Just Between Ex’s
Sometime in August I was sitting at home one day when I received a surprising phone call. On the other end of the line was Scarlett’s husband. He called me because he was trying to gather information to try to understand the truth of what was going on with his wife. He obviously did not believe the stories she was telling him, so he wanted to talk to me to compare our information. It was no surprise to learn that the stories were different for both of us. James told me he was leaving to be with Scarlett. Scarlett had not told Adam she was definitely leaving, but she did admit to having an affair. Adam’s reaction to learning about the affair wasn’t terribly different from me at first. At one point he had taken a rope into the garage and had strung it up around the bar for the garage door opener and was preparing to hang himself from it, when Scarlett walked in on him and professed her love and commitment to Adam. Since our spouses were less than forthcoming about the truth and about what was going on, Adam and I found that comparing notes was very insightful. We learned more about the truth of where our own marriages stood and how to deal emotionally with that information. Eventually we moved from phone calls to emails. A few days after giving birth to my son, I found myself home alone all day with nothing to do but focus on my life, so the relationship Adam I developed became a great strength.
9/7/00
Me: I gave birth Sunday; hence James is home pretty much full time now, and things are not well. He saw a lawyer last week and went through all the boxes I had packed and said soon we should discuss finances. Those are not good signs. My thought was to wait until I felt good enough to see a lawyer myself and then make arrangements to move. He has been living here the last three weeks, although he has been in a separate room. He has been nicer than ever taking care of me like never before. It doesn't make any sense to me. He said he wants to try to be here "just for the kid" for a month or two and then "maybe he'll find a reason to want to be with me.” It is a pretty feeble statement, so I don't know if I want to stick around under those circumstances.
9/12/00
Adam: Congratulations! I hope you are as happy to be a mom as I was to be a dad. It is a whole new life now, not just for your son, but for you as well. I hope and pray for the best for you and your family.
Me: Considering I have had no emotional support from the person I am supposed to be married to I am doing fine.
Adam: I am truly sorry to hear that. I was hopeful the birth had changed his attitude towards things at least enough for you to feel better and more supported. I know my fatherly instincts were not immediate. Not because I didn't care for my son, but rather because I wasn't sure how to express those emotions towards the new fellow in my life. It did come with time, however.
Me: I am not as much of a wreck about having Tom home as I thought I would be.
Adam: Just try to keep your wits about you for your son's sake. He will need you, and you him. You will be thankful when everything happens that he's there with you.
Me: Have you been able to move back in with Scarlett?
Adam: I don't mean to be facetious, but as I indicated earlier my interest here is in knowing you and your son will be okay going forward. To be quite honest, I have viewed your actions and your words with some measure of concern. I did not see what you were doing as equal to the ideal laid out for you by "Relationship Rescue,” in that you are ultimately responsible to yourself for you own well-being and contentment. You seemed intent on striking out at others and throwing blame, rather than trying as hard as you could to heal yourself and build a foundation for your life going forward, no matter what your life might hold for you. Ultimately, your happiness will depend on your care for yourself, and then your son, in that order and any happiness you might gain from James in the future will be dependent upon how well you've managed those primary goals and responsibilities first. It is my hope you can find strength and happiness for your life within yourself and through motherhood. So, to reiterate, I am not after information about James, and I'm not looking to supply any information about Scarlett and myself. I am interested in making sure your life is running in a positive direction (through whatever very minor role I can through my advice), rather than a continued downward spiral. I can tell you this: I feel as if I am on the right track. It is in no small part because of heavy self-inspection, brought about because of "Relationship Rescue," "Life Strategies," and "After the Affair." Taking responsibility for one's actions and facing one's demons on a level playing field, are what allows a person to take control of his or her life, and deal from a position of maturity and self-fulfillment that are prerequisite for a happy and well-lived life. I urge you to try to find this kind of peace and understanding for yourself.
9/14/00
Me: I’m speechless. I don't know how to respond.
Adam: I thought that might be the case. I do tend to come off tough-love preachy, but I'm thinking it's the best way to get through the cloud of confusion, fear, and hurt permeating your life.
Me: Why do you think I am still lashing out?
