4/15/01
Adam: According to you, James said "Relationship Rescue" backfired for him; he kept thinking of Scarlett. I wonder what would happen now if he read it? Funny thing happened to me, I read it trying to fix my marriage and it backfired for me too. I learned about the right way to be in a marriage, how to treat people and how to expect to be treated. In the end I came out of it with all the reasons why it won’t work with Scarlett. I also moved on to "Life Strategies,” and that was even more important for showing me how to be, how to live, and how to enjoy myself. Oops. She kicked the dog out the front door, and once he got a step or two out of reach of her boot, he suddenly transformed into a thoroughbred that went running for the hills, full of joy and vigor.
4/16/01
Me: I am curious how all this works. Does the Easter Bunny come to both houses?
Adam: I have no idea what Scarlett did, other than an Easter dinner at noon at her dad's house just before Chris came to me. As for us, we had my friend Tricia over and her two kids. We had hidden eggs, jelly bean nests, and Ghirardelli chocolate squares all over the (my -- mine, mine, mine) backyard and the kids had a blast. I was surprised a two year old would know what he was doing as well as Chris did. I never mentioned the Easter Bunny to him, but I think that's how it will get described; the Easter Bunny goes to every house, not just every kid, same as with Santa Claus.
Me: James is whining "I gave up so much. I want a house."
Adam: Scarlett lives in a house. What is complaining about?
Me: "I miss the dog and the cat and Tom and..." Isn't this what he chose?
Adam: It's very easy when your hurting on the inside to sit and judge and simply say, "Tough life. This is what you chose." We keep making choices all the time and none of them are ever terribly lasting. You're just going to shut him out if you say those kinds of things to him. Instead you might try pointing out to him that we all have our choices and we're never really locked in to any of them. If he wants to he can choose his way right back out of this, easy as pie. It won't be entirely clear to him because of Scarlett's hold on him, but if you could be encouraging to him rather than so bitter, it might help your cause.
Me: What would I want to be encouraging about?
Adam: Everything. Remember about flies, honey and vinegar.
Me: I can't be encouraging about his lack of definitively choosing between us because he keeps hitting my head against a brick wall and I can't take it any more!
Adam: You keep telling yourself all this negativity. Just make yourself excuses right out of the behavior and attitude that will get you what you want. Why don't you go jump in the pool and soak your head while you're at it?
Me: You are right. But why is he complaining to me?
Adam: I dunno, dippy. It might be because he actually cares about what you think. That he's trying to talk to his best friend no matter how badly his feelings are being expressed? Maybe he's just venting. Maybe he's reaching out to you for help and understanding, testing the waters to see if you still have the capacity to be a giver rather than a taker; to see if it might just be possible he could form a future with someone like you?
Me: Are you implying I am a taker?
Adam: "Come back to me" "You owe it to me" "What about your son?" Yep, you sound like a taker. Try: "I can (and want to) give you this," "I'd like for you…” “I want to work together on this," "Let's have Tom's best interests at heart as we do this."
Me: I tried all that and it went nowhere.
Adam: They're not platitudes. They're not tools to keep someone in line. They're an attitude and a belief system. You have to believe in them, not just say them. Maybe you’d better take a look in the mirror at how you are acting and ask yourself if you're being a person he might want to be with going forward? I'm reading a whole load of whining from you. It's all problems and very few solutions. What kind of package are you offering this guy anyway? You've got to give a little in order to get what you want in this life and you have to give more than you take in order to live a good life. Do you know what I'm saying? You really should stop focusing on how bad and evil they are and focus on what makes you happy, what you need and who you need to be in order to live the life you're meant to. I am a bit of a friend and a friend doesn't lie you.
4/17/01
Me: Yeah, even when you are down right rude, I don't mind.
Adam: Sometimes, it seems like you only listen to me when I'm rude.
Me: I even smile and it really bugs me. You are always right and always so positive! I am glad you are that way though, because I need to hear it, no matter how rude you say it!
Adam: There you go. I'm having a blast. I'm loving that I'm alive and she didn't kill me off with her selfishness. I even enjoy that she and I are starting a repertoire that will help us to raise Chris in as healthy a way as possible given the circumstances. You are down, bitter and still wanting that vile schmuck back in your life. It's revolting. We seem to be at opposite ends. I've come through it and you're stuck back at the beginning. Learn patience or learn misery. It's your choice. You think I'm getting too harsh? I told you to go to counseling. Now, several months down the road, we're in the same stupid place. Why aren't you doing everything possible to get back into counseling?
