intentionally sabotage James’s relationship with his son, but I will not lie to my child. I will tell him what James did and when he did it. I am sure that without me having to say anything it will be clear to Tom that James didn't care enough about our new family because he left. Every divorce I went through was initiated by my mother (hum… and I hate her…) How does he think Tom will feel about Scarlett -- the woman who split up his mommy and daddy?
10/1/00
All of his life James has never had closure with Scarlett. He has always felt the "what if’s." He has therefore always hurt and has never been able to get over it. Why isn’t he angry that it took her ten years to come to him (or have they always been having sex on the side?) It is really not a good sign for their life together. She doesn't have a good track record for treating him well. How can he love someone who is causing so much pain and destruction in his life? Now is his chance to find closure, but instead he would rather throw his life and his son away on the chance she might present. The problem is he doesn't know the answer to the what ifs and so he has to rip his life apart to find out.
Destroying everything to try the answer to the what if's is not the only answer. Closure can come a different way, by saying to each other that there will be no what ifs. He has wanted this so long he doesn't care about anything else, that is why I went to Scarlett. I was hoping she could be the rational one. If I could get her to tell him no he could finally get over this and move on. (foolish of me to try that since she is the one who initiated all this!) Even if they loved each other, if they committed to not hurting other people, not destroying their lives, respecting the vows that they took, then they should be strong in saying no. Then there would be closure. I don’t think they have said that to each other or really tried to move on. Saying no would have been the mature, responsible, option. It would have show they have morals and integrity. It would show they do love their spouse. Asking someone to get a divorce, leave their child, and destroy their life, does not show love, it shows selfishness.
Earlier in this experience when he would cry and I would hold him, he would say, “it shouldn't be this way” when I was trying to comfort him. I would answer, “yes, it should.” It should be your wife who is by your side to help you through hard times. There is more than one way to get through hard times and to be happy, but he is choosing the most destructive path.
James is Scarlett’s safety net. She wasn't the one who dumped Adam. Adam was like me. He was tired of the lies and games. When he got sick of it, he dumped her and moved out. Then he intentionally told her lies, hoping to force her to file and eventually she did (but not until long after I had filed.) She was not ready to jump into James’s court either. She actually told him she was not sure he could give her the life she wanted. She seems just as selfish as James – more concerned about money rather than love. Since her freshman year of high school Scarlett has not been without a man for more than a month. She would not know how to survive without a man. Now she is settling for James so she does not have to be alone. All she knows is she does not want to be with Adam, but she does not know she wants James either. She just needed someone and he has always been ready to jump at her call.
I do have a few regrets about all this. I regret trying to force his hand. I wish I could have been strong enough to take whatever had he had to offer. I wish that I could have controlled the anger and just showed him love. I wish I had not let him in the delivery room. It did not mean anything to him. I regret holding him when he cried. I should have let him suffer. I regret caring about someone who doesn't care about me.
10/6/00
Here I sit on the plane. I finally did it. I am going back home. The last month has been the worst hell I have ever lived through. James and I only lived together for two weeks after Tom came home. The pressure was intense. I tried hard to be nice, but I just could not take the abuse any longer. He should not be allowed to live in my house and receive the joys of this child if his heart is somewhere else. We would lash out at each other and he would leave. One night he left, I followed him. We drove the two hours one way to Scarlett’s house. He knew I was moving to Utah in less than a week and rather than stay and try to make things better so he could spend what little precious time he had left with his son, the next morning he came home, got his stuff, and he left for good. I packed all of my things and prepared to move. He came back one day and accused me of stealing his things. He went through every single box I packed and realized, I had not taken a thing. I did not steal anything, but I really had to resist the urge to destroy everything left in the house that belonged to him. I wanted to scratch every CD in his stupid precious collection but I did not. I could not believe he had the nerve to accuse me of being untrustworthy. Every night for the last month I have held my son in my arms and cried myself to sleep. I have tried to shield Tom from the screaming, but I can’t help but hold him tight when I cry. I can’t imagine how this going to effect him to see/know that his mother is in so much pain. At least when I go home, there will be other stable adults that he can be with. Tom should feel the weight lifted of his shoulders to be surrounded by so many people who love him. It is just sad that it took a month in coming.
10/10/00
Please tell me when this is going to get easier. I really don't see it getting any easier in the foreseeable future, only harder. Will there be a day when death doesn't seem like the better choice? It only looks better and better.
I still cannot sleep at night. I toss and turn all night replaying all of the things that have happened. Knowing James is coming to visit seems to make my ability to sleep even worse.
He does not seem to understand that it is not just that I want him, but I need him. I cannot raise this child by myself. Tom spends all day alone with me. What kind of life is that for either of us? He needs two parents to interact with. He needs the love of two people. He is the one who suffers everyday.
10/20/00
Things came to a head last week. After moving to Utah I thought things would be better. They were for Tom, but not for me. Even though I was home surrounded by friends and family, I did not feel I could talk to anyone. I could not be honest about my feelings because no one around me understood. I did not call any of my friends to tell them I was coming and I still have not told anyone I am back. After all the last time I saw everyone was at my couples baby shower when everything was hunky dory less than three months ago. How could anyone understand how things could go so sour so quickly? But try explaining that to all your friends who believe marriage is “for all time and eternity.” For them three months sailed by for me it was like trying to swim across the Atlantic with a hundred pound weight tied to my foot. Each day was eternally long and I was just trying not to drown.