Adam: Your letter to Scarlett was very counter-productive. You took no responsibility for your own actions, laying a great deal of the blame on Scarlett's shoulders. While it is entirely within your power to point blame any direction you choose, it doesn't make you right about what you believe. At the same time, and perhaps more importantly, it's also entirely within your power to accept your own responsibility for what's happened (see Doctor Phil's work for a reference to this. He talks about this particular topic a lot more in Life Strategies, but there's plenty in Relationship Rescue as well), as well as the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you need to do for you, not for anyone. There can be tremendous power and healing in both accepting your responsibilities and living up to them, allowing forgiveness in your heart so dark thoughts do not turn to dark actions and overrule the important good forces in your life necessary for positive outcomes. I wanted to tell you not to send the letter, because it would not do any good for anyone involved. Even now, I'm not asserting what Scarlett's true reaction to it was; I'm simply saying it was a doomed project from the start. Outcome one could have been that Scarlett told James to take a hike. Then he's just settling for you and you've taught him it's okay to treat you badly. It'd be a temporary situation, as many issues would still be in your way. Outcome two might have been that you really upset Scarlett which would galvanize her against you, and make your cause that much more difficult. I'm not saying she'd actively work against you, but she certainly would lose any impetus she might have had to be supportive. It was lose-lose. Not only that, but you were working to control another person's actions, which is never an advisable tactic. You were asking Scarlett to do the dirty work to make it happen. Any outcome borne of such treachery is bound to fail, don't you think? Lest you think I'm just spouting my own stupid opinions without basis, I have participated in far too many attempts to control people. I've acted on really bad plans, and I've taught people to treat me in really horrible and underhanded ways, all the time thinking it was a winning proposition. I fully admit that I'm far from perfect. I was wrong to do these things, but I'm still learning as I go.
Me: Part of me still makes excuses for why James has done this.
Adam: James doesn't deserve to be allowed excuses, however much wallowing in excuses might fit into the lowered lifestyle he seems destined to build around him, but you need to treat yourself more maturely and respectfully.
Me: I don’t feel I have really been in a position to make too many choices for myself. I feel everything about this situation has been forced upon me.
Adam: That is an excuse for you. You have had the power to allow people to hurt you and you have allowed it. You have had the power to not allow the dark thoughts to overwhelm your sense of honor and self-respect and you haven't asserted that power. You've had the power to decide you're going to move forward in a positive direction without hindrances from your husband or the situation he has created around you. You're not doing that. To borrow Dr. Phil's words, you have had the power to change the way in which you've taught James to treat you. The way you're asking to be treated right now is not the way any self-respecting person should be treated. You're asking to be kicked and slammed as a martyr. No matter what it is that still ties you to someone who's so abusive to you, try to look at it in at least the rational point of view that you would not, could not, love someone who is whiny and weak, lies in front of you, asking to be pitied and punished, begging for your mercy. You need a strong sense of self, a sense of boundary, power and self-worth. Only then will someone be able to respect you and feel love and closeness to you. Other people respond to power and confidence; they shy from weakness and pathetic behavior in relationships, and rush to those things in abusive ones.
Me: I feel my ability to give and be everything James wanted was limited during my pregnancy.
Adam: As strong as my proceeding words are, let me say how crushed my spirit has been at the prospect of what you've been going though, not just at its basic level, but also while in the throes of such a biological and emotional kick-in-the-gut as pregnancy must be for a woman. If there were any room for excuse in this situation, this would apply in no small measure.
Me: But now it is over and I really have to face reality.
Adam: Your reality going forward is going to depend in no small part on what you make it. What you have to do now is to decide for yourself, how your life is going to run from now on. It's not about whether you're going to be with James or not. Your marriage may be over, but your relationship with James is going to last the rest of your life. James and his son will need to have every opportunity to form a proper relationship, and as painful as it may be for you, you have a duty (and not because I say so, but because you're going to know deep down inside for yourself, that it's a necessary part of who you are so you can respect yourself) to make sure that they have those opportunities. It’s about living your life so you are happy, nothing more. Griping and lamenting your losses is never going to make you happy. You'll be bitter and sore. You may appear to many people to have a right to be those things, but you really don't have the right to put limits on your own spirit. It's a disastrous thing to do to yourself to give up your power that way, wrapped up in a comfy warm wrapper that makes the role of martyr look so appealing, but that's a false front, and it just serves to destroy you from the inside, so you're no good to yourself or anyone else.
Me: Part of me was very happy with who I was (except for my weight) so I didn't think I needed to change much, especially for someone who wasn't committed to me, so I haven't changed in any way that would make James happier.