Me: We really aren't in the same place. I can feel the tide turning. I think a positive break through is around the bend. What will a counselor really do for me? Nothing I couldn't do for myself given time and introspection, and someone to nail me to a wall every now and then!
Adam: Funny, coming from a psychology major. You're supposed to buy into their psychobabble more than I do. My counselor is a big part of the reason I'm on solid ground again. I see him every two weeks and sometimes I think weekly would be better. I am glad to get the sense from you that you feel I'm helpful but I'm not qualified for this. You need someone you can dump to in a weekly session for fifty minutes, not someone you email every so often. How am I supposed to help you if you only take the feel-good things I tell you to heart?
Me: I take everything you say to heart, but changing behavior is difficult, especially when you don't stop to think about it. You are good at making me stop and think.
Adam: You need to change your attitude, rather than your behavior, and attitude is much more malleable than behavior. I feel only about ten percent of what I've had to say over the past few months has stuck. And why should it? I'm some guy with a failed marriage. You don't know me from Adam. But I still try and sometimes it feels like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit with sand one teaspoon at a time. My number one good thing to tell you is: get thee hence to counseling. Once you do then I can be helpful again. Other than that I'm barely making a scratch. You want a priest, hit a church. You just want to vent and be allowed to figure out how to live your life right (and this is the only thing you really need, by the way), then go counseling.
Me: Please, do not think of me as a bottomless pit. Try to see your grains of knowledge as a grain of sand an oyster. That little ten percent will someday turn into a pearl. If James had ever worked with me as hard as you have maybe my attitude would have changed years ago.
Adam: Yeah, well, maybe if I'd have worked this hard on Scarlett and me, things would be different too. But there's no going back, only forward.
4/18/01
Me: You are more real than any counselor and you don't sugar coat things.
Adam: A counselor (a good one) doesn't do any more than have you face your own issues on your own. If you really face off against yourself, as you should, then you won't get a sugar-coated version either and there's no miscommunications, misunderstandings, or filters. You can't hide from the truth in your own mind at least not for long.
Me: Honestly you and my stepmother harassing me to be positive and nice has done more to change my ways and the way I see things.
Adam: It's not about changing your ways. It's about introspection that lets you feel good about who you are as-is and how you treat other people once you find your inner peace that can lead to inner joy. That leads to outer peace and outer joy. Then people flock to you because they haven't found that for themselves. With luck, you find someone who's got potential or even has already found his joy and then you build something together. Then the chains of love don't exist any more. You've both got joy on your own; you don't need it from others; you're just giving it. And between you, you really feel for one another and build upon each other's joy, and there's no reason for either person to look or go elsewhere. And then, even if one of you does go elsewhere you've already found your own joy and hopefully you really can allow the other person to go forth and celebrate with him as he realizes his joy either away from you or as he comes back.
4/24/01
Me: Even though I thought our decree was finished, James called because he wants to change it again. He wants language so we can discuss in the future that I help to pay for travel visitation costs. When it comes to that issue I just can't do that. I will not pay for him to see his son when it was his choices that put us here. If he wants to see his son then he can pay for it! Is that really an awful way to think? Part of me knows it is because we should have a more cooperative approach to parenting, but he will always make more money than I will. Why should I have to pay for his choice?
Adam: You may be surprised, but I agree with you. You shouldn’t agree to pay for his travel costs. It sounds Scarlett inspired, to tell you the truth.
Me: Part of the positive tide, is that I am starting to really not care about what choice he makes because I am getting sick of this. Second is because while James is here with Tom, I will be going out for the third time with Steve. Being able to date makes me feel so much better!
Adam: Wow! I thought you were still so hung up on James you weren't dating. That's great news!
4/28/01
Adam: It was a pretty important weekend with James coming to visit. I didn’t hear from you. I'm wondering if things went badly?
Me: There was no confrontation. No discussion of anything about relationships or the divorce. We spent a lot of pleasant time together. It went badly only in that nothing is any further resolved and that bothers me.
Adam: Patience is a virtue. It would be nice if you had him sign so you can be sure it's over, but it's really his issue to deal with and you need to let him work through it without any negative input from you; if there is to be any input, it should be positive, supportive, and non-pushy.
Me: I could feel myself dealing with the concept of letting go much easier. I am in a good place. I wasn't destroyed when he walked out the door like I usually am. I'm not sure if it was because things went so well or because I am letting go. Maybe both. Anti-depressants probably have their place in the equation as well. It could be James was so nice because he feels bad for being a scoundrel and thinks being overly nice will help me get over it and hate him less or he could be having second thoughts. I have no clue.
