Me: I guess I wrote too soon. Guess what I got in the mail today? Wait for it… A picture frame from Tom with no picture in it! The thought is nice, but I am fuming. Can't he think for himself! I think I am going to send it back...to her! Ugh!
Adam: Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. The gift legacy lives on apparently.
Me: How close do you think you are to the legal end? Many months or just a couple?
Adam: Probably many. As Scarlett's father let me know early on she's going to use every means at her disposal to stretch this thing out as long as she can, because that gets her what she wants no matter what the final decision is.
Me: Dragging it on and dragging you through that is really messed up. I wonder how James can tolerate that? I would think he would want her to be done so they could move forward. He said he's getting sick of all this.
Adam: Surely he's known about this. It was her plan from day one.
Me: I know, but that is why I wonder how he is handling it now? He usually wasn't the game playing type. He hates that kind of stuff.
Adam: This guy's dumb as a stump then. Scarlett is the origonal game playing gal. Game playing is a nasty hot-button topic for her: accuse her of game-playing and you better duck, but that's just because it describes her behavior so well. She's big time into subterfuge and judgment, about guessing how people will act then watching their behavior to see how it pans out (always followed by the all-important de-briefing at the end, to compare notes on the process).
Me: I also think “her” plan might be why James is stalling with me. I wonder if they have some master plan to keep us hanging on the line while they try figure out if they really want each other?
Adam: Scarlett is driven by a combination of laziness, craftiness, and downright not-knowing what else to do to get what she thinks she wants. Scarlett has gone past the point of no return with me. I am much happier as things stand right now. My life is flowing in ways I never thought possible and my reconnection with my family and friends is something I don't intend to ever give up again. To be sure, I worry for my son's well-being on a daily basis, but the best I can do is be supportive and be the best father I can when he's with me, and trust in God to see his path through so he turns out a child of divorce who's as well-adjusted as possible. Best of all I don't intend to allow distance to come between us as it did between my father and me.
Me: I talked to James yesterday and laid it on even thicker that he needs to do something. I said it had been a week since our last conversation and nothing had changed. I told him it's been a year since this started and I am sick of the lying and hiding, so he better sign the papers. I think it kind of took him off guard, so I said it again. I don’t he was prepared for me to push so forcefully for him to sign. He knows my belief that when he signs he will never be allowed back and I think knowing that, he is surprised. This playing both sides stuff is wrong and I'm done! I hope I finally inspired some kind of action, but if I didn't I don't plan to let up on the pressure!
Adam: It will be quite funny if James ends up being more attracted to you as you push him around, which is no doubt what Scarlett does to him.
Me: Supposedly he doesn't like me because I am not nice. According to him she is nicer, so I doubt it.
Adam: She is not nice. She is always out for herself. It is her only concern. Not a nice person, believe me. If he thinks she is, he's blind or sick in the head. I can't believe how many strangers (such as your real estate agent) who through the years would actually comment on what a witch she is/was. People I'd never met before. They find out she was my girlfriend or wife, and then, unabashedly, let me know how horrible they thought she was, without me asking. I'm talking total strangers, people who knew her in high school, who would just say "Oh, her? She is the biggest witch I ever knew!" It was wild.
Me: Wow! I know James often felt embarrassed because he felt that people perceived me as being mean, but he never said anyone had done that. I don't think I am mean person. I thought James was just overly worried about what other people thought.
5/22/01
Me: I have been thinking that James learned the concept of settling for a woman from his father; it's inherent. His father gave up his life to marry his wife when she got pregnant and now he never speaks and is constantly being verbally abused and told what to do by his wife. He isn’t allowed to have a mind of his own. He couldn't make a decision if he had to, so genetics are working against him.
Adam: Perfect model for the kind of man Scarlett wants. Scarlett wants her man to make all the decisions, and then wants him to change his mind when she points out a better way.
Me: It would take so much work to make us work and James knows it. He just isn't willing to do it. Although I may be vain, I think he is starting to see how good he had it. Sex isn't everything! It's a lot, but it's not everything. Sex can't pull you through tough times? I can work on sex, but how hard would it be to change your personality?
Adam: Pretty impossible, really. We're all pretty cast in our roles, I'm afraid. Hopefully, James has had enough time dealing with Scarlett to get a much better picture of how she is as a person.