Adam: First, who says James is made happier? Who says the things you need to do to take care of yourself are in any way supportive of him or his efforts to be selfish and destructive? Second, presuming for a moment anything you do might make him happy, and therefore might support his treatment of you – so what? Can you understand the amount of power you give to James when you do that? You're saying you'd rather be miserable, self-loathing, and playing the victim because to give up that wonderful package might make James feel better in some way. I know how warm and fuzzy the feelings of vengeance can be. You think they give you strength and control over the situation. You feel the strength in yourself as you allow yourself to sink deeper into hurt in order to hurt another. You're showing strength. He's suffering. Pretty good package deal, right? I hope you're seeing what I'm saying. I'm obviously not trying to be subtle here. It should, hopefully, be clear to you how ridiculous that thinking is. If you don't want to be nice or supportive of James, then don't. But first, you have to be nice to and supportive of yourself; so you actually possess those items you're trying to hoard from him.
Me: I admire the strength in your message, it sounds like you are being successful.
Adam: Please proceed with caution and care here. This is a long, slow process, and you don't want to make any sudden moves. Things that seem like they're for you at first glance might turn out to not be that way, so the key here is to evaluate everything you do for awhile very carefully, asking if it seems right for you initially and then continues to do so a while later. I can spout on about all the power you've had to change things, about how you didn't use that power. It might appear as if I'm tossing some blame your way (why didn't you smell the coffee earlier?), but the truth is, it's very, very tough to accomplish these things and my being flippant about it doesn't really help anything. You haven't acted differently so far because the time wasn't right for you to do so. Believe me when I say this has been a very difficult time for me, and a lot of my strength is something that is surfacing after a long period of dormancy. I still proceed with very light steps because it's tough to know one's own path when one has been blind to it for so long. We're all here with just ourselves in the driver's seat. It's our responsibility to make sure we make the best of it. Keep reading your “Relationship Rescue,” especially the parts that talk about how you define your relationships with other people. If you're of the mind, you might try to get a hold of “Life Strategies.” A lot of this theory comes from that. Once you've decided, proceed slowly and with caution trying to make calm, mature, thoughtful decisions and then follow through. My understanding is as a woman, you're going to have a very tough time defining your boundaries. You're going to let James get to you. He can collapse those boundaries with very little effort. Heck, you still feel he's part of you, so there are few boundaries there. You have to learn to reestablish those limits, so you know where you end and the rest of the world begins. Then protect that division, so you make your moves without undue outside influences. You're in this for yourself (and then, later, for your son as well). Eventually, you'll get back to the core of you that once existed. I'm betting that girl is the one that James admired and was drawn towards. You want to be her again, perhaps even achieve a more improved version of her. By then you'll be having so much enjoyment, life will just flow right and if James is the guy benefiting with being with that person, then lucky him and if not, so what?
Me: Religion is one of the parts of me I know I lost when I chose James. At the moment, however, I am not sure how I feel about the loss.
Adam: I don't think you lost anything. You might not practice certain rituals or behave in certain prescribed ways, but faith is not something we forget, erase, or lose. Either God’s there for you and you've been ignoring Him, or He never really was there and you were just part of a big club with very defined rules.
I think James has discovered that reality is not nearly as good as the fantasy. His and Scarlett's problems stem from the fact she has terrible mood swings. One moment everything is wonderful and the next moment she's giving James a really hard time.
I found an email between James and his friend Mike. In it James said it was nice dealing with you because he could relax and feel comfortable. With Scarlett he's constantly walking on eggshells. He never knows when she's going to explode. Right now her biggest thing is your divorce settlement. She feels James has given in to you on too many points and she wants him to fight it.
He seems to feel he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. There's no going back. He did say if he could go back in time he would go back to last June. Ian asked him if he wouldn't want to go back to before the affair and he said no, that he needed to get it out of his system but he wishes you had never found out.
4/10/01
Me: James doesn't regret anything now and that is important. If he regrets it a few months from now or a few years from now, who cares?
Adam: You might care and it would be better if you wouldn’t say to him there's no going back.
Me: The person you who are married to should share the same moral values as you. Your morals and view of marriage should not be flexible issues!
Adam: I don't see you two ever seeing eye to eye on this. For that matter, I was shocked -- downright shocked -- that Scarlett could act as she did. It doesn't jive with the person I knew as my wife. That fact has a lot to do with my recovery from the situation and my realization she and I are simply not right for one another whether that's what's best for Chris or not. It's the signing of a piece of Man's Law that has you bent out of shape? To me, if you can forgive and get past the first series of sins, then signing the divorce paperwork is pretty minor by comparison.
Me: Knowing James I can understand what he did with Scarlett, that is why I can forgive it, but signing the papers says something about me. It says he doesn't care for me. I am not important to him. Our marriage meant nothing at all. That I cannot forgive.