I still cry myself to sleep every night holding my son and no one hears. Even though I have moved back in with my dad and his wife, I am still the one doing all the work, staying up every time he wakes up in the night. No one can hear him but me, and I just cannot ask for help.
Leaving California meant facing the reality our marriage was over. This nightmare had been going on for months and I still do not think I believed it was happening, until I was home. I lost it. I did not want to live. I could not see the point. Raising Tom alone seemed like a nightmare and I could not handle it.
My parents have never understood depression. After coming to live with my father at thirteen I knew I needed help so I asked my parents to take me to a psychologist. I was told they did not believe in those kinds of doctors and that I could always solve those kinds of issues on my own. They come from the generation that believed mental illness was something to be feared and ashamed about. They do not know about the actual differences in brain chemistry and how drugs can help.
Every waking moment all I could think about was killing myself. I actually started a trust and got a life insurance policy set up for my son so he would be taken care of when I died. Then I finally went to ask a doctor for help. I ended up being checked into a psychiatric ward. I could not handle be locked away in there away from son either. I was trying to do right by Tom by breastfeeding him and now he was without me. My parents were taking care of him. The hospital would let him come twice a day for an hour. That was a real reality check for me. I learned quite quickly I could not live without my son. My parents still could not understand why I was there and why I could not go home if I wanted. They do not understand the law that if a doctor believes you could be a harm to yourself or others that they are required to have you involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward for observation. During the weekend, I learned more about postpartum depression and the joys of antidepressants. I did have a degree psychology so I knew a little about how to play the game. I was home in four days. I do not necessarily think leaving so quickly was the right thing to do, but my son needed me. James heard I had locked up, but he had no reaction or response to it at all. But at least now, suicide would no longer be an appealing option.
12/31/00
I finally began to call my friends. Shockingly, they actually understood more than I thought they would as I opened up with my story – other people started to open up about their lives. In fact, I was shocked. Things started coming out of the woodwork. So many friends and family had stories to tell about spouses that had cheated on them, except in most cases (but not all) they stayed married. But it totally shocked me how all of this was going on around me and I never knew it. I guess I understand why people are afraid to talk about it, but they should not. Infidelity was something I had never heard discussed around me before and now I seemed to be surrounded by it. It was amazing. Apparently, I never knew the real reason my mother left my father (after all I was four) but I learned she had cheated on my father. My mother remarried a month after my parents divorce was final. I also learned my step-mother’s previous husband, my Aunt, my brother-in-law, and one of my friends had all cheated on their spouses. It was everywhere.
After I got out of the psych ward my parents began to drag me all around the Salt Lake Valley. I do not think they wanted Tom and I to be home alone. Up until that point I was pretty much just staying home with Tom and waiting for James to call. My parents thought the best thing for my mental health was to get out of the house, so they began to pressure me. I signed up to start my Masters degree at the university, but that was not enough. Even though my son was not yet three months old I got a full time teaching job. It was heart wrenching to leave my son home and go back to work. Teaching in Utah, however, is very different from teaching in California. They could not stand my high standards and liberal teaching style and I could not stand their conservative, keep your eyes closed, ten years behind the rest of the world approach. I left after a month, and instead got a retail sales job.
Then of course there was the holidays. I hated holidays even when my life was great. Everywhere people are talking about being with family and all the joy of the season… PUKE! But from the middle of November until the end of December it seemed like there was a party every day. I put on a smile and went from house to house while my insides were being chipped away with every cheesy couple under the mistletoe. Tom was the only thing that made it tolerable. Seeing him in the snow and surrounded by all the lights, wrapping paper and bows and everyone fondling him and fighting over who got to hold him next.
I was living in a junkyard, being swallowed by the piles of mess growing all around me. On one front I was still on the roller coaster with James talking to him. Begging him to reconsider his decision for hours on end once or twice a week. On another front I was trying to be a single mother with a breastfeeding three month old, and then there was my parents. Coming to Utah did not make it any easier like I thought it would. Rather than just leaving me alone to get my bearings in life, my parents were not really helping with the baby and were pressuring me constantly to move on and get a job. It just piled more pressure on me. I was being swallowed up by the mess and I had to get out, so I started looking for a place of my own.
Even though I still desperately hoped James and I would get back together, I had now been at my parents house for three months, I had to take the next step and get out of my parents house. Because of moving around so much in my childhood I desperately feared moving from place to place as I raised my son. I also do not believe in throwing rent money away when you could be earning equity. My parents thought they might need to check me back into the psych ward. They tried to compromise by trying to get me to buy a townhouse or a condo. I knew I could not live in a place like that forever and with the real estate market in our area I knew it would be difficult to resell. Besides, I have known so many people who have bought a house with the thought that some day they were going to move into a better house, then life happens and someday never comes. I wanted the best for my son and I knew I could give it to him. I had a substantial amount of money coming to me from the sale of our home in California, so I wanted to buy my dream house. I found a perfect split level house on a quarter acre fenced in lot in a cul-de-sac with a beautiful view of the Wasatch Mountains. A perfect place for a growing little boy to play and if I had to I could live there forever and be happy. Against everyone else’s judgment, it was the best decision I had made in a long time.