Me: I don't think he has. It’s still the honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior. If things are rough now, imagine what it will be like down the road when the real people come out.
Adam: Plus there's him. His iPorn. His drumming on everything in sight. He won't be able to keep on his best behavior about all that forever and it will drive her nuts believe me.
Me: At this point I can walk away without feeling bad. A good part of me hopes he doesn't ask me to work things out. I'd be better off! So, at this point it's not a loss! Yeah for me! It took a long time in coming!
5/21/01
Me: Remember that guy I went out with when James was here? We are still kind of seeing each other, going very slowly, but boy is it weird! It was strange realizing that I was at a movie with another man. I was conscious of who paid the bill, how close our elbows were, how he smelled, every word I said, etc. It's too weird and I can't say I am really comfortable with it yet.
Adam: It'll take a long time. It's especially difficult because you don't get to totally flush the other person out of your life because of the familial connections and such.
5/26/01
Me: Steve is so awe-inspiring with Tom, better than James could even dream of being! It's a little scary actually.
Adam: Why is that? There are decent men in the world you know. Few from Modesto, I admit, but I wasn't born here, after all, but decent men do exist.
Me: It's not really scary he is good with Tom. It's just scary things are so good. I'm not used to that after all. I’m not used to someone who cares about you, does stuff for you and treats your kid great! It's just weird. It also seems scary because I like it so soon, especially because James still hasn't signed.
Adam: Yes, the entire situation is very hard to adjust to. You're not sure what to feel good or guilty about and you're not sure it will last. Just take it slow, and it will work itself out as it's meant to.
Me: I'm starting to not feel so bad for Tom because I believe I can find (found?) someone who can be everything Tom needs him to be. It's strangely coincidental because Steve’s wife got pregnant at the exact same time I did, only she had a miscarriage. So Tom is the exact same age their child would have been. Steve was really looking forward to being a dad. I think that is part of the reason he is so great with Tom. Maybe there are really strange ways the world works?
Adam: Back up. I didn't know this guy was divorcing. What's up with that?
Me: Same exact thing. His wife cheated on him and had been for years, only they have both signed and filed and are a few weeks from being completely done. I have known them both since my junior year of high school. If nothing else we are just really good for each other right now as a support system. I know this relationship isn't really being set up under good circumstances, but right now it's good!
Adam: Take what's good for you now and don't let it worry you too much. These things work out as they're supposed to in the end. Just don't be too rigid; take it as it comes, make sure you're allowing yourself to be happy and it's all good even if James still hasn't signed.
Me: Right now I want to force the divorce through the courts, but I think I am trying to be open and take it as it comes so that it is all good!
Adam: Do you just need the closure, or is there something else you feel would be served by him signing?
Me: Yes, closure. I need to move on from this point. I've been stuck in this place for over a year!
In my heart and mind I can’t really move forward with another man until the divorce is final.
Adam: I've been stuck longer than that. I just decided not to rate the goings on of my life on her or signing some paper. It's how I feel and how others feel about me that's important.
Me: Yeah, but does she give you the song and dance that she is still trying to decide? I was under the impression she was stalling for other reasons not because she was still trying to decide between you and James.
Adam: Oh, heck no. She was done long ago. She paid a lot of lip service to trying to work on it, but that was just a whole lot of stalling, trying to figure out how to get the most out of the situation, worrying her son might get taken away from her, worrying about what people were going to think and how they were going to see her. I think she still has a lot of those worries, and I notice that she still has second thoughts, but she hasn't really voiced those to me. They mostly come through the non-verbal jealousy she shows towards me, my having a good time and the time that Chris spends with my ex-girlfriend and her two girls (their names get mentioned in front of Scarlett all the time; which actually balances the fact that he calls me "James" all the time too).
Me: There is no guilt. Steve and I have had no physical contact. We haven't even hugged. Even if he had, I am not sure I could feel guilt after the horrid way James has treated me.
Adam: I think you'd be surprised. It's not fair, but we do end up feeling guilt, even though we are the "dumpees.”
Me: I hope not! The only thing I feel guilty about now is that things are going so well with Steve that if James did chose me at this point that Steve would get hurt again, so I am trying very hard to tread water.
Adam: That's the kind of guilt I'm talking about; weird guilt that sometimes comes out of nowhere.