Adam: That's just wacky. I don't see how you can justify this, but I guess I'm just not able to see it on your level. It's probably a gender issue. To you, sleeping with her is one thing, but to divorce you means an emotional attachment to her that you can't handle. For a guy, the sex would be the deal breaker. I do laugh a bit when I think about James wanting to "get it out of his system." I almost committed suicide because I was too bull headed to not believe in something so strongly, and just let go and learn not to let her get to me so strongly. What a waste it would have been had I died.
Me: I don't believe it would be a waste if I died. I actually believe it would be in my son's best interest for me not to be here.
Adam: You'd rather he be with James? That's what that would mean. Chris and Tom as stepbrothers? What are you thinking? Your being bitter and whiny about James will do much more harm to Tom's self-esteem than the fact there's no daddy in the picture. Worse than that would be if you checked out (either literally, or figuratively) as his mother. If you want to hate James forever, then do, but try to shield Tom from your anger. Do not think that subverting those feelings or your not being around him will in any way help him. It's not true. If you get hysterical you'll only hurt what you're trying to accomplish.
Me: Months ago I told him nicely and politely it was time to sign the divorce papers and move on because being held in limbo like this causes me to suffer. He didn't care. He says he’s still thinking about what he wants to do, and he still hasn't signed.
Adam: That either means he's not ready to, he's too lazy to do it, or he's actually listening to Scarlett and her nagging about trying to drag things out.
4/11/01
Me: So, how do I handle James not signing?
Adam: You should wait to see what happens; you should foster the lines of communication with him so you can know what he's thinking and try to be honest. I am sorry that this is so hard for you. Every day, I thank God for taking me out of a bad situation and improving my life day by day so it only gets better. It's not always easy and I fear a bit for Chris's happiness, but that's all I concentrate on: me being happy so he'll be happy around me. I wish it could be the same for you. If I could find it so hard to be married to her, it's possible James might too. I kept at it for ten years though, so this is quite possibly going to be the longest period of patience you'll ever have to have. I don't see it going on that long, but I am afraid it won't be a quick realization for him and you might have to accept some very tough things to get there. But if you can really look deep inside and know what you want, then you should keep after those things no matter what. I believe anything worth having is worth fighting for and anything worth fighting for is worth fighting for with all you have, all the way.
4/14/01
Me: I think he is starting to figure out and realize what he gave up, but it doesn’t make a huge difference.
Adam: It might. Remember, I was really surprised to hear that James was interested in this relationship with Scarlett because of sex. I'm not casting aspersions in her direction as far as her interest or abilities in that area, but I was very surprised to hear about basing a relationship with her on that. It's just not a major focus in her life. She likes sex and enjoys having it, but my experience with her was not one where I could ever imagine it turning into a focal point in her day. Daily intercourse seemed far out of the question. I figured James had that special something that would provide impetus for her to be different, but it's hard to believe after thirteen years of knowing her, I didn't have a better handle on her sexual focus. I'm now believing James misunderstood her interest in intercourse as far as being on balance with his and he's now seeing that. If you pick and paw at her, she does not appreciate it and while the honeymoon phase for them might have meant a lot of new experiences for him, I doubt it would last long term.
Me: I knew that too and tried to tell him, but he was convinced it was different! Yet, he still hasn't made up his mind about leaving me. He said the one thing he wants me do is move back to California. I will not do that under these circumstances.
Adam: I'd be wary of anything that puts you back in California, which would be all to his (legal) advantage.
Me: He hates it in Utah and he doesn't want to come back.
Adam: You hated California, so why should you come back here? He needs to decide how badly he wants whatever it is he wants.
Me: I will not return to California until I am convinced Tom and I are the only priorities in his life.
Adam: If you were to move to California, ever, you'd be taking Tom away from relatives who were there to support you when you needed them. Are you really willing to do that to them, after how they supported you, all to be with a man who did nothing right by you from the moment he got you knocked up? I don't think you ever should. You'll give up what support you have where you are and become dependent on him again. It sounds like a set-up to destroy your ability to own your home and get on with your life of your own.
Me: He told me that for Tom's sake we should live closer. I agree, but he left me for another woman, so he can come to me. But do you think she would ever let him move near me and take her son away from his father? No way! The situation is doomed!
Adam: No, I don't think she'd come there, and I certainly don't want her to. But I do think that he should come to you if he's interested in fixing this and getting back to you and he as a couple.