1/10/01 3:30 A.M.
I cannot sleep. I cannot function. Writing is all I can do to pacify my racing mind.
I only wanted a legal separation. I just wanted a guarantee of money, while we had space and time apart to figure things out, in a peaceful manner.
Never once has he said, "I don't know," or "Please help me," or "Just give me time." No he said, "I know what I want and I want her."
I only wanted time through a separation, but he didn't even want time. At one point I said why even bother with the phase of a legal separation. It might as well just be a divorce, and he jumped right in and said, "Yes, make it divorce." I never wanted any of this ever.
Before I bought the house I called him. I remember it vividly. I was standing in my parent's kitchen looking out the window. It was around ten in the morning my time and he was just driving to work. I asked if there was any reason why I shouldn't buy it. He said, "No, I have no regrets, no second thoughts. I am happy and this is what I want." I sit here with the pain of the knowledge that he is happy without me and that I couldn't make him happy. He says I have moved on with my life. He didn’t me a give me a choice! If he would have ever have said, "help me, give me time, " I would still be there in California waiting for him.
He seems to think I sent mixed signals. That has never been my intent. I thought I had only one signal. I want you back. Everything I have done is with the hope it might stir something within him and make him think twice about doing this.
I still can't believe this is real and that he can leave his son. I was hoping when it came down to the wire, when he actually had to sign his name to the papers he couldn't do it.
I keep hoping he will say to her, "You know, the last six months have been great. I am glad I had them because I will always love you, BUT I have a wife and child. I made a commitment to them in marriage, and I need to honor that. She loves me and is willing to do anything, I need to give her that chance to work things out."
I pray for that everyday!
Before, I only wanted thing on my terms. There are no terms anymore, no conditions. The only thing I want is him, and I'll do anything to have him back in my life again. I have learned a lot about stuff I have done wrong and what I have should have done better. I want the chance to make things right, to do what I have should have done.
1/15/01
I would do anything he asked me, if it meant we could be together. I am fighting for him the only way I know how, while still trying to protect myself.
I have thought long and hard about going to California these last two weeks. Camping out on his doorstep, begging him not to do this, forbidding him to do this, but he'll just push me aside and leave me on the doorstep alone. I can't handle that.
If he asked me to move back, I'd sell the house and come to California in a heartbeat.
I still pray he will come and sweep me off my feet and make this all not happen. A part of the reason I have to be so negative is so I don't get my hopes up.
If he did decide to come back, it had better be some big grand gesture. If he just says it over the phone or something, it will be over. If he comes back, he had better literally be on his knees with a huge diamond ring in his hands and begging for forgiveness. If it is not a huge gesture with humble pie and everything I have dreamed, then it will not happen. I have to take a stand and teach him how to treat me.
1/22/01
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, not just situational depression. Although that could seem like a really bad thing it is not because it means there are drugs to help. The drugs can actually make me a less angry, less bitter person, therefore I could be happier and nicer.
I have really thought about my sex drive trying to think about who/why things went wrong. I started to trace back to what I can remember about when I felt it started to decline, granted I do not think I really remember that well, but this is what I have discovered: the miscarriage effected my desire for sex. Before the miscarriage I can remember feeling playful and wanting sex a lot. I remember there was a time I did not care who was in the next room. I think that changed after the miscarriage. Subconsciously I associated sex with a bad thing, I was afraid of getting pregnant. I was afraid to let go sexually until I knew my body was ready to have a baby and it would be a joyful, happy experience and not something to be feared. I did not fear having a child (as long as I was not alone, like I am now), but Sex can be something I desire, but not when I am locked up with fear. To make sure I didn't get pregnant, I was always on birth control. Birth control pills effect your hormones and can also lessens your sex drive. Then over time I gained weight and I had less of a sexy feeling about myself. James thought I was not attracted to him, and maybe that’s true. I don't feel afraid anymore, something about having the baby that I always wanted and should have had eight years ago, has freed me. I have also lost seventy pounds since September.
1/25/01
I am caving in to write this, but I cannot resist. I hope someday soon that this desire to write will end, but unfortunately it has not. By Thursday morning last week I wanted to write to James and tell him that it had already seemed like an eternity since I had seen him. It has only been a little over a week and it feels like months to me. Every time I go into a store I go to the card section looking for one to send to him, more often than not I find one, but I haven't bought one in a long time. It's wasted effort, falling on deaf ears, but I still look. I still hope that someday it would matter. He says it hurts him when I sent those cards, so I don't send cards anymore because I don't want to be responsible for hurting him. However I still have the desire to do something to show him my love. Why do I keep continuing to try? Every day I check my email messages. Every time I leave my house and come back I check my answering machine and caller ID hoping that I will see he called. I do not want him to call to with any major news, I just miss him and want to talk, but more often than not there are no messages. Every time I check my messages my heart breaks a little. I look for excuses to call like Tom doing something cute. I wanted to hear his voice. I want to talk to him about what is really going on inside, whatever he is trying to work out with his counselor. I want to be there for him and be close to him. I want to connect. Even through this mess and even though he is so far away he is still my whole world and I don't want to lose that.