Adam: It sounds like he still cares for you on some level and if it helps you and enriches your life then that's positive to hear! I used to think of Scarlett as the cold hearted witch who dumped me like yesterday's garbage, but I've now realized that it's quite possible and even probable that she still has her moments of regret as she sees me moving on with my life and being quite successful. She's nice to me because she doesn't want to believe herself capable of the evil she's wrought, and is trying to make up for it. It lessens the damage she's done. She definitely wants to minimize the damage done to Chris. On some small scale she wants to keep the door open too. Not to mention I have some measure of ability to relate to women on their level, to be empathic, understanding, a really good friend, lover and mate to my female partner. Why she gave that up is a question that still eludes me.
Me: You have been amazing to me. You have done a lot to help. You are very open with me. James could never come close to discussions like this. In fact in a recent conversation he asked me questions about the way he communicated and I got the sense he was asking me things that Scarlett had a problem with like, "do you have problems with the long periods of silence? Do you need an answer from me every time?"
Adam: That's funny, because I can see how that would be a problem with Scarlett. She likes reassurance. She likes to be talked to a lot. In a lot of ways she trained me to be more open about myself. Scarlett figures that in order for people to be in a room with her they need to interact with her. If they don't, she's insulted. We used to visit my mother and watch a lot of videos since it was something we all (all being me, my mother, my sister, and my sister's husband) enjoyed. Scarlett hated it. She felt it was a waste of time to sit in the same room and not relate to one another. She was quite insulted by my sister in this regard. She did not understand how my sister might actually come into the room she was in such as the kitchen attached to the living room, get food and not at least start a polite conversation with her. I'd do the same thing, be working from home at my desk, want a soda or something, hit the kitchen really quick, and head back to the room. As far as Scarlett was concerned that was high treason.
4/30/01
Me: While we lived together, James appeared to be concerned about me. I think he legitimately cares, but he isn't the type of person to get wrapped up in your life. He wants his own life, separate, yet supported.
Adam: That doesn't sound entirely unreasonable but in Scarlett's world it does not fly. Especially having your own life separate from hers. She does not go for that. I'm very glad to have my own life again now we're apart.
Me: That will take an awful lot of training to get James to talk. I can't tell you how many silent drives in the car there were. Every night all we did was watch movies or TV with little to no conversation. We liked it that way I thought.
James: She hates just sitting around and watching movies. We used to do that whenever we visited with my mother and she absolutely hated those trips. I like to just sit and relax at night and on the weekends, but she wants to be out there doing things feeling like she has an active lifestyle; though I don't know how much that has changed now she's a stay-at-home mom.
Me: James hates the fact you and I talk. He thinks it is a personal attack on him.
Adam: Really? I figured he wouldn’t care, like he doesn't care about much that happens with anybody but him. I'm sorry if I've upset things for you with him.
Me: I don’t care what he thinks about it because I think you have helped me, especially in being able to be nice to James.
Adam: It really is ironic that he feels it's all about him. It's been more about you and about me and it's resulted in healing and acceptance.
Me: Exactly, if only he really knew who it was who has been his best ally in getting me to behave! But because we talk he thinks he can’t trust me (of all the irony!)
Adam: I don't think he quite understands trust. Obviously he can't trust himself so why should he trust anyone else?
Me: I haven't done anything that I feel would betray his trust.
Adam: Scarlett doesn't trust him. He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him. There's not a lot of trust going around. But they're both untrustworthy so they've got a real pickle to deal with. I do agree with your implication that there's irony here. Who are either of them to point the finger of distrust?
Me: James's birthday is coming up soon. I told him the best present I could give him is time with his son. I offered to fly both of us in for a few days, even though he is coming here in a few weeks. With as little as he sees his son and as much of a witch as I am about not paying for any visitation you would think he would jump on the chance, but no. He has sat on his decision about whether he wants me to come for five days now.
Adam: Well, now that's not an answer of no now is it? I say be patient and let him fully answer if he's going to.
Me: I wrote to him about the cool things Tom is doing: standing in his crib, crawling, two new teeth, and he wrote a short "that's cool" response. His problem with my coming is my presence would cause a problem with Scarlett. He is afraid to deal with what my being around would do. At this point I hope he doesn’t say yes, because I don't want to come anymore.
Adam: You had the right attitude by offering. But if you withdraw now, it won't look genuine that you did have the right attitude. I don't think you should have to wait forever for an answer either. I think it's fair for you to bring it up to him nicely, and say that you want to make plans one way or the other; so would he please indicate his interest or disinterest so you could move on it?