Me: To convince me he’s willing to fix us he will have to come to me, here in Utah. I don't think he grasps that yet, but at this point it is a non-issue. I also told him if he signed the papers I wouldn't be surprised. I would be more surprised if he came back. He said he would try to make up his mind as to whether or not he was going to sign this week. To which my reply was, “If you do not know what you really want, but you can still sign those papers then divorce doesn't really mean much to you. If it is something you can take so lightly, I can't be around someone who can take it or leave it. Marriage is not that kind of commitment to me.”
Adam: The big question I have in my mind is how much is this guy willing to risk in life? If he sees the truth that he built the fantasy in his mind way too high and it's now come toppling down, is he willing to risk that coming back to you might work? Or will he simply stick with what he has, because it's safe and secure; at least in the short term?
Me: Knowing James, he would stick with what he has because he doesn't want to admit defeat or a poor choice.
Adam: That's a big-time bummer. It takes a real man to admit those things. How unfortunate.
Me: He couldn’t admit he’s made mistakes because then he would have to admit he has hurt people.
Adam: No, no, actually this makes some sense. I'm starting to think he's more mentally challenged than a jerk at this point. Perhaps he really does try to do the right thing; it's just his thinking is extremely clouded by his seventeen-year-old "gotta get me some" mentality.
Me: If he left her now, instead of hurting one person, he hurts two. If she is still holding on to him, even if his fantasy is shattered, he may think he has an obligation to be with her since she left you for him. Yes, it was a huge risk to leave me and I don't think he really has the nerve to take that kind of a risk twice.
Adam: I think the reason for Scarlett's decision to be with him was based on how impressive it was to her that he would take such risks. She romanticized he couldn't do such things to you (and would never do that to her). But when he did, it was so obvious he must really feel for her to do that to his life, his wife, and his son. Thing is, this won't last. The way he's acting, it just won't. The way it is to live with her, it's just too wearing on a person. I couldn't really see it until I was out of the picture for a significant amount of time too. Believe me, if he thinks she's moody now, just wait.
Me: I made the mistake of being impressed by risks he took too. Besides, why would she be impressed with what he did? He didn't do anything. I am the one that filed and kicked him out!
Adam: It's the risk I'm talking about, not the actions. Remember, as a woman she's looking at emotional content, not physical action. He did participate in writing her letters and he did participate in the whining "My life with her sucks. I love you" conversations.
Me: I still don’t know why she would be that impressed. Truth be known James is in the same place mentally he was seven or eight months ago. The only reason he moved in with her is because I made him sell the house and he is too cheap to pay rent so he had no where else to go. She probably doesn’t know how cheap he is. Even though I have left, he still talks about being with me. Nothing has changed; he doesn't know what he wants. Being impressed he could do this, frankly, that is sick.
Adam: No, it's just the female mind at work (a bit twisted in its thinking, but still). How are women raised in this culture? To romanticize relationships with men. To believe in the knight on the white horse, who takes care of all the troubles and sweeps her off her feet. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not even saying that I know for a fact that she feels this way; it's just that's the only way I can see this having happened as it did that makes any kind of sense to me. As I was talking to a mutual friend in Santa Cruz, who has only recently found out about the divorce, she was incredulous about the whole thing. Of course, she figured it was all my doing. I'm the man after all. When she found out it was Scarlett and her first boyfriend/lover, I found myself actually defending Scarlett; as I was asked "how could she do that? Doesn't she see that he'd do that to her too?" I have to believe it's because she over-romanticized the whole thing.
Me: Why would you want to be with someone who could walk out on their newborn child (I guess I should ask myself that too). But when I really take a look, she initiated the whole thing. She started the phone sex.
Adam: It really doesn’t matter how it started because he was way into it, "I promise I'll do better next time" She did apologize for starting it, but he was completely against the apology saying, "Oh, no, I don't mind!" Anyway, it's entirely inappropriate to try to pin this on any one person or event.
Me: She sent the love letter to our house, and with his immature “gotta get me some” mentality, he didn't say no. Only when I found out did his world unravel. I filed. I kicked him out. I moved. I made him sell the house. I did everything. He was doing nothing and he is still doing nothing.
Adam: Aha, but, he is suffering through a very lousy commute to spend time with her. From her perspective, what he's doing might be just fine.
Me: I mentioned James would be to afraid to leave her now. What about her? If she didn't really think he could leave me, yet he did, might she feel that she owes it to him to be there for him? Even though she doesn't like it, would she stick it out?
Adam: She'll stick it out because she doesn't know what a great relationship is like. She doesn't know because she's too afraid to let the men in her life be autonomous. They have to be under her control, because she's too afraid things won't work out otherwise.