2/1/01
The only thing I have tried to do since day one is save our marriage and do what is best for Tom. That is all I have ever wanted. If there is no hope of saving our marriage then I hope he signs those papers and releases me from this living hell. Once he signs his name, there is no going (or coming for that matter) back. To me marriage means a one time, one shot deal. I committed for a lifetime, so until he signs I will continue to hope those commitments might mean something to him and that we could work through this. We are married until he signs. After he signs, there will be no second chances. There could never be a remarriage because if he allows this to go through, then we obviously have different interpretations of the what the word marriage means. I would never choose to remarry someone who did not believe it meant forever, for a lifetime, no matter how much I loved them. If this goes through, there will be no longer be a marriage, so there would be nothing to save, and no meaning to "committed for a lifetime,” because it means he chose to not have me in his life.
2/8/01
My own words give me strength. I keep coming back to them and rereading this journal again and again. My words remind me to be strong. They remind me what is right, to not keep banging my head on that James wall. I will not put myself in a position to be destroyed like this twice. What if he realizes what a mistake he has made six months from now and comes crawling back? If my moving away meant nothing, if the birth of his son and the separation from him meant nothing, then our relationship must not have meant very much, and to figure out it months later just shows how very little we meant to each other. I can't understand why he can't see that for himself. It is the same in his shoes. If she really loved him, why is she only coming to him thirteen years later? That does not speak of love to me. If she really cared about him, he wouldn't be where he is. He and I are different. He let her back in. No matter how much I love a person, I will not set myself up for hurt. I will say no to him if he figures this out months from now.
Signing divorce papers is a direct attack on me. It says he does not care about me, our son, or our marriage. It says commitment means nothing. It was not, “until death do us part,” it was until something better came along. What he can't come to grips with is the fact he is cruel. That is the truth he has had to face in deciding to sign the papers! The only reason he has played all these dumb games stalling is because he cannot face the fact he is a bad person doing a bad thing. He keeps whining, "but don't you want me to be happy?" Fine, go be happy! He was right I never was thinking of his happiness, forgive me! I was not aware he could be happy without his son. I wasn't aware he could be happy after doing such horrible things. So forgive me, I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his happiness anymore. I just was not thinking clearly. All I wanted was my son's happiness, and I wasn't thinking of James, sorry. I will make sure to respect his choice for happiness by trying to keep out of his life as much as possible…
And if he ever thinks he is not happy because I am denying him his son, think again. I have done nothing. Everything that has happened was a result of his choices. He chose to make him second when he had an affair before he was ever born. He chose to end the marriage which forced me to move away. I did not deny him his child, he chose to have someone else in his life over Tom. He cannot have the ideal relationship with both of them, one of the relationships had to suffer and he chose that one to be Tom’s. And because of his timing and choices, I cannot support him in fatherhood since he never spent a day living as Tom’s father. As far as I am concerned Tom came by means of immaculate conception! James got everything he ever wanted to make himself happy. He does not deserve to be a part of Tom’s life. Merely donating sperm and providing a paycheck does not make anyone a father! What he has done says that being with that woman was more important than being there for Tom. Anything he wants to create with his son will be done by him. The word father will not exist in my house.
Frankly, I think Tom is better off. I am giving my son the best I possibly can, and I'm sorry if that does not include James. My happiness is an integral part of Tom’s happiness and I will not move to California and be poor and unhappy, just so James can be a part of Tom’s life. I will not suffer just so James can have a relationship with a son he has never raised. Frankly, it is not like I want to live in Utah either. I do not like the ultra conservatism here, but this is where I can provide the most for my son in terms of a house, and a large loving support system, which is something he will need since he does not have a father. Scarlett will never let them move here. She won't let her precious son lose his father, but she doesn’t care about mine. It's important to her that she get to stay home with her son, but she wants James to fight me for money so I have to go back to work. She just wants more money for herself, because James doesn't make the kind of money she is used to. I told Scarlett a long time ago, even if the tables turned we were still going to have to be friends if she was going to end up as the stepmother of my child, but she really blew it. Encouraging James to fight me in the divorce was one step to far. I will never want to speak to that selfish, home wrecking, whore.
Nothing will change for James in the future. Scarlett will use and control him just like she is doing now. If she had any respect for him, she would keep her opinions out of our divorce, because it is none of her business, but she pulls all his strings. She is the one who told to him to sleep in a different bed after she heard we were still having sex. She is the one who told him to say, “I'm sorry you feel that way” every time we tried to talk because he never knew what to say by himself. She is the one who told him to fight for more money in the divorce settlement. She is the one who told him he had to stay at a hotel when he came to visit. She is the one who forced James into getting a parenting agreement. I am sure that this is just the beginning. He is her puppet, but I guess that’s what he likes.
Before Tom steps foot into their house, he better have all the same things as Chris. Tom should have his own room with his own furniture and his own toys. My son has already played second to her, he will not be second to her son! Tom is James's first born and will be treated accordingly, hand me downs will not suffice!