Me: As I tread water I fear it will not last. I'm not so sure it really matters if it does. This has done a lot to show me that there is something better and I can have it, so if it doesn't work out with Steve, eventually it will with someone and I need not be so afraid of the eventuality of the future.
Adam: I'm so glad to see you write that. That's exactly how I felt about the first woman I dated after Scarlett. It wasn't so much that I figured she was the one (though she was mighty cute and was someone I never thought would go for me, and she made the first move), it was really that she was the promise of possibilities. I think you've got it nailed. It's not that this one guy is into you; it's just proof guys will be interested in you, and Tom will not be the hindrance to you that you thought he might be.
Me: I'm not so sure I buy that Tom won’t be a hindrance. I just think Steve is very much the exception to the rule.
Adam: Oh, really? What makes this guy so special? You shouldn't dismiss how great this is, but it does just show all the promise that's out there. There are billions of people on this planet. The odds say there are lots and lots of guys who will be just like him.
Me: Yes, but they are a lot harder to find.
Adam: You think that, but it's not really that true. It's like you told me: once you come off as happy and comfortable with yourself, others end up seeking you out.
Me: But there will be fewer men to choose from because they are afraid of kids. A guy who can accept a kid is like one in twenty. To me that isn't good odds. When without a kid I had at least a fifty percent chance of a date.
Adam: Hey, you're getting much better. Before you seemed to think it was zero percent. I like how he's someone from your past that you knew, who also got cheated on.
6/7/01
Me: I know that I can trust Steve, which I am sure you know is very hard to do now. I know that if I were to have met someone off the street, there would be no trust and a lot more fear. Because we know each other and each others partner we are really able to talk about what is going on and our real feelings about what is going on without having to hide things (because of that strange guilt.)
Adam: That is very helpful; it's good to have a friend that really knows where you've been and how you feel. It's even better that he's on the same side of the coin with you, but is of the opposite gender, so it doesn't turn into a major "men suck" kind of therapy for you.
Me: However, because he is a friend, I am worried about the potential for either of us to be the others rebound relationship. I don't want that for either of us because, regardless I still want his friendship. The good thing about him being cheated on is that we really come from the same place about how we feel about what they have done. We have had some very interesting conversations about Dr. Phil and the book, "The Five Love Languages."
Adam: Scarlett had that book too. Good book. My ex- was shocked that I would even know the title of the book, let alone know the five languages and even be able to rank them for myself.
Me: Reading those books is something Steve searched out and did for himself long before I showed up, but to me it speaks volumes about the type of person he is and because of all this he was really forced to tune into emotions and deal with them. Most guys really don't do that. It allows both of us to value what we get and understand the fragility of a relationship and how to maybe better maintain it.
Adam: Wow. Scary how much this parallels so much of my experience.
Me: Hey, advice.... How do I handle James now? I know he will make his weekly phone calls and I don't want to deal with him anymore. Should I still play nice and not say anything and let him call? Should I not answer the phone? Should I tell him I don't want to talk? Should I tell him I am done because I think I have met someone else or do I not mention that at all, ever? What do you think?
Adam: Be honest. That's the most important thing. Tell him how you feel, what you want, what you don't want. Be firm. If he starts to talk about things you're uncomfortable with, tell him (nicely) that you don't want to talk about it and to please stop. If he persists, end the phone conversation, firmly but politely. "James, I already warned you that that is a topic I don't want to talk about.
6/14/01
Adam: I'm assuming you haven't needed to hear from me, that things are well for you, and you're reaching contentment. These are all very good things!
Me: Yeah, well, what do you know! I am very happy. In fact I’m still a little scared that it is so good... I'm already afraid of losing him, but it is amazing how much what we have had to go through has taught us about how to make things good. It's wonderful. I am trying to enjoy one day at a time and not worrying about too much beyond that.
Adam: It sounds like you are in very similar circumstances to mine; both where I am, and where I have been for a while. I'm so happy to hear that! It is very scary and you end up questioning things that should seem natural, but I think that is good. It's scary, hoping against hope that it won't be a rebound relationship, taking it slow and careful are the only way I think there is to approach it.
6/16/01
Adam: Here are some questions that are none of my business, but I'm curious all the same. What did you decide to do about James and Father's Day? Scarlett got me a couple packages and a card (all "from Chris"), but I haven't opened them yet.