Me: Doesn't this whole not signing the divorce papers for six months show you how that philosophy doesn't work with him? He can't make up his mind about anything and he doesn't care if he keeps you on hold while he ponders it! It just annoys me.
Adam: I'm telling you how to get out of this without looking bad. Tell him you need time to plan and that time is up. Does he want you to come or not? If not, then you cancel and it doesn't look like you made the decision for him. It's perfectly allowable that you have a timeline to follow. He can't drag his feet forever. Whereas if you simply say "you didn't answer me, so I presumed your answer was no,” then you're being a jerk(ette). Maybe you should suggest staying over in the Bay Area so it's not near her? You could stay near where he works.
Me: I suggested Sacramento when I brought it up to begin with. If all was beautiful between them why should I be a threat to either of them?
Adam: Well, even fairly confident folks have their hang-ups. But to not even allow for this because she'll get jealous over his seeing his son; that's bad.
Me: I don't think it is jealousy over seeing his son, I think she is threatened because I'll be around! They don’t want me to know anything about their lives.
Adam: But to keep him from his son that's not right even if she is threatened. Then again we're talking about a certified cheater here spending time with his not-yet-ex-wife and his child. How can she trust him? Of course this is going to be an ongoing problem for them. She will never change on this no matter how deeply into a relationship they get.
Me: And since he doesn't have the nerve to stand up to her, she wins.
Adam: It's been my one saving warm thought through all this. James has had no idea what he's doing. She's a piece of work and a definite challenge to deal with. It's not fun, ever. I had molded a semi-dealable relationship and life around her a series of coping mechanisms that allowed me to deal with her and feel I was happy. But now that I'm at a distance, I can only think "you poor, miserable schmuck. You're going pay for what you did and it will be your own poor misguided choices that did it to you. Oh my how you're going to suffer..."
5/2/01
Me: James and I talked last night, I didn't use the time issue. I said it didn't feel right. It wasn't meant to be forced or complicated and it has turned into a pain. I said all I wanted was for it to be nice and it won’t be so I didn’t feel like coming. He agreed it would be a pain. He's afraid I have another motive so I told him I didn’t need to come. He said he was sorry that he seems to suck the niceness out of things. He said he would think about it some more.
5/4/01
Me: This was the first time in history he has said I'll think about it and his answer changed! I guess he decided taking advantage of the opportunity was more important than all the other issues. That's a first for him! After our conversation, it would be nice if the trip were enjoyable, as much as it can be under the circumstances. His big hang up was I said I would not allow him to take Tom for any time alone like I do when he is here. He asked why and I said it was because I don't want Scarlett anywhere near my son. He replied, “but what if I guarantee she wouldn’t be.” Yeah, like I can trust him! He apologized for handling things poorly. I said it's not poorly; it's just how you are. In a few weeks his whole family (parents and sisters) is scheduled to come here. Since I suggested bringing Tom for his birthday, he had the nerve to ask me to bring him for their planned trip so his entire family didn't have to trek out here. I said if he paid for everything, hotel, car, plane, food, I'd think about it. It would be saving his family hundreds of dollars and he still didn't say he would pay it. He'd have to pay anyway if he came here. I just don't get it.
Adam: Power plays, that's all. Even if it makes more sense it's like you are getting something out of it so he doesn't want to do it.
5/9/01
Me: Wow! What a powerful trip on so many levels, but I guess I really need to wait and see what the fallout of all of this is. Saturday and Sunday were nice hanging out with his folks. There was the typical obnoxious family stress and difficulty, but that's normal. It was fun to just sit on the floor and play with Tom. Tom took his first solo steps Saturday and we were both there to see it. If for no other reason I am glad that I went just so James could have seen that. When we got back to the hotel Sunday, James did a lot of crying about Tom and wanting to be a part of his life.
Adam: Sounds like Scarlett a lot in the beginning except without most of the crying.
Me: Do you mean she wanted to be part of Chris's life or that she wanted you to be part of Chris's life?
Adam: That it was all about Chris. Never mind what she had done; never mind how much I was suffering. It was all about making sure his life didn't get destroyed. I had news for her, it was too late and it was in large part her fault. I try to see it more as "It doesn’t matter what happens to my life, as long as I make sure this doesn't affect my son, it will work out.” Problem is, there was no way it was ever not going to not affect him.
Me: While I was there it hit home how much I love Tom and how great he is and how lucky I am to be with him everyday even though it's is hard work.