Me: James would never have gotten involved with anything like this except for with Scarlett.
Adam: Not true. He's built to cheat. There's no such thing as a one-time cheater.
Me: I also believe Scarlett was just looking for an out and James was there.
Adam: While you might be right about this, you cannot reduce the entire situation down to just that. She may have just used him as the out, but he was pining away for her for years. When he saw what seemed like his one and only chance, he took it.
Me: I don't really think she has fantasized about James all these years.
Adam: No, but she did keep the relationship alive and in secret. They were exchanging letters all that time and I know she used to drive over the hill from Santa Cruz to meet with him for lunch. She kept it as secret from me as she could.
Me: Until George told me a few weeks ago, I never knew they met for lunch. That is one thing I hated about the Silicon Valley compared to the town I was from. At home I could get across town in fifteen minutes. James and I worked ninety minutes away from each other. I was always felt heartbroken we could never meet for lunch. Now I know why it didn’t seem to bother him. He was meeting another woman, and he had never had a reason to hide his meetings with her unless there was a guilty intent from the start.
Scarlett has just never been without a man. She needed one to make the break and good old James was there to help out.
Adam: Because of their history and the constant relationship they kept going he did represent something special to her. Even though I'm pretty happy to be out of this relationship it doesn't mean it was all gloom and doom or that I was unhappy. It's just how many men would love to have the body of a twenty something, the income of a fifty something, the maturity (and, let's face it, the sexual know-how) of a thirty something, and with all that be placed onto the market for eligible single women? It's fantasy meets reality for me. I'm not convinced she would not have worked on the relationship had James not proved available and interested at the time that he did, coming right in the middle of serious emotional turmoil for Scarlett with my sister-in-law and the live-in situation. She fooled herself into believing the relationship they were developing so closely once we moved back to Modesto was all based around his helping her with that situation. Of course with James's historical obsession with her, he did all he could to prove interested in much more than and she took that attention at a sorely needed time and ran with it. She had a new baby, a husband that was gone two nights a week, and a sister-in-law and nephew that she had no skills to deal with living her house. She was completely vulnerable. Ironically it was a situation she designed. She's going to realize fantasy and reality don't quite mesh.
Me: You don’t need to remind me about their constant relationship. Everything she wrote after he went to college talked about how special their relationship was and how she never wanted to lose it. Every single thing! Even down to monologues she would write on the back of pictures said how much she didn’t want to lose him! Even on the back of your wedding photo.
Adam: Yet you continue to insist you had no clue, no sign trouble was brewing.
Me: I didn't have a problem with continued friendship. I didn't appreciate how disgustingly stuck on her he was. Which was clear every time he talked about her crystal blue eyes. I miss my first love too. I think everyone does, so I didn't really put much stock into it. I didn't know how stuck in the past he was.
Adam: I can't believe that. From everything you've told me, it was pretty clear to you.
Me: Obviously not or I would have done something a long time ago. I would have felt intensely threatened by the letter she sent to our house. However, I thought it was funny. I never read it. I never even pushed James about its contents. I just let it be. I felt secure enough in our marriage not be threatened. In retrospect I understand why our friend, George, so seriously asked me why I thought it was funny.
Adam: When was this? Was George in the know a lot earlier then?
Me: In November about a week after the letter arrived.
Adam: So the letter came around the time of the phone sex. I wonder if she wrote it before or after I confronted her about the whole thing. She was quite adamant there was nothing going on until I came clean about reading the e-mail. So she had already written the letter and was entirely lying, or she decided, screw it when she found out she was caught and went for broke.
Me: George knew everything from day one. He supported James in leaving me. James used him as a cover-up many times to get out of the house. When they hooked up at the Stockton show, George was my chaperone to make sure I didn’t find out they were meeting on the side. James has always been jealous of George’s sexual prowess so James bragged to him about everything they were doing. It was George who told me just how far their physical relationship had gone.
Adam: I don’t doubt James would brag, not since Tim told Scarlett (in front of me) that James said "Scarlett is the only one. She's the only one that's ever been. No one else will ever matter. This one I'm with now is just a sperm receptacle." Then Lisa broke in with something like "But this one is new. So I guess she's just sperm receptacle number two." I can't believe they told her, let alone right in front of me.