Me: I sent a card, and a lame grocery store photo frame. Shipping and all it cost me less than ten bucks. The card was the best part and I am sure it will piss him off. I think it was funny. It said:
Bat 1: my dad sucks
Bat 2: no way, my dad sucks more than your dad.
Happy Father’s Day to a dad who is easy to brag about.
I thought it was hilarious!
Adam: That is pretty good. I can't believe they make a card like that. How perfect. What did you finally tell James about his calling to talk to you?
Me: I never mentioned Steve. I just said that is was pointless to talk on the phone. There is always so much silence and he didn't really need to know about me anyway. It’s not like Tom can talk, so we could just email about Tom.
Adam: Do songs still bother you? For me, most any love song (especially those about overcoming odds, working it out, knowing we're right for one another no matter what, etc.) used to really set me off. Now they just make me smile.
Me: I have been very conscious of my reactions to music recently and they have no negative effect whatsoever. I can listen to his songs now with no connection. My mind is connecting to the new person and I like it much better!
Adam: That sounds a lot like what happened to me! That sounds really great for you. Every once in awhile I'll get struck by something that hurts, but if I apply it to my next love, it's pretty easy to deal with. Now that your attitude about James has started to change, has your attitude about how much of a relationship you're going to allow him to have with Tom changed? Before you were saying you wouldn't even let him come to see Tom. I guess that has changed, huh?
6/18/01
Me: Yeah, I guess. It was weird yesterday because I realized that I have no connection or feeling toward James and that I don't care what he does. He is just someone who will visit my son every now and then and be on the periphery of my life. To me whomever I marry next will be Tom’s father. Steve is wonderful with Tom and as far as I am concerned is his father right now and I am very happy about it. I can finally see this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Tom and in fact he might be better off because what Steve and I could offer him would be so much more. Is that sad?
Adam: No, it's not sad. It's what I've been hoping you'd see for a very long time.
Me: So what did Scarlett get you for Father’s Day?
Adam: A frame with a photo in it.
Me: Wow! Did you predict that or what?
Adam: Are you kidding? The reason I told you to get that for James is that's all she has gotten me for gifts ever since Chris was born! Birthdays, Father's Days, Christmas: another frame.
Me: I am pretty sure my Father's Day choices have hurt James's feelings. I only sent something this time because technically we are still married and it was his first one, not because I really wanted to. I gave Steve a Father's Day present and it was much more thoughtful. I was very careful not go over the top because of the situation. If things were really serious I would have done much better with the gift, but I didn't want there to be too much pressure or expectation. It was emotional enough that Steve hadn't even opened the box; just the card and he began to cry. All I said was thanks for loving my son. He said, "I feel like I should be thanking you!" I about died. That's more feeling than James could ever have!
Adam: I know. It's funny how a guy gets his heart ripped out, then he ends up showing much more emotion to the next lucky gal that comes along to help him pick up the pieces. One more question, perhaps the toughest of all: Has your new set of experiences, especially now knowing someone else who had a woman cheat on him and who's undoubtedly shared some pretty intense stuff with you over it; has that changed your attitude or views of Scarlett at all one way or another?
Me: I'm not sure I know what you mean. If I feel more sympathy or anger towards her, no. If anything it's just the first time I have really seen it from your side. I have stopped being so self absorbed. It has changed the way I feel about all people who are on our end. The thing I see with Steve is that is just doesn't make sense. He is so wonderful and I just don't understand how she could not see it and how she could do what she did. When Steve talks to me about it, my heart breaks. It makes me so sad. I think I feel worse for him sometimes then I do about myself. It just makes me think how stupid his wife was. I don't think these people think about how much they have literally crushed their partners. I don't know. I just don't get it. I don't understand.
Adam: I think I got my answer. I think it has changed your perspective a bit. I don't know how Scarlett could have done it either. She traded down for heaven sakes.
Me: Yeah, that's what I see too…
Adam: I was hoping you'd not take offense. All the things she had in me, he doesn't have, and all the things I lacked, he doesn't have them either. For better or worse, she had me trained into treating her the way she wanted, and now she's gone back and started over?! What's with that? I hate to toot my own horn, but from the sounds of things, I'm ten times the father James is, and for that matter, (from what I'm being told all the time), I'm probably three times the father most men are. It sounds like Steve may be in my camp too. Congratulations on that.
Me: Yes, he's amazing. Every night we just sit on the couch after Tom goes to bed and he holds me. I've never had that before.