Adam: I'm pleased that you're able to do that. After what you've been put through, you at least deserve that.
Me: Monday James, his parents, Tom and I went to Mickee's Grove (a cute little amusement park for small children). We took Tom to the zoo and then we went on some rides and then we sat in the park and had lunch. It felt like we were a family and it was nice, then we got back to his parent’s house and it was like returning to prison. Everyone separated to different rooms. I just wanted to be alone with James and talk, but that wasn't going to happen, so I kind of lost it. I went into a back room and just dealt with my issues for awhile by myself. When I came back it was like a nice family again sitting on the floor playing with Tom. Back at the hotel James tried to leave without talking to me, but I wasn't going to let that happen. After talking I felt like he made the decision to finally sign. I begged him to sign. But then he went on about, "I did suffer. You saw my suffering." It just baffles me. No, I didn't. I never saw anything. From the day he got her letter until the day I found out I never saw a change in James's behavior at all -- ever, but he refuses to believe me.
Adam: That is pretty cold. "I know you saw me suffering as I cheated on you. That makes it okay. I didn't hurt you because you knew it was happening." Lame. Weak. Loser.
Me: Besides the fact that it just isn't true! He expected me to make things better when I couldn't even tell things were wrong!
Adam: It's a cop out for him to have expected you to fix things. Same with Scarlett. "You don't make me happy" she said. That's something a three-year-old would think. We're responsible for our own happiness, not anyone else.
Me: For two mornings I sat about six houses down from her house and watched as he pulled out of the driveway, confirming that he does live there.
Adam: I wish you hadn't tortured yourself with that. I wish you hadn't tortured me with that. But I already knew he had his own remote to the garage opener, so I was pretty well in the know anyway. Does he know you saw him leave the house two mornings in a row?
Me: As you might have guessed, I would leave his neighborhood the same time he did so it was tough beating him back to the hotel. He asked me what I was doing driving around town. I wouldn’t tell him. He could tell I was mighty angry so if he isn’t stupid he figured it out.
He was crying as he left Tuesday night. As horrible as it has it turned out to be it is the best thing that could have happened for Tom. Yes, he is without a father but with the kind of father James would have been if nothing had changed it makes all of this not such a bad loss. All of this forces James to think about fatherhood more and make conscious choices to be a good father and I don't think he would have thought about it so much if nothing changed. So it's all good. I think making that trip was the best thing I have done for myself in months. I think you and I have really come a long way and really done pretty well in moving on and after this weekend it seems to me that although they live together as a man and wife they are both still pretty stuck in their unhappiness.
Adam: There I will agree with you. They're a done deal, but just don't know it. They're not growing; they're regressing. I was somewhat hopeful that James might actually have shown some growth by asking your forgiveness and giving it another try, but I only think that would have been a temporary situation that would have left you with further heartbreak eventually. Better to fully break it off after mistakes like this and move on.
Me: I don't know what I expected you to say, but you didn't have reaction to all this info that I thought you would have.
Adam: What did you think? Anger? Hurt? Indifference?
Me: Actually I think I expected you to congratulate me on doing so well and finding the positives.
Adam: Forgive me, but we've been through this before, and it didn't stick then. Plus, there's the spying on him on Tuesday, which wasn't a good idea. I know he lives there. I know he's a putz. What else can I say? He's beneath you and you need to find better. To be honest your revelation about him leaving on Tuesday morning did bother me, but it's nothing I didn't already know securely in my heart anyway. It's why she gave me the cats; it's why she continues to get my belongings (those she doesn't want) out of the house. I continue to adjust to the fact that he's there, but considering the fact I'm not there and I don't want to be there it really shouldn't bother me much. The fact they returned my condoms, but not the AstroGlide is still a bit bothersome, but I try not to think about it. It's one u-g-l-y mental picture. I get the feeling she thinks "oh, good, he's better now; accepting of things, so now we can get back to the way things were, on my terms"
Me: I don't think they realize that they don't have that control over us anymore.
Adam: You got that one right. Hit the nail on the head. They've got a lot of surprises in store for them in the coming months, and I doubt they're going to like any of them. For grins I played Boyzone's "No Matter What" tonight; it's the love song that Scarlett sent him the soundtrack for; then emailed him the lyrics as well. Listening to that, I can see exactly how nastily they're glued into a pointless fantasy land. You might go look up the lyrics on the web. Worth a grin or two (only if you're feeling very strong hearted, though). It's silly really. It's how thirteen year olds see love not grown adults. Nice and romantic, thinking the world is against you but your mutual love will see you through. Nice if you're in junior high, but not really reasonable to believe in for normal adults.