She has never spent more than a month without a man in her life since she met James as a freshman in high school. She doesn't know how to live without a man. Does James really think he is the only one she would have left her husband for? Heck, no! She would have left Adam, whether James was in the picture or not. He is just an added benefit, a nice fall back she knew she could count on. She could not really start actively dating lots of different men while she was married, and since she doesn’t know how to be without a man, she relied on good old puppy dog James! If they were really in love then they would have ended their marriages without getting involved with each other first. With the attitude, “let's taste the meal before we decide,” it doesn’t show a lot of confidence in the relationship! James is just a stepping stone for her to leave her husband. "Oh, all I care about is James's happiness," she says. Really, then where was she eight years ago? Why would she ask him give up everything he had? Why would she ask him do to something that would strain their future parenting relationship with me? It is all about her and what she wants. She wanted someone to rescue her from her marriage and he stepped up to bat.
What I have not come to grips with is he does not even regret what he has done. He is not sorry. The only thing he regrets is I found out, and did not slip quietly away into the night. He only regrets being caught. He doesn't care about what this has done to me or how it has hurt me or what it had done and will do to Tom. He only regrets I found out because of the complications it brought to the situation.
My biggest regret is letting in James in the delivery room. He did not deserve to be there. Tom comes second behind her, so James should have been with her. James’s biggest regret is I found out. Mine is I let him be a part of the most intimate, most important part of my life. He took from me what should have been the happiest moment of my life!
Do I care about his happiness now? No. I hope he rots in hell for what he has done. I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life. I have thought long and hard about my morals and what I hold sacred and by far the most sacred is the vow of marriage. Adultery and divorce are the biggest and worst of all possible sins, and God must think so too, because out of ten commandments, it is mentioned in two! He keeps saying he is a horrible person and he’s right. He has no concept of self-control or right from wrong. He is an incredibly selfish, immoral person.
2/18/01
Another Valentine’s Day come and gone and I was completely forgotten. I only laugh now to look back at last year. It was the best gift he ever gave me a two hundred dollar pair of diamond earrings. Usually, if he remembered at all, the gifts were more like the bag of candy bars I had gotten a few years before. But now I know the truth. Scarlett was giving him advice and told him to buy the earrings. So this year, I sent them to her, along with my wedding ring. Why not? Apparently it has always been hers too.
2/22/01
What is his problem? He has been having the affair for over a year now. Why won’t he sign the papers and move on. How much more time does he need? He made his decision, so what’s his problem?
I have not heard if he signed the papers, should I really give up? Which is worse to bug him everyday to find out, or cut off our relationship completely? I will do anything to save our marriage, but what is the right thing to do? If he is on the verge of coming back to me and I get in his face now and say there is nothing to save will it push him over the edge? Wouldn't it be nice if I stopped fighting and then he came begging me not to give up?

4/5/01
I have done my best to try to give James as much space as possible. I have not noticed any change in our relationship from when I was trying to stay in contact every other day or so. In order to help me feel better, I invited all my friends over to my house for a birthday party. One of my friends is also going through a divorce because of a cheating spouse. We talked for a long time. A couple of days later we went to go see a movie together to take our minds off things. Even though we are just friends, it was really weird thinking I was alone in a movie theater with a man who is not my husband. I was aware of every move he made, how close our arms were, the scent of his cologne. Even though he has been my friend for years and it was not even considered a date, the sensations reminded me of being a teenager on my first date.
Friday 4/13/01
I have cried every night. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted just to hold him, but realistically I just wanted to call, or to beg, or to tell him more about things I have discovered about myself. To hold it all in I have typed pages of stuff. I told myself I would give up the fight, but I just cannot let go. I have to believe our marriage matters. I still hope every day he will not do this. I will continue to hope that until the day he signs. Once he asked why signing made such a difference to me. I can understand what he did with Scarlett, but signing is a direct attack on me. He obviously doe not see what he is doing with Scarlett while we are still married as wrong or immoral or else he would be extremely motivated to sign the papers. He does not realize the limbo his inaction places me in. His inaction is just as painful as his adultery. I begged him that if he knew he was going to sign and his only reason for not signing was procrastination, then to please sign and get my suffering over with. All week long I prayed that my birthday present from him would be telling me this was all over. I prayed maybe he would show up on my doorstep. My parents asked me to lunch, and I hoped it was a rouse to get me out of the house, so he could get into the house, or that he would be at their house waiting. I prayed when I came home that I would see a yellow rental truck or a rental car in my driveway. I even tried to make sure I looked my best, and I thought about putting a note for him on the door when I left. That is how much I hoped it would be true. I waited all night to hear from him and I checked my email every couple of hours. Maybe he would tell me with an online card. Nothing. Absolutely nothing, and he didn't even say happy birthday to me when he called the next day. He had forgotten about my birthday just like he had so many times when we married. I live for any word from him. I would have been happy just to have gotten anything that said he was thinking of me. Last year on my birthday I was so happy. I had no clue my world was crumbling around me.
I thought the last time he came would be the last time we saw each other as man and wife, but unless he signs before next weekend that won't be the case anymore, which means I have to relive those painful feelings of watching him walk out my door for the last time, again. I don't think I can do that again. Nothing he can do or say will make me give up hope until he actually signs, but when I let him into my house and we have long pleasant phone conversations, I just don't understand what is going through his head and I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall for no reason. I just do not know if I can keep the bloody mess up. What does he want me to do?
4/23/01
I thought I could make it through his visit without crying, but it didn't happen. There are things he did however that remind me why I should not take him back.