Adam: Been there, done that.
Me: It's a little scary that it is so good.
Adam: Whoa-hoe-hoe! Been there, still there, still waiting for the bottom to drop out!
Me: I said last night, "can life really be this good all the time?" He said, “Yes.” I just can't imagine.
Adam: Things always mellow and have their ups and downs, but as long as two healthy people care about one another and pay attention to what's going on, it can go on as long as you put in the effort.
Me: Every time I am with him I just think everything is so cool. And then there is Tom... I never thought I would be able to look at him with another father and feel that special family feeling, but with Steve I do. I see him with Tom and I melt, I can see the love he has for Tom. He's so wonderful. I just want to hold him. It was never that way with James. I don't know. It's just too cool!
6/26/01
Adam: I don't suppose you have any solid evidence that James and Scarlett were sleeping together prior to October, 2000, do you? And I mean defensible-in-court solid?
Me: Nope, sorry...
Adam: She told our lawyers in session last week that, during the period from July to October, 2000, she was portraying to the world that we were married to one another. I thought having James live there and sleeping with him in the house was probably not something that counts as "portraying herself as married" unless one is terribly liberal in one's interpretation, and to me, having slept with him prior to May is pretty strongly against that portrayal as well.
Me: Although he used other subjects as a cover, I believe his call was about the papers. He said he will send them in today, if he isn't lying, IT"S FINALLY OVER!!!
Adam: By the way, the other thing I found out was that she's not looking for a job, and doesn't plan to. So, yes, she does expect me to support her while she stays home indefinitely.
Me: Doesn't surprise me one bit! There's no way you can force her to support herself? Would you want to?
Adam: We're working on it, but it's going to take a very long time. She's going to be able to stay home until Chris is three, which is what she had wanted.
6/27/01
Me: So I guess based on what you said that she is trying to get money from you and you have no legal way to prevent her from doing it?
Adam: No. During a meeting with our lawyers, when my lawyer said, "well it does not look like they presented to the world that they were married" (during the time between when we separated and a week before she filed). She said, "No, I did do that. We were in counseling; we were working out of books; there was still a chance. Then he called me on that day and said what he said. Only then did I know it wasn't fixable.”
Me: I wanted to say, "Sleeping with James is 'presenting to the world that you're married'? But I had no proof. If she were to make these claims in court, I'd like to have irrefutable evidence to the contrary. That's all. Any news on your papers? Is it done?
Adam: Actually I haven't heard a thing, so I am starting to wonder...
Me: When I picked up Chris recently, entirely without my prompting him, as we pulled away from the house, he said, "Mommy back in the house; Mommy and James in the house." I said, "James is in the house?" And he said, "James is in office."
Adam: You can bet that his car wasn't out front. Hence it was in the garage. I left it at that, of course. But I think it's pretty funny, how she's working so hard to hide the truth and it's simply a universal condition that the truth will find a way out no matter what, and the harder she tries to conceal it, the easier it is to get out. Now our ambassador between the two homes is becoming so vocal, she's completely screwed in the "under wraps" department. It's not like I want this to happen. He's going to want to share his life with me, everything that happens; and he's going to want to do the same with them. But Scarlett doesn't want James's name mentioned. She doesn't want the details of her life told. She can't forbid her child to talk; she'll just screw him up.
Me: If she were happy about her choices and above reproach in her actions, she wouldn't care what people knew. She would be so happy she would want people to know.
Adam: I agree, which is why I know she's hurting, embarrassed, and trying to hide things. Not the most comfortable way for a person to live. This is a big part of why I used to whine to her that she's making such an illogical mistake. If she's going to have me as such a major part of her life for the next sixteen plus years, and if she's going to be living with and loving a little boy that's me all over the place, then how can she be saying that she can't stand to be around me, doesn't find any joy in my presence, doesn't want to be reminded of what we had? She'll have to abandon her son and practically move to another planet to do that. With all that, it didn't seem logical to me that she'd pick James over me. It's getting all the bad from me she hates, plus making it much more difficult to deal with everyone, from her family and friends to her own son, right down to her own conscience. Idiotic. That's Scarlett in a nutshell. Me, on the other hand: I get to love a little boy who's such a big part of who I am, get to see him one-on-one and unfettered, plus I get my own life, my own home, my own belongings. I get to decide all the things I buy, how I decorate, what toys I like, which movies and games I want to get, everything. Whom I spend my time with and how I spend that time, and I get to form whatever kinds of relationships I want. No annoying family gatherings of hers, none of her controlling, pressuring and judging me (none that I have to listen to or heed, anyway). I stay up late at night and sleep in when I want to. It's so much better. I should throw myself a party!