“No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know our love forever
I know, no matter what
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered (hear my prayers)
Then we would hear God say
No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What we believe is true
And I will keep you safe and strong
And shelter from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born
No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need
No matter if the sun don't shine (sun don't shine)
Or if the skies are blue (skies are blue)
No matter what the end is
My life began with you
I can't deny what I believe (what I believe, yeah)
I can't be what I'm not
(I know, I know) I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what”
Me: Maybe things are on the up and up for me, but I think I got over all their song swapping with each other a long time ago; James's personal CD creations were far more destructive to me. Those songs ripped my heart out. I could see why James is so blind and whipped. I can understand love and wanting to be together. I can even accept it, but the way they handled it makes me sick.
Adam: For awhile I was feeling the same way. I still think, "Okay fine, not me. That I can accept, but going backwards in such a soap-opera, Jerry Springer manner? That's just nuts"
Me: There is a moral right and wrong and they are violating everything I believe to be right, and it doesn't have to be that way. I don't care if they end up together, but living together as man and wife before either of them is divorced just makes me physically ill.
Adam: Unfortunately, most people don't see a problem with this sort of thing anymore. Even I don't feel as strongly about this particular aspect as you do (though I do think I should have been able to get my stuff out of the house before this happened; I'm still without most of my major belongings. She even gave him one of my motorized toothbrushes. Considering Scarlett has never had much compunction about extramarital sex, it should come as little surprise that she doesn't feel terribly immoral about this. In her mind, the marriage covenant doesn’t mean as much as her personal feelings.
Me: They could have been together and still had/have compassion on the people’s lives they destroyed but they didn't. I think that is the part that makes me really angry.
Adam: That would have meant they would have had to make adult decisions, and have been truly sure about what they wanted. From Scarlett's perspective, she has been extremely conflicted about all of this all along, not sure about what she wanted to do. What she did was raise enough ire with me until I had to act; I had to push things forward. It's immature, childish stuff, but it's what she did.
Me: It was exactly the same with James. I've told James what he wanted really isn't so bad, but it's the how it was handled and when it was done that really makes him such a jerk. There could have been a lot of forgiveness and even compassion and support by me, if he had handled it in a compassionate way towards me. But the screw you, I hate you, I can't wait until I am out of here attitude I feel I received during the last trimester of my pregnancy just garnered the same response from me, and it didn't have to be that way. I know he really doesn't hate me, but the way he handled it I felt like he did.
Adam: You're giving him too much of a way out with this. What he wanted was bad.
Me: Not really, he just wants to be happy. I can understand that.
Adam: He wanted to cheat on you. He wanted to betray you.
Me: I don't think he wanted to do that.
Adam: Well, I phrased this wrong. What he wanted was to sleep with Scarlett. Wanting that is wanting something bad. It's wanting something that will cause cheating and betrayal. It's not so bad for him to want to experience other sexual partners (it's scummy, and low, but somewhat natural), but it was bad for him to pursue those things while with you, to lie to you about it, to betray you. He did want things that caused all that hurt, and he did act when he should not have. I have never sensed he was unhappy with you either. He wanted to experience sex with Scarlett, that's all. That's bad. It's inexcusable for him to remain with you and pursue someone else.
Me: Because he is still legally married to me it really bothers me that they live together. Fine be together, but do it morally. He should get the divorce that he wanted to imitate before moving in.
Adam: Their moving in together bothers me too, and should help me legally. Frankly, wanting to just have sex with her was a hollow goal. She's simply not all that and a bag of chips as a sexual partner. She was very hard to please. She set impossible goals for me. Consequently, I got very good at certain aspects of lovemaking, much better than I would have to be to please most women; yet it was never enough for her. She didn't train me to do anything either. It was me, constantly working to please the unpleasable.
Me: But hard to please means you need lots of practice to get it right, so I bet James loves the practice sessions.
Adam: Actually, she's very bad at expressing what she likes or doesn't. It was all me trying to make it better all the time.
Me: When James would try things with me and I wouldn't respond or didn't like it he would counter that other women loved it and responded to it. It made it sound like he has had all this experience, but James has only been with three people in his life (to my knowledge).