There was not one single time he showed up to the house on time, not once. When I wanted to take Tom to the park, he had no consideration of my feelings. He always knew in his head what his plans were in terms of when he would be taking him for private time and he never bothered to share them with me until we were right on top of the moment. My whole weekend was spent moment by moment at his whim. I had no idea what was coming next. I could not stand it. I wanted to go to the zoo together Sunday, but after all of his inconsiderate behavior, I couldn’t. On top of that not once, ever, did anything come up about our situation and where he was with signing the papers. Nothing. I have no idea where we are, how things stand, or what's expected from me. Nothing.
He is not one to talk about sending mixed signals. Friday night he stayed until eleven p.m. and we just held each other all night. Saturday he stayed until almost midnight and all we did was talk all night. Sunday during Tom's nap we held each other the whole time and were kind of getting cozy, who knows were it could have gone had Tom not woken up.
On Saturday when I saw him with Tom it reminded me how angry I was he could do this. How could he leave his son? How could he make someone else more important than Tom? Ugh, it makes me furious! And for the second time I felt that being a single mom was not such a bad thing, because you are the expert and get to make all the decisions. James was worrying about all kinds of needless stuff and trying to tell me about stuff he read in books about how to raise children, but the reality is he is not here living it so he does not know and I tried really hard to let him be a dad without stepping in, but James has no experience and it shows! I told him to put a jacket on Tom before taking him outside. He didn't. He did not wash behind his ears and the dirt left there was nasty! He did not hold on to him in the tub and he fell and swallowed a handful or two of water. In fact James let him fall many times! Then there would be times that James would just sit Tom down and James would lie down and ignore him by just staring out the window. You could tell James was thinking of this whole mess, but he only has two days to see him, he will have a month to think about this mess later. I got the sense when he left that leaving didn't really bother him. He was okay leaving his son and only coming to visit every so often. I guess that is part of male genetics because there is no way I could do that!
I tried really hard to let go emotionally and I think I did a pretty good job. It felt like I was grieving the loss of the relationship. I think I won't be as hung up any more and can be a little more distant, but we'll see. What's weird is that James would hold me just as tight as I would hold him, but he would just look straight ahead. It didn't feel like there was any kind of connection whatsoever, where I used to think he loved me. I don't feel that anymore. I feel he was just doing what was expected, biding his time and trying to make me feel better because he feels like such a horrible person for doing this.
I was so angry on Saturday when James just up and decided it was time to take Tom and leave, so I called Steve, the friend of mine who’s wife cheated on him. I knew I could vent with him and he would keep me on an even keel. We just drove around for a while and it was good. Much better than staying home and stewing in my anger.
I wanted to go to the zoo to have a fun. I wanted to laugh and play in the gift store, buying Tom some kind of toy. I wanted it to be exciting. I wanted to take turns showing Tom the animals. I wanted to be relaxed. I wanted to be us again as the family I thought we would someday be, but by Sunday morning I realized it was just another one of the dreams I created in my head and it would not be like that. It would have been forced and potentially uncomfortable. I just could not face another disappointment, especially not one that I created for myself. I'm coming to grips with the fact I have to stop dreaming and let go, and it is just really hard.
While he was here, I made him watch the movie “High Fidelity.” I could see many similarities between that movie and us. I was curious what kind of reaction he would have to it. The main character owns a record store. He defines his life using lyrics from different songs. He makes tapes that represent his feelings. His girlfriend dumps him, and he spends the movie trying to figure out why by talking to older girlfriends. In the end he realizes how stupid he was and he gets his girl back. The music aspect of the movie was an interesting similarity. I thought it was interesting he really liked the quote at the beginning of the movie:
“What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”
I think creating CD’s that allowed him to wallow in his immature emotions is what led to some of our problems, those two CD's he created, the "I hate my wife and can't stand my life" CD and then the "I have always loved you and can't live without you" CD. It goes back to what is it that really creates the miserable ness. Does the music create the situation or does he listen because of the situation, but then the music only makes it worse? James did what I am doing now, while listening to that music (or watching movies) he built up this fantasy in his head, and the reality doesn't match the dream.
With that in mind, the dream I built up in my head was the restaurant scene in the end would be recreated for us. James would tell me he figured out it was just a fantasy he created and that there will always be fantasy's, but they are just that, a fantasy. When faced with reality everybody has their problems, and he would realize what we had wasn't so bad after all and maybe the reality of being with his son was more important and that he wanted to work this out with me. Instead of having one foot out of our relationship he was ready to put both feet in, in an effort to try. I was dreaming.
One thing I have learned from all of this is you have to tell the person you love what you feel. You cannot assume they know. You have to tell people what you want or else you might not get it. Part of me wants to write to James explain my feelings about the weekend to him, but part of me just wants it to be cut and dry and over. I still want him back, but I never know what to do. I never know if I should leave it alone or tell him what I feel. I don't which one pushes him away. It always seems that no matter what I do I lose.
4/28/01
I emailed James and suggested that I bring Tom out to visit him for his birthday. Considering the problems it would cause him with her, I did not figure he would even consider it. He surprised me. Apparently he is thinking about it, but then I told him we are a package deal. Tom will always be in my presence, no taking him off alone. I think it will be the deal breaker. I don't want her anywhere near Tom, and if I let James take him, I am sure he would go there.