Me: Can I use you as my psychologist on another issue? I'm a little skiddish to tell you, but I think you know more about my emotions in the last year than anyone, so I think you'd be the best judge. Steve has said that he knows he wants to marry me; it's just a matter of timing.
Adam: That was a nice thing for him to say. It was perhaps a little quick, but it was nice to hear, I'll bet.
Me: Yep. I would like it very much if we did. Every night it gets harder and harder for him to go home (for both of us), and some nights he doesn't.
Adam: Gasp!
Me: I feel weird that I can think about it so soon, and I am not that afraid of it. In fact I think I could get remarried before James. It seems so natural. Am I psycho?
Adam: No, you're not psycho.
Me: I am so glad to hear that!
Adam: What you are, however, is vulnerable, and in a rebound situation. You need to exercise great caution here. My advice is that you take Steve's admission as a very flattering compliment. Only you can know what's in your heart, and what you're really truly, deep-down comfortable with. What you need to do now is to look deep inside, as often as you can, and ask yourself what you're truly feeling. Go with your feelings, but slowly. Keep asking yourself whether it's the excitement of being wanted again, or if it's truly this guy that you're enjoying so much and not just the fact it's any guy.
Me: He and I have this conversation a lot about a rebounding relationship and making sure it's not just an “a" person, kind of thing. He wants to date other people to be sure it isn't a rebound relationship, but he says he's confident what he'll come back to.
Adam: Sounds like a really good idea. If/when he does, then you'll be able to gauge your own reaction to that happening. If it seems like something that really bothers you, down deep, and it's not just that you're potentially getting away from any chance, but rather you're missing him specifically, then those feelings will help you to know how you really and truly feel.
Me: I already hate the idea, but it has to be done.
Adam: You might have fun dealing with other people, too, and it will help you reaffirm your feelings for him as well.
Me: Yeah, my parents are encouraging me to date others, the problem is around here older single men are hard to find. We found each other because we are old friends. Someone brand new is difficult.
Adam: Once you're out there, you'll find that it's not as difficult as you think. I thought the same thing about creepy, conservative Modesto, but I don't even have to go looking. I'm being flirted with right and left, even hit on, and plenty of times it's when I'm with my son or out on a date with another woman. You don't think it'll happen to you because you are in Utah, or because you have a son, but people are people and they act the same no matter where they are, and it will happen to you too. Make certain any actions you take have absolutely nothing to do with James, your feelings about James, or any actions James takes.
Me: Steve and I began by just hanging out to get each other out of the house, just kind of pals. It helped us both to talk about what was happening in our lives. I never expected what happened to happen. It just did and now we're inseparable.
Adam: It sounds wonderful. This is your time and your life. You need to make decisions that are for you, no matter how selfish.
Me: Every night he stays, it feel so good and I feel selfish.
Adam: That's good. If you're concerned about these things, then things sound to be heading in a right-minded direction. Take your time. There is no rush. There is nothing to be gained from wedding him as soon as you can, from a financial, emotional, or ethical standpoint. Morality is another question. If you're involving yourself in situations with this man that make you feel guilty or expose you to risks (pregnancy or disease) or go against your morals, then my advice is to back off and let it cool for a bit. Don't shut the guy down entirely, but give yourself room to think. What you're going through is very close to what I'm going through and I have many of the same issues. I'm trying to keep as close an eye on things as I can as I work through this transition time, and learn to enjoy my life both as a bachelor and as a part of other committed relationships down the road.
Me: Just because he has spent the night don't assume we have had sex!
Adam: People are going to assume what they will. You can't help that. Only you're going to know in your heart what's right, just and true. Just stay true to your feelings and convictions and you'll be fine. Remember to be able to look that face in the mirror each morning and know that you have no shame and you are walking the path that you know to be true for yourself.
Me: Steve was married in the temple and has every intention of being married in the temple again. The fact he plans to marry in the temple means no premarital sex. Mormons are a different breed than most people today. The issue of a temple marriage would slow the idea of our marriage down. Because I have been away from the church for such a long time, I am not worthy to attend the temple yet. I would have to prove a minimum of six months devotion before I would be allowed to go.