Adam: He was working from knowledge in porno's, no doubt. Where else would his info come from? It doesn't sound like this guy talks to other folks about this stuff around the water cooler. My understanding of his previous sex life is only three other people too. I'd point out how sad it is I know that about him. It boggles my mind. I get hit on all the time. I used to think it was because I was happy and not wearing my ring anymore, but then I put the ring back on (for my own reasons), and I got hit on even more. Perhaps I appeared safe to flirt with, I don't know. When you are happier it is just the air you personify. You are looser and more easy going, people will approach you, ring or not it doesn't matter. I could see it completely. Thing is, there's that one aspect of it, and then there's the fact that these women who hit on me have consistently not been the type to have paid me any attention before. Then again before I knew Scarlett, I had the lowest self-esteem you can imagine. It's why I settled for her. I had dumped my only girlfriend up to that point, and the person I dumped her for showed little true interest in me after all, so I grabbed on to whoever seemed interested and look where I am now ten years later. If I'd only had the confidence then that I do now. I would have avoided a whole lot of pain.
Me: You know, I think that would be the exact words James would use to describe his life! Low self-esteem, grabbing whoever is there, settling and then ten years later, blam!
Adam: It sounds like he's settling again. If they are so all powerful together, why is he just stumbling from one default relationship to another without thinking through what he really wants? What's really important to him? Isn't it about time he really grew up? I think it is.
Me: He doesn’t think of being with Scarlett as settling since it's what he has always wanted. However, I tend to think now that he’s learned she wasn't all that she was cracked up to be, so now he might see it as settling again. But he is so lazy I don’t think he would leave her. He told me our biggest obstacle was my being here and having bought a house.
Adam: What a crock! It doesn't allow him to control you anymore, and it puts serious problems on his staying here. But still, if he cares about you, that shouldn't matter.
Me: He said recently that if I had stayed we'd have gotten back together by now. I don’t know if he means it or just said it because he is tucked away safely in California.
Adam: Sounds just like Scarlett and her logic. "If only you hadn't done this one little thing, then it would all be different..."
Me: James has a very kinky sexual side in him, and since Scarlett participated more in those activities than I ever would, he was drawn back to her. Which I find ironic. Seems she has the talk, but that isn't really the way she walks!
Adam: Hard to say anymore. More things are becoming a lot clearer to me now. Why she didn't like oral sex for either of us. I think she was saving the memories of those things she did with James. I was too blind for too long, and I only have myself to blame for. Thank God she let me go. I might still be stuck in that living nightmare otherwise. In the end she suddenly got a lot freer about things like scanning the scrambled porn. She only started to do that with me after she was cheating with James. She started doing the kinkier things too. She started to define her roles differently.
Me: I don't know if you knew this but in high school he would shop at Victoria Secrets for her Christmas presents. Apparently it became a tradition (all of two years...), but I found receipts from Victoria Secrets in his wallet in January, and I can say with confidence that nothing was given to me, so the tradition lives on.
Adam: No, I didn't entirely know. (I did know that he bought her stuff from there, and I'm pretty sure she still has it all), but it was our tradition of sorts for Valentine's Day as well. When she had new stuff at Christmas time I just figured she bought it herself.
Me: James probably loves that he can do kinky, sluty things now and gets responses.
Adam: It amazes me that he'd even tell you that he expected oral sex from her, let alone tell you he was really looking forward to it.
Me: He didn't have to tell me. I knew what they did in high school. He told my how they used to have oral sex almost every day.
Adam: Nice imagery. No wonder you've stayed bitter for so long, harboring images in your head like that. Yuck!
Me: I don't participate in any kind of oral sex and it is his absolute most desired thing, so I just know him well enough to know what he was thinking.
Adam: I used to think that oral sex was something that didn't happen much, but these days it seems to be a fairly common and expected part of the process. Even twelve year olds are doing it on the playground so they can experience sexual release without fear of pregnancy. I think it's become more acceptable for society in general. Near the end of the marriage, Scarlett became a lot more open about this sort of thing. At the time I thought we were finally growing as a couple. I realize now it helped her feel less inhibited about what she was doing with James, and perhaps was even leading up to her requesting we have an open marriage. I'll never know for sure.
Me: Does this imply that toward the end she did it more than usual for you?
Adam: Hoh, yeah! It just says even more about her character; and about how it's a good thing I'm no longer with her. I just hope I can rub off on Chris enough that he doesn't follow her lead as far as how to view sex and marriage.
Me: I am pretty sure oral sex was the first physical contact they had when this started up too.
Adam: Yeah, that fits. Scarlett would and could probably justify all that in her mind as "it wasn't sex, so it was okay,” or at least "not as bad.”