Me: So she really does care about him, but I don't think she cares enough about him to put him first, and to me that is the kind of caring you should have with your marriage partner. I think if you loved someone you would never encourage them to walk out on their newborn child. If she really cared she would not be encouraging him to fight me on our decree because she would be just as concerned that Tom was able to have a mom at home just like Chris. She would be concerned James and I have a good parenting relationship rather than provoking me. Her actions scream of selfishness and a what's in it for me attitude, not looking out for James and being concerned about him or his child. She would be encouraging James to experiment and find out what was right, rather than keeping him on a leash and not letting him out of her sight. I can see so much of what has happened since July as being totally controlled by her. She is afraid and I don't think she is afraid of losing James or afraid he won't be happy or even afraid she won't be happy. She's just afraid of being alone and starting over.
Adam: I think she's smart enough to realize she picked a jerk that could do the same thing to her that he did to you. She has to keep him under control or else he'll cheat on her too.
Me: If she keeps James on as short of a leash as you seem to think, I don’t think he will do well.
Adam: But like you said he's getting sex. He's getting the girl and nothing else much matters to him. That's where he is. That's where he'll be stuck. Life is a funny place. We chose the people in our lives because they enrich our lives and we grow together and continue to enjoy being with one another. Why does a commitment have to mean a leash and collar? Commitment is commitment. No one wants to be bound in his behavior. He has to feel he has free-will, is able to choose those things that make him happy. You're treating this as if he should come back to you because of his vows not his feelings. Just let his feelings on the subject blossom (however they might), and stop trying to guilt him back with the leash of the marriage contract.
Me: No, it's not about guilt. I don't care what decision he makes, but he needs to know how I feel before making that decision. I do want him back based on feelings. He had free will and he chose to marry me. He chose to cheat. He has the free will to go with her but he isn't signing the divorce papers! At this point I don't care what he does as long as he does something!
Adam: But you keep arguing that he should simply come back because he is married to you, like that covenant is everlasting and immutable. In the old days religions helped to push this idea about marriage (we are, after all, a bunch of self-absorbed halfwits, and sometimes it takes the fear of God to keep us on track), but few people believe in that view any more, and even fewer think it can actually work out when you are bound to stay in a relationship forever because of a decision. We should stay in relationships forever only when they continue to support us and our mutual happiness.
Me: I disagree; as his wife he should be committed to me period, end of story. That is what the license means. It is what the commitment meant; otherwise why get the piece of paper at all? You don’t get married because it makes it socially acceptable to have sex or to make other people happy. Getting married means you are making a promise to that person and to God in front of the whole world that you will commit to that one person for your whole life, regardless what happens to you in that life. Unless you are in an abusive situation, you simply have to make the decision to follow through on your commitments. I believe the covenant is everlasting. It was what I was raised to believe.
Adam: I realize you were raised that way, so was I. But if all you do is sit back and tell him he needs to live by his commitments and do what he agreed to it will seem like a nasty prison he's being forced to return to. There's no way he'll chose that and even if he did it will be solely out of guilt rather than love. You don't want that.
Me: No, I don't want that, but I don't think of it as a nasty prison. What we had was good. If I did think it would be a prison for him, I wouldn't be fighting to bring him back and in his heart he knows it was good too.
Adam: He will see it as a prison. We live in a world where most people don't seem to have ethics or morals. You’ll either end up alone but self-righteous, or you adapt and live with what you can. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who lived her life so rigidly by such all-consuming rules. I looked hard at myself and realized I couldn't be that way either or I'd only attract people I didn't want, so I let go of such rigid thinking; decided to accept a lot more about people and their humanity, rather than being so judgmental and stipulating. It's made me a lot happier and less disappointed with people.
Me: Why would having such high standards leave me alone? It would seem you would attract other people who are like you with high standards and ethics! Just because you have morals and ethics it makes you judgmental. They are separate issues. Yes, I have judged James but it’s because he is my spouse and I hold him to a higher standard because he is my family not because I feel like I am a better person or have better standards than him. I don't care what anybody else does or what anyone else’s standards are unless they are my family or until it directly effects my life or my family's. I made a commitment and through my integrity I plan to uphold that commitment. I expect the people around me to have the same integrity as I do.
Adam: I'm talking about not being rigid. I'm not saying you should be a doormat. If you draw a line in the sand and demand that James cross it or not, else you won't accept him you're creating a problem for yourself not him.
Me: What's the difference between not being a doormat and being rigid?
Adam: There's a balance. Accepting his affair without forgiveness and restitution is a doormat. Saying if he does this or that, or doesn't do this or that or it's over forever, that's too rigid.
Me: My old psychologist said to think about the lesson you want to teach your child. Do you want to teach your son that it is okay to cheat and lie? Forgiveness is one thing, but tolerance and acceptance are another. I can forgive without having to accept or tolerate a behavior.