Adam: Mormonism seems like a really strict and difficult way to live to me.
Me: Maybe you can understand the rigid ness of my beliefs a little more now. The belief system Steve has is more in keeping with mine. With James I fell away from the light.
Adam: Most of what I felt during the dark times in the past several months about Scarlett and morality were strongly borne out of my misery and heightened sensitivity. I could forgive and perhaps even understand what Scarlett has done at this point. I don't feel as darkly now about the religious aspects as I did before.
Me: I don't think I registered you feeling darkly about religion. Can you refresh my memory?
Adam: I was really down on her as a sinner and as a dark, horrible person for sleeping with him, for cheating in her heart. But I'm not really that rigid. That's not really me. I know if she really did care about me, then their physical acts would be very regrettable, but not unforgivable.
Me: I still think they are both terrible sinners but now I am now in a much different place where forgiveness and understanding are now possible.
Adam: Yes, but to what end? The relationships can't be salvaged, and they don’t want and don't ask for forgiveness. For you, I am pleased that you have found someone who treats you with respect and has beliefs so much closer to your own. That's what you deserve.
6/28/01
Me: I don't know if you'll really want to know this, but I asked James if they had discussed marriage and if it felt weird to discuss it already since neither of them are technically divorced and when they thought they would get married.
Adam: I'd say this would be the acid test: I read your e-mail at about 1 am, just before going to bed, from my friend's house and had almost no feeling whatsoever. That broke about three rules for me right there. I read one of your messages in that scenario once, and it made it impossible to go to sleep that night. I was so upset, and I swore I'd never read mail from you or about Scarlett before going to bed again. And here I was staying over at my friend's, in the same room with the same computer, reading the same way I had before.
Me: Sorry...
Adam: The email I read before was the big confirmation about them sleeping together. Frankly, James is a fool if he marries her, whether he pays any attention to what I think or not. She has a boatload of issues to deal with and he's a big part of the things that upset her, and so he's setting himself up for one big time fall.
Me: What part of him upsets her?
Adam: She blames him for what she's done to me, what's going to happen to her son, not knowing how she is going to support herself and/or bring up her son in a lifestyle that she had not planned; how she has to face and deal with her friends and family now that she's re-coupled with a man she's already broken up with twice before. All things he's very involved in and responsible for. Down the road when things get difficult, she could really blame him for everything (if she doesn't now) and that could really unpleasant for both of them. I know she has equal responsibility, but sometimes you miss your own role in it all. It's going be his fault and all his fault (with perhaps a good helping of my fault spooned in to the mix), and he's going to get slammed. Hard. Poor shmuck.
Me: James didn't really set himself up to go into that relationship in a healthy way and it will catch up to him eventually. Anyway, he said they had discussed getting married, but it wouldn't be for awhile and it was weird to discuss and that's why they hadn’t broached the subject.
Adam: Everything is weird to discuss with her! Everything! If there's even the slightest edge to what's being discussed, she's not interested. She never broaches uncomfortable subjects, she just lets them slide. That should be big-time warning bells right there. It will be very surprising to see whether her reaction to our divorce proceedings will be to get him to marry her as soon as possible. She's going to realize that, by living with me for seven years, and then being only married for four, she loses out on a lot of belongings and makes it very difficult for her to get a hold of anything in the event of a breakup. It protects her, financially and emotionally, if she marries him as soon as she can. James sure does answer some pretty deep questions, considering he knows that you talk to me. Is he mentally challenged, or what?
Me: Or what! I think it's his stab to keep a connection with me, since that's the first I've talked to him in almost two months.
Adam: That's pretty desperate, to be sharing that kind of stuff.
Me: I was very surprised he answered, so I agree.
Adam: I received one of her medical bills the other day. For ten to fifteen minutes, I convinced myself she must be pregnant, from the looks of all the blood tests. But the doctor she went to turned out to be Urgent Care, so she probably just had the sniffles or something.
Me: Just a day or two ago I shared with Steve some of the emails you've sent me that showed your philosophies, he thought they were very similar to his outlook.
Adam: That's pretty interesting. Are we about to do a hand-off, here where you get more from Steve now than me?
Me: Looks that way...
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