Then there was another interesting thing. I have mentioned his connection to music and how he builds all this stuff up. When I called he was listening to "As if we never said good-bye" from Sunset Boulevard. I could only hope that maybe there is a meaning to it. I was listening to it myself recently and thinking of us. I could only hope he was doing that too. It is just not a radio song, or something you just pop in. It was a conscious choice, so I just wonder?
4/30/01
Am I vain, or what? Why would I think his listening to that song would have anything to do with me? Besides the fact it really isn't a love song. Maybe he was referring to her? Maybe things are going so well for them, it was if they had never said good-bye. Maybe he was just listening to a musical? Whatever!
Tom did all this cool stuff over the weekend so I emailed James to tell him about it. He responded about Tom, but didn't even mention my suggestion of coming to visit, which may mean it isn't going to happen. If he said he wants me to come now it angers me because why should it be that hard to decide. It's his son. You think he would jump at the chance, but that witch is standing in the way. I so regret making the offer to come out, letting my generosity be used. He has yet to treat me with any respect or concern, yet I still bend over backwards for him. What kind of sick person am I?
5/9/01
So the glutton for punishment I am, I went to California. I had Steve drive me to the airport, even though I was very conflicted about asking him. I was very conflicted about him doing that. I could not bring myself to really talk to Steve about why I was going. I told him it was because I was being stupid and I was. Steve has done so much for me and we have spent so much time together. Going to California to see a spouse who has deserted me is in some way betraying this man who really does seem to care about me. However, in the end I think the trip turned out to be a very good thing for me. This is a copy of the letter I wrote James after I got home.
Dear James,
Thank you very much for everything including giving me such a beautiful son.
Overall, it was a really nice trip and I am very glad I came. It was really great to have things be nice and to feel like a family, even if it was only for a couple of days.
Tuesday when I went to San Jose to visit my teaching buddies, it really hit home that I don't regret what's happened. I miss you and raising Tom alone is very hard, but I am glad I don't live in that condo. I am glad I don't have to deal with traffic. I am glad I do not have to deal with the feelings I had when you would get home late. I am glad that because I am in Utah I did not have to go back to work. I am glad because overall I think Utah is a better place to raise a child. I am glad he lives in such a nice house and I am glad because I have so much family here that has been so supportive and loving to Tom. He just would have been alone with us if nothing had changed, so as awful as it is, I really think it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for Tom. Yes, he is without a father, but I think the positives he has gotten out of this makes up for it, (wouldn't it be perfect if he could have all this and a father too!) I think making that trip was the best thing I have done for both of us in months! I really didn't think that would be the case going into it. In fact I was afraid it was going to be an uncomfortable out-of-control nightmare! So thanks.
5/10/01
James wrote back and said “Thanks. I am glad you felt it was a positive trip.” I flew off the handle. He did not seem hurt or irked at all by what I had to say. I would have expected him to say “I am sorry that you felt your time in California was so awful. I thought we had it pretty good.” Not thanks! I think James intentionally ignores the negative aspects of this so he doesn't have to face or admit to the damage he is causing. No matter how many positives come out of this now or in the future as long as Tom does not live with both parents together that negative will overpower and cancel out any positives no matter how many, because that is the single most important factor in raising the most healthy child possible. It will not matter that I live in a house or that I do not have to deal with traffic or that I live in Utah or even that he has the support of all my family. Nothing can replace a father. The only pervasive issue in all of this is that Tom does not have a father. I am trying so hard to change the negatives into positives with no help from him! I hope every day he wakes up with Chris and looks at him he remembers what his son is living without. He has become the father of someone else's son and abandoned his own!
He does not even remotely comprehends how difficult being the single mother of an infant really is. It is incredibly hard to focus on or even see positives when your life is a living hell everyday and that has nothing to do with what is going on with James and I. It has to do with being the only one who is up all hours of the night feeding and soothing, being alone at one when your child is sick and having no one to talk to. It has to with being at your ropes end with a screaming colicky infant and not having anyone to help. You are home alone, everyday day, the sole caregiver of this tiny precious life. Being a single mother is a prison term in your own house. If he stays with her, I do not think I can forgive him for the undeserved punishment Tom and I are living everyday! While he ran off to be happy it made our lives a daily hell, and he doesn't even care, because his happiness was more important than anything else.
5/12/01
After being very upset after not receiving anything from him for our Anniversary, Christmas, my birthday, and (I thought) Mother's Day I wrote to Adam this morning to ask what's been going on between he and Scarlett in terms of gift exchanges. They have both been way more considerate to each other than James has been to me! What I found out that really made me irate, however, was about Scarlett’s pension for giving people picture frames as gifts. Then the first gift James sends me in over a year what is it? A freakin’ picture frame. I wanted to kill him.
James saying the present was something from Tom really means very little to me right now. All I desired was recognition from James not Tom. Recognition of the detestable place his choices have put me in, and despite them I have done a magnificent job of raising his child completely alone. Recognition that he values I am the mother of his child and he thinks I am doing a good job. That is all I have wanted from the time Tom was born. If James could have valued my role as caregiver and mother in the days and weeks after Tom’s birth I probably would not have left, but he did not try to help me. He did not care about my well being and he expressed absolutely no feelings towards me whatsoever.