Adam: You can either condemn what he did, and label him an unredeemable sinner or you can try to work on him at his level which means no guilt trips or judgments. Leave the judging to the Almighty. Try to bring him into the fold by appealing to the goodness of his heart rather than a rigid rule set. Don't give up your values to do it, but don't look like you won't be accepting of some of his faults to achieve what you want. If you've decided you simply can't accept, forgive, or work past a great number of his problems without some major compromise you might as well give up because it will take a lot of giving on your part to make this thing work.
Me: Exactly! It is more than I want to give! I value the covenant of marriage above all else. I can forgive and work through anything else but the destruction of that!
Adam: I'm sorry that it's so important to you. I don't see James living up to that standard. I just don't. I hope you'll accept that if it turns out to be true. He's a weak person, less than you. Pray he finds the help he needs to be a human being. Few people believe in that view you have any more.
Me: I have a different set of standards, I guess. James didn't have a different set of beliefs when we got married.
Adam: Obviously, he did. He thought marriage was important “unless and until” the love of his life became interested in him and/or available to him. That little proviso in his head was kept alive and when it happened he dumped all else in favor of it.
Me: At Least I thought we believed the same things; that was why I married him! Things have changed apparently so it is possible that we will never be together again. I really don't think he thought, “unless and until” going in. He thought he would settle for me because she would never be available.
Adam: How funny then, that I did settle for her and here she was the Holy Grail he wanted. And now, the fantasy doesn't match the reality. There was a girl Kim who wooed me away from my serious relationship years ago and I found out the fantasy did not match the reality when it came to her too. Then Scarlett insisted I be with her exclusively, and since the fantasy wasn't working out and she seemed a solid match and since I'd dumped Kim I went ahead with it. It didn't hurt that I was allowed to live in her mother's house rent free while I went to school. Then her father cosigned on my truck, and her mother stopped living in the house and we treated it as if it were our own. The sex wasn't perfect, and we argued almost as much as I had with my ex-girlfriend. My sister, mother and father didn't like Scarlett much (the latter made the mistake of making his feelings clear and was then ostracized from my life by her intervention for years). I was always haunted by the fact that I had settled for less than I deserved in a relationship.
Me: I never felt I settled, but I always wondered if there was more. Of course now everyone says I can do much better. Now I can step back and really see how he treated me, I tend to agree that I can do better, not that I think what I had was bad, but life sure could be better. It has been amazing to me how many people have told me how much they didn’t like him or how they thought he was wrong for me. Why couldn’t they have stepped up and told me that before we got married? Maybe it would have a least made me stop and think.
Adam: I totally understand and empathize with what you're saying. Scarlett and I could have been made to work, but I'd most likely be a lot less comfortable with myself and now I am ecstatically happy with the direction my life is going. There is more out there than a broken relationship and while it's not the choice I would have taken, it has been thrust upon me and I won't let that stop me from jumping in head-first! But still... We had a very long term relationship and learned to tolerate one another. The sex never really improved, but it was my only true complaint when it came time for her to ultimatum the wedding.
Me: What? She forces you to marry her and the she does this?
Adam: Yep. It was "we had better be engaged by the end of the year, or I'll be moving on with my life.” So I succumbed. I later convinced myself I was very happy with that decision. Looking back it seems clear to me that had she walked I think James would have been her first phone call.
Me: By then we were already married. If he was that important why didn't she try to do something before we got married?
Adam: I made more money. She had a lot invested in me. She had momentum going with me too. Besides she's has a beautiful son now and no one can take that away from her. She figures she can continue to take my money and live the fantasy. She hangs out all day with wives of Modesto doctor's posing as someone with class as if she belongs among them. She thought she had what she wanted with me but as I continued to live my own life and not remain completely wrapped up in hers (which she believes she needs in a mate), she eventually gave up on training me. But we married and had the most wonderful son, but fate has a way of intervening. I don't know what possessed Scarlett to do what she did but in the end the path I was cast upon was the one I was meant to take. My point in all this is simple: we end up where we're meant to be, no matter how blind we are to the truth, how ignorant we are of the facts, or how dedicated we might be to making a broken situation work out. In the end, we end up where fate or God or whatever destiny it is that guides us wants us. Your heart knows what you need and what it can stand. If there's one thing God gave us, more of than any of us really needs, it's time, and as long as you don't go launching nuclear devices at people or run off your mouth to completely destroy all your credibility, then time is always on your side. Patience is your only stumbling block.
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