Me: That's part of the reason I think he flipped so quickly over all of this. Of course not to discount the phone sex, cyber sex, and nasty letter she wrote him of course. What is a sex deprived, porno driven, fantasy man supposed to do? Of course he would fall down going gaga. “Tell me how high to jump...”
Adam: He's just driven by his hormones. I like to think I have outgrown that stage.
Me: I believe that physical act took place in January while you were out of town around her birthday. In case you are wondering; it was Dan who informed me. I am also pretty confident it occurred on some of their lunch dates too.
Adam: I'd have to go back and check out the timing on that one, but it's not worth it. Water under the bridge. Probably when I was staying in Redwood Shores overnight, but what does that matter? I could have been at my grandfather's funeral, or working to raise money for orphans or who knows? It wouldn't hurt any more or any less to know what I was doing that precise moment. It wouldn't save anything. It wouldn't change anything. I just try to get on with things and leave them behind, where they belong. Besides, every time she does something creepy, I end up winning. The Karma just seems to flow that way. It's amazing. And I don't understand the lack of conscience and lack of self-respect they must have to participate in this stuff. It boggles my mind.
Me: I don't know if you'll believe me, but I feel the same way. If James wanted to have sex now, I couldn’t do it, even though we are legally married and I have the right. It would make me feel like a slut, which is why I don't understand how they can wake up every morning and not feel like they are doing something disgusting.
Adam: That's unfortunately the way some people see the world. They've made their intentions clear, so they're no longer cheating on either of us. We are just more feeling than they are. They seem to be able to just dismiss their evil acts and intentions with a wave of their hands and simply feel better.
Me: James has yet to make his intentions clear. Just last Friday he told me he was trying to decide if might want to come back. If that is the case then yes, he is cheating on me!
Adam: He's stringing you along is what he's doing. Why he'd be doing that I don't know. He may not be sure, but he's not on the up and up, no matter what he's feeling.
Me: That's why for the last month every time I talk to him I ask him when he is going to sign the stupid papers! I told him he still needs to spend a significant amount of time completely alone to learn about himself because he's not bringing a healthy James into their relationship either, but he just assumes I have a hidden motive!
Adam: No one wants to face the possibility of being alone. Now that he totally messed up your relationship, he's probably afraid he might end up alone forever if he doesn't watch it. A miserable relationship (at least one with sex) is better than none at all.
Me: That’s a very male point of view. I’d rather have no relationship than one built solely on sex. Other interesting news I forgot to mention is that James's parents were invited to dinner at "their" house and they went. I don't exactly when it was however.
Adam: How did you find that out? I sure hope it was a weekend when my son was with me.
Me: I flat out asked his mother if they had done anything with them. And yes, Chris was there because I asked that too. The comment was made to me in October.
Adam: Yikes, a long time ago. That's before we even filed for the divorce.
Me: Sorry... I can understand though. I don't want Scarlett anywhere near my son. It's unfortunate that you can't keep James away from Chris for a while. What happens if Scarlett and James don’t work out? It just isn't smart. If she really had Chris's best interest in mind, James would not be living there. If it doesn't work out, how will James's leaving effect Chris? Or is she just as blindly confidant that they will last forever? Will James be the first of a string of guys she will drag through her house? It just isn't smart, and for your son's sake it's too bad you can't have a little more control over what she does in that respect.
Adam: Unless she does start in on a string of guys the courts won't see it as anything but their business, as long as Chris gets fed and clothed.
Me: On a different note, did she recognize your birthday?
Adam: Not personally, but she gave me a gift from Chris. I felt it was a pretty major copout. Plus, it was a picture frame. She keeps doing that. I've always felt photos should be shared; but it's a cheap excuse to use them for personal gifts. Her family thinks differently. I bought her a $100 cashmere sweater for Christmas, in a "no hard feelings" move, and while she said "Thank You,” and said she liked it. I didn't feel she was really ever going to wear it, and when she responded in kind with a photo in frame, I realized she just doesn't get it. I was going to skip Mother's Day entirely, but was reprimanded by friends who thought it too cold. I'm betting that Father's Day means another photo for me.
Me: James has done nothing for our anniversary, Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, or Mother’s day.
Adam: That doesn't sound atypical for him, as he's never did anything on holidays even when you were together. You should let him know how you feel though. "The mother of your child, yes your child, is upset that you have chosen to not even recognize that fact with a phone call or something. Child support and monthly visits do not make you father. I am very disappointed in you. First as a husband, and now as a father."
Me: Why should I bother telling James how I feel, it obviously doesn't matter to him, so why should I waste my time? If he changes it would be more about guilt and I am through with that.
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