How can James expect me to celebrate Mother's Day? He ruined my life by making me a single mother. He made my life a living hell by using me as a sperm receptacle then walking out. How can he ask me to celebrate that? I did everything in my life to make sure that before I had a child everything was perfect. I received a degree of higher education. I had a professional career. I traveled the world. I spent quality time with my husband. Stupid me believed everything was perfect and in place for bringing a child into the world. James wrecked all my work and all my dreams. My first mother's day should have been another one of the best days of my life, but yet again it is something James robbed from me because all it was a painful reminder of the nightmare he has made my life.
My problem has always been to not see things for face value and to trust them. I was working very hard on that with my counselor. I thought I was making progress, but when I learned I could not trust the one and only person I had ever completely trusted, I took a huge slide backwards. Now it will take me a long time to accept anything from anyone at face value and trust anyone again. Thank you James for robbing me of that too.
Now that Tom is nine months old and starting to develop more of a personality, James seems to be having a harder time leaving my house and living with his choices. Before Tom was born James would call him a “wild card,” as if Tom were some inanimate object. James would say he did not know how the “wild card” would play into his decision to stay with me. I used to detest the analogy, but maybe it is not so bad because a wild card is always the most coveted card in the deck. How could he not have known Tom would have that effect on him? A wild card always beats out the queen of hearts. A wild card beats any other card, and that is the way it should be!
James had decided he was giving me "one final try" without telling me what he was doing. Could he be putting Scarlett on trial now? He is decided he is going to give Scarlett a year to see how things go before he decides to sign the papers? Or some other kind of decision or evaluation standard that I am not aware of? I don’t know why he isn’t signing, but somehow I need to force the issue. I wish he would sign the freaking papers and get out of my life!
5/13/01
Adam informed me he had received medical bills for a visit Scarlett made to an Urgent Care office. He said he thought for a half second it looked like pregnancy tests. I hope that since James and Scarlett are both still legally married to someone else they have extremely redundant security measures with their birth control when they have sex!
5/15/01
What you teach your child is the only legacy you will have that will live on after you are gone. To live your life and know that you have made a positive difference in the life your child is the most important job you will ever have as a human being. And you can tell your children what you believe to be right and moral, but children learn more from example than from words. Are these the morals James wants to teach his son? Is this the example he wants to set? I certainly hope that since Tom is living with me that my example will do more to help teach him morals, the value of marriage and the value of the feelings of other human beings. James has shown that lovers can come and go, but a child will always be part of your life and that’s the most important thing.
5/18/01
Everything James says and does says he is confident he is going to stay with her, so why hasn't he signed? Not signing sends the biggest mixed message of all, but everything else he does is shows he is ready for the marriage to be over. They have already been living together as man and wife for seven months, yet they are still both married to someone else. Why? Why they both still married?
He cannot keep living with her, and not sign. He cannot sit on the fence and play me this way any longer, not like this. I will go to a lawyer and force it if I have to, and that will cost us both a lot more money and it isn't something I want to do, but what he is doing is morally wrong and it is absolutely mentally destructive to me, and it doesn't have to be that way.


5/20/01
If he is still trying to find a reason to want to come back, then I wish he would not. By now if we are not something he can't live without, then he needs to sign. If he has to find a reason then he does not have the love he needs to rebuild this relationship. So if he does not want us, desperately want us, then sign the papers. I'm through with this! It would be very difficult for me to take him back into my house and into my bed knowing where he has been. What he has done is just so evil. I am better off without him.
5/21/01
I received a call from my lawyer today saying he had finally talked to James’s lawyer. I was shocked when he told me both lawyers were under the impression James wanted reconciliation and I was preventing it. Whatever! After talking with my lawyer he advised me that I ought to tell James how things would have to be in order for us to get back together because it might help him make up his mind. Why bother telling him? I know he really isn’t thinking of reconciliation. He is just using it as an excuse to dodge them and make me look like the bad guy. But, regardless I sent James this list of conditions:
Things I would need to happen to get back together:
1) go to counseling separate and together for at least six months.
2) Go to bed at the same time every night together, and I mean go to bed not watch t.v. or read a book.
3) Bank accounts will remain separate.
4) We would renew vows and I would get a new wedding ring – not like the one I have from Kmart now!
5) He would get home from work by an agreed upon time every day.
6) Only have the TV on for two hours a day.
7) Family meeting once a week to discuss feelings and how things are going.
8) Date night without Tom, out of the house for at least two hours every week. We'd take turns planning.
9) He has to talk to me about his feelings and emotions.
10) I want Tom to go to a church of our mutual choosing.
5/28/01
He finally signed! His decision had nothing to do with me or my list of conditions. It turns out that as Adam had suspected, Scarlett is pregnant. No matter which way James went now he would leave a child hanging in the balance. He has already broken my heart and left Tom, so he might as well stay with her. I just can’t believe it took her getting pregnant for him to sign. I wonder if she got pregnant to trap him into staying with her? It was unacceptable enough they both cheated on their spouses let alone moved in together while still married to other people, but to not practice safe sex is absolutely morally stupid and despicable! I have nothing more to say. At least he finally